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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To text mil and tell her I'm angry

68 replies

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 15:19

Mil hasn't seen the kids for 6 months because I wouldn't let her have our 2 week old baby overnight. Mil's choice not to see the kids. She's been asked soooo many times.

My dd aged 8 (her step granddaughter)has just burst into tears asking why mil won't come to see her and has she done anything to upset her

I'm SO bloody angry that my child has to feel bad because of this woman's stubbornness and feel like texting her to tell her how shit she's made my child feel.

I know it's prob not thd best idea I've had but I'm so angry. I wish I'd never let this stupid woman into my kids lives :(

She was so ok til dd 3 (9 months and first blood grandchild)) was born then she was like the she devil :(

Thanks x

OP posts:

runningonwillpower · 31/07/2013 15:20

Never text or email in anger.

AnnabelleLee · 31/07/2013 15:21

don't. What will it help? It won't change anything and it won't make you feel any better. She has made her choice, your job now is to minimise the effect on your children.

Groovee · 31/07/2013 15:21

I can see why you want to do it. But don't. Call her and ask if she is coming to visit!

Shrugged · 31/07/2013 15:21

This kind of fraught situation really shouldn't be handled by text. Phone her if you want to make contact, or even email, if you want to put your cards on the table and give her a chance to digest what you say.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 31/07/2013 15:22

You would be unreasonable to text her but she sounds like a complete bitch from your OP so actually long term she will not be a loss.

WorraLiberty · 31/07/2013 15:22

I do wish people would cut out all this texting and emailing and just talk instead.

Phone her when you've calmed down and tell her she's welcome to come. Explain how much your DD misses her and would love to see her.

Or let your DD phone and have a chat.

OrangeLily · 31/07/2013 15:23

Two week old overnight?! Has she lost the plot??!! I don't think YABU!

Whothefuckfarted · 31/07/2013 15:23

Don't text. Just make it totally clear to your little one that she has done nothing wrong at all.

Oh and YANBU to refuse to let her have your 2 week old overnight away from you.

Original poster

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 15:25

Yes DD now 9 months was just 2 weeks old when she kicked off. She had a go at my dp for taking her out in the pram before her as well. I was speechless.

I know you're all right. Texting is not the best plan but ooohhhhhh I feel so angry x

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 31/07/2013 15:31

don't text a this will just make it worse. I think all you can do is keep the lines of communication open. How about writing her a letter telling her how much her grandchildren want to see her

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/07/2013 15:32

Phone her and have an actual adult conversation........you can't text that sort of thing!

Original poster

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 15:36

She'll ignore the call if I ring x

OP posts:

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 31/07/2013 15:36

Do nothing. And get your dh to phone and invite her round, saying that the dds would all love to see her. That way, it's not about your anger but is about allowing her the opportunity to do the right thing.

Treagues · 31/07/2013 15:40

It really is something your dh needs to deal with.

Having said that, your dd is her step granddaughter, so MIL might have a very different view of the relationship than your dd does. It's sad for a young child but perhaps a chat to her about expectations?

I'm all for not pandering to MILs who want to be courted and worshipped, and adjusting my dc's expectations accordingly. When I'm asked, I say my MIL is too busy. I find it very sad, but she usually is too busy and makes no effort. I'm not going to build that relationship up into something lovely when it's not. Far better they learn early on that family might mean not seeing each other very often and it's not their fault.

Original poster

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 15:46

We've been saying she's 'too busy' but it was mil's birthday yesterday so dp went up to see her.

DD just blurted it out this morning as she's noticed they haven't seen her.

It's so sad. My kids loved her. She had absolutely no relationship at all with dd 9 months who is her first 'blood' grandchild.

I just don't understand people sometimes. Why did she walk into their life is she wasn't prepared to push disagreements to one side for their sake?

OP posts:

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 31/07/2013 15:51

I don't think you should text her about this. Concentrate on helping your DD to handle it.

A bit of an aside, but can anyone explain why there seems to be this obsession (never heard of it in RL, only on here) among MILs to have tiny grandchildren overnight on their own? I just don't get it.

Original poster

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 15:52

I don't get it either. She went completely mental, and I genuinely felt like she was of the opinion I should have handed my baby over at birth.

OP posts:

xylem8 · 31/07/2013 15:53

some clarification please.
If your baby is 9m old, and you haven't seen MIL for 6month, then you must have seen her SINCE you refused to let her have the baby at 2 weeks old?
Therefore it can't be that that is keeping her away?

Treagues · 31/07/2013 15:53

She ain't worth it. She's shown you that! Sorry for your dh as well, what a shame for him to have such a twit for a mother.

Concentrate on telling your dd it isn't about her, MIL is not very happy, you don't know why, but there isn't much you can do.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 15:55

My tips - having been in exactly this situation - don't text.

Tell your DD that it isn't her. Don't Bad mouth gran just say you would like her to visit too but it's tricky. Promise her you will keep asking. Make sure you say to DD 'look, it's not you. When gran doesn't visit she can't see mummy or baby either - and you know we haven't done anything. It's just grand choice and she will come when she can'

The downside is not your dc not seeing gran. The downside is them blaming themselves. Make sure that is your priority.

I phoned. She hung up. I called her and FIL a pair of wankers on the answer phone. We didn't see them for 10 years.

Ds1 was initially upset but he stopped caring pretty quickly. Dd met them on her 9th birthday. They petted her and raved about seeing her again soon. I warned her that granny and grandpa don't like visits. Just as well. She hasn't seen them since and it is nearly her 11th birthday.

Back off. Ignore. Stop telling your kids they will see her. Tune her out.

I really genuinely understand how you feel but your being upset will make it worse for your children.
Good luck. X

Original poster

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 15:55

Sorry xylem. Just to clarify, we fell out when dd was 2 weeks old over the overnight thing. We carried on but she never really let it go. We fell out again over the same thing and she hasn't been up since mid January

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 31/07/2013 15:56

I don't think you should be the one contacting her. When your DP is home tonight, suggest he calls/texts his mum to say was nice to see you at your birthday, let me konw if you want to come over one weekend for lunch and see the children.

Never text anything you wouldn't be happy to be shown round. Texting a positive "doors open" message means you can hold your head high, your MIL has fallen out with you, not the other way round, you have let her see the DGC (although not on her own terms, ie overnight), but she's declining. If she cared about the DCs and not about "winning" then she'll be postive back about visiting. If she turns down that sort of polite invite, then you know not to give her headspace. At which point you can honestly say to your DD, "well, we've invited her over, she's very busy."

Do they see your parents at all? can you fill the space with lots of visits from your family/friends so your DCs are less likely to notice the gap? the longer it goes, the less they will care about her.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 15:56

Woah - she is refusing to see his child but DP went over there for her birthday?

Original poster

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 16:00

Yeah dp has found it very hard. He was the blue eyes boy and its taken ALOT for him to stand up to her. Yesterday was the first time in 3 weeks. 3 weeks before that too

He didn't want to forget her birthday and give her any ammo. I wAs a bit annoyed, but also understood his point x

OP posts:

Original poster

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 16:01

Meant yesterday was the first time he's seen her in 3 weeks. X

OP posts:

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