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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To text mil and tell her I'm angry

68 replies

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 15:19

Mil hasn't seen the kids for 6 months because I wouldn't let her have our 2 week old baby overnight. Mil's choice not to see the kids. She's been asked soooo many times.

My dd aged 8 (her step granddaughter)has just burst into tears asking why mil won't come to see her and has she done anything to upset her

I'm SO bloody angry that my child has to feel bad because of this woman's stubbornness and feel like texting her to tell her how shit she's made my child feel.

I know it's prob not thd best idea I've had but I'm so angry. I wish I'd never let this stupid woman into my kids lives :(

She was so ok til dd 3 (9 months and first blood grandchild)) was born then she was like the she devil :(

Thanks x

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 16:05

Ok.
I can't quite get it tbh. Dh is an only child but once the pils wouldn't/couldn't see the children that was it for him.
The 'doesn't want to give her ammunition' thing is just 'I don't want another fight' really isn't it?

Original poster
Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 16:07

Dp is one of 5. And yes, prob was done to not hav a fight but fighting is what she does best so I guess what I meant was it gave her nothing to fight about by him forgetting her bday.

Personally, I would have 'forgot'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 16:08

*not forgetting

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 16:12

I think it is going to send mixed messages if you and the dc are being ignored and your p is turning up with bunches of flowers.
And did DP really think about the fact that he is taking birthday greetings to his mum while your dd is sitting at home weeping because of her behaviour.

I am not criticising you and it's his mother of course. But it sounds to me like she is playing the to of you right down the middle and your dd is the one being upset.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 16:18

I can defo see your point pagwatch I really can.

I'm unsure of what to do about the whole stupid situation. Dp and I have spoke about it and he just can't cut his mum out completely.

I think she's come to terms with not seeing the kids but has realized in the process that she can see dp all by herself whilst leaving out the rest of us.

Huge sad face. What do I do? X

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 31/07/2013 16:21

Write a letter. Say whatever you want, swear, be rude, have a pop - whatever! Then rip it into pieces and enjoy ripping it. Be sure to pick all the bits up or burn them.

You'll feel miles better, have let your frustration out both in the written word and the physical destruction of the letter. Give your DC's cuddles and then make sure you have fab happy times. Because she wants you to miss her, give in and basically be queen bee again.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 16:31

Honestly, I worked really hard and moved the kids along.

I would talk to ds1 (who was the most upset) and i would be as honest as I could without ever telling them any bad stuff - just 'its not you, she doesn't want to visit'. Then time did the rest.

A few years in they started trying to see him. His attitude was 'where we're you when I missed you'
Now they ask about him, try to see him. He is polite but he doesn't give a shit - seen them once in 12 years.

Do that. Let your DP do his thing. Et the kids forget her.

Cherriesarelovely · 31/07/2013 16:37

How sad for you all. That is really awful and your MIL sounds incredibly controlling. My ex MIL was a bit like that, absolutely desperate to "get her hands on the baby" when I had Dd. Wanted to come to some arrangement with me where she could have her overnight every other weekend from a couple of weeks old. Like your MIL if I put my foot down over things she would literally stomp off in a mood and not turn up at all for anything. In my case we had a very frank, tearful conversation after a couple of years of this and it really improved. I wonder if your MIL would agree to that. So silly that she is cutting off her nose to spite her face like this.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 16:39

She won't talk to me at all. I might get dp to ring her later but I already know he is of the opinion to just leave her alone.

I do sometimes wonder if he tells me one thing and her another :/

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Cherriesarelovely · 31/07/2013 16:46

I'm really sorry to hear that. In my case my MIL was actually keen to sort it out in her own funny way. If she wont speak to you then what can you do? How sad though, I am sorry for you and your Dcs.

TylerHopkins · 31/07/2013 16:49

Put DD on the phone to her, surely she wouldn't have the hard face to turn down the child?

pianodoodle · 31/07/2013 16:55

I'm not surprised you're angry Angry

It does seem to me like sending her an angry message might just play into her hands though. I think it would give her an opportunity to play divide and conquer with you and your dp something she's already making a start on by the sounds of it.

This is some people's way of getting around any situation where they owe an apology but are the type to never give one as it feels like the other person has somehow "won" :(

Original poster
Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 16:57

Piano.

I think this is exactly the case. Divide and conquer and she would defo see apologising as defeat :(

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 31/07/2013 17:05

Hmmm... My in laws did a similar stunt once and didn't speak for months. DH had politely pulled them up on something they did that was really interfering. I think it was the first time he'd done it so the silent treatment was almost like his punishment for daring to find fault with them.

Very manipulative behaviour, and it did end up with me sending a text saying how awful I thought it was... Cue them contacting dh to say how rude I was and that they'd only not contacted us because it was "all so upsetting" and they were just so distraught yadda yadda...

That was last year but of course it was glossed over eventually and now butter wouldn't melt...but it's hard for me to forget and even now I still have the odd seethe about it - mostly to my mum :)

Thisisaeuphemism · 31/07/2013 17:14

I can't understand why dh is prepared to see her when she won't see his kids. This speaks volumes to me.

I think he is wrong to support her stupid tantrums.

valiumredhead · 31/07/2013 17:16

Don't text.

DuelingFanjo · 31/07/2013 17:20

I would say no contact too. DP should be the one thrashing it out with her if anyone.

Just explain to the kids that she doesn't want to come at the moment but it's not their fault or your fault.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 17:29

Tyler

My son wrote to his grandfather, aged 10. Enclosed was a picture of him holding grandpas hand.
Grandpa TYPED him a reply saying he had no intention of getting sucked into this nonsense.

I would be cautious about guessing at what level of hurt some gps are prepared to ship out to make a point.

pianodoodle · 31/07/2013 17:33

Yes - I had no experience of people acting like that and as a plain speaking person it just seemed the natural thing to do to point out their silliness but it didn't have the effect I thought it would! I should have just kept ignoring and left them to stew.

pianodoodle · 31/07/2013 17:41

Grandpa TYPED him a reply saying he had no intention of getting sucked into this nonsense.

Shock

What the hell is wrong with some people?!?!

Original poster
Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 17:49

They're selfish that's what! Stupid people x

OP posts:
Treagues · 31/07/2013 17:50

I have a theory that some people lack imagination so much that when they get to be grandparents, they have completely forgotten childhood and can't imagine what it's like for a child to do anything.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2013 17:57

I know pianodoodle.
I sat with DS1 and (to my shame) we both just cried.

Ds1 kept the letter. I found it in his room. He said , rather brilliantly, that he kept it so he never forgot how fantastic his dad is - to have a dad like that and yet turned into a gentle loving, caring parent himself Smile

Justforlaughs · 31/07/2013 18:08

I really struggle with my MIL at times, but hand on heart she would never have done anything like this to my DS1. We have had some real stand up rows but she has never refused to see the kids (hasn't seen me for a year) and I have never stopped her from seeing the children or my DH. I would probably be tempted to write her an invite to a nice meal out for her birthday, no apology, just an olive branch.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 18:09

She's point blank refuse. Offered so many olive branches x

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