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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To text mil and tell her I'm angry

68 replies

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 15:19

Mil hasn't seen the kids for 6 months because I wouldn't let her have our 2 week old baby overnight. Mil's choice not to see the kids. She's been asked soooo many times.

My dd aged 8 (her step granddaughter)has just burst into tears asking why mil won't come to see her and has she done anything to upset her

I'm SO bloody angry that my child has to feel bad because of this woman's stubbornness and feel like texting her to tell her how shit she's made my child feel.

I know it's prob not thd best idea I've had but I'm so angry. I wish I'd never let this stupid woman into my kids lives :(

She was so ok til dd 3 (9 months and first blood grandchild)) was born then she was like the she devil :(

Thanks x

OP posts:

Cherriesarelovely · 31/07/2013 18:53

What does she say to your DP about it all? Sometimes people are just incredibly unreasonable and are deeply entrenched in "being the victim" I guess.

pianodoodle · 31/07/2013 18:54

Pagwatch That was really mature of your son - nice to see that hopefully most kids will be put off acting a certain way by seeing such nonsense rather than just copying the same behaviour - which is always the fear!

Joanne that just sounds like an incredibly stubborn woman unfortunately. She would rather burn her bridges and miss the bigger picture than be pleasant for the children's sake.

I always think silent treatment is a particularly cruel tactic and the desired effect is of course frustration and anger, or in your dp's case guilt. I'm very wary of the type of person who uses it and often when they get the desired reaction (anger) they'll act completely surprised and baffled by it - which only adds to the frustration.

It's a wonder DH is as well adjusted as he is. He is a (hopefully) recovering alcoholic though and it wouldn't surprise me if there was a link there somewhere...

namechangesforthehardstuff · 31/07/2013 20:11

As someone with an evil MIL (although not a patch on pagwatch's FIL) I'd say your dp needs to stop letting her ignore his family and still be all sweetness and light to him. I don't get how he's going to justify that to your dcs in the longer term?

Original poster

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 20:56

Thank you everyone for you great replies. After speak to dp again tonight he's now very irritated :(

I told him I thought it sent the wrong message by going up there yesterday and now I'm getting the guilt trip 'fine I don't go up there'

Urgh! I guess I can't complain too much. He clearly had a very good teacher!!!!!!!

She does indeed react like she's the victim and seems completely bewildered by my anger. She honestly feels the one who has been wronged.

So basically he wants a relationship with his mum. Seriously can't think for thd life of me why, but hey it's his choice. I've told him I'm not happy about it (all things considered) and he's been warned ill be in a foul mood whdn he goes up there.

Don't see that there is much else I can do.

OP posts:

Thisisaeuphemism · 31/07/2013 21:02

So he will have a relationship with his mother who refuses to have a relationship with his own children?

He is fucked up. Does he not see that that's weird?

Original poster

Joanne279 · 31/07/2013 21:11

Yep it seems so. Some days I'm left questioning my own sanity over this stupid situation.

My patents encouraged me to talk about my problems. Listen to others points of view and reach an agreement everyone is happy with. I row with my mum sometimes but usually less than 24-48 hours later we talk, clear thd air and move on. Surely it's what adults do?

This woman's silent treatment is her power trip and I really feel that the 'problem' is with dp rather than her as he's 'allowing' her behaviour by going up acting all hunky dory. Although he adds he doesn't talk to her much when he's up there. What's the point then?

OP posts:

pianodoodle · 31/07/2013 21:30

Yes it does sound like he's been listening to a load of old nonsense from her. It's amazing the way some can actually behave so obviously badly but manage to find ways to make another person think otherwise despite all the evidence being in front them....

The fact that the situation now has you and your DP sniping at each other will not bother her a jot. The most important thing is never being seen to be wrong.

If your DP has grown up thinking normal people behave like this it's probably very hard for him to get out of the cycle of being manipulated.

She will know guilt will get the better of him eventually, but not you, because you can see more clearly that you haven't done anything wrong and can see things for what they are. That makes you particularly annoying to her because you haven't fallen into line properly so you'll be in for any character assassination possible to paint you as the true villain. That's why the texting is not the best idea however tempting :)

It's very frustrating as it's only a matter of time before the fact she gave you and your child the silent treatment will be "all in the past" in favour of "you're trying to drive a wedge between me and my mother" and before you know it you're somehow the evil one! Crazy making people :(

Not sure what to suggest at this stage but just explaining how you feel and how she has made your child feel but without being cross, so it doesn't make you look like the unreasonable one or give him a reason to think you're having a go at him. It's annoying when you want to be cross though!

Someone recommended a book to me called "In Sheeps Clothing" which seems good although I only read extracts online. There were a lot of examples of this behaviour and how best to deal with it/not let it make you crazy x

pianodoodle · 31/07/2013 21:38

P.S he is indeed allowing her behaviour but my DH did eventually cotton on to what was happening. He went to meet his mum one day and she said "how awful for you being stuck in the middle" and he said "I'm not stuck in the middle mum if you'll remember it was me who called up to talk about the inital problem, not pianodoodle, and we both still feel it was wrong"

Trouble is, you would actually need a notebook and pen round these people as they often hope the passage of time will allow them to either deny what was actually said or outright lie about something you said to them. It was only when DH caught them doing it and said "actually I was there when piano was on the phone and she didn't say that at all" that he realised what they were playing at.

It did make him quite sad and disappointed with them though so there's never an upside apart from the fact that he's a lot more alert to it now :(

bunchoffives · 31/07/2013 22:31

May be your MIL just doesn't want to see you all anymore?

Did she invite your DH round for her bday?

karmabelieversnamechange · 01/08/2013 08:00

I would tell dh that it's his decision to continue seeing his mother, but that you view it as an act of disloyalty, given how she is treating you and the dc. With that in mind, you do not wish to discuss it or hear anything about her EVER. And if in years to come the dc ask how he could continue seeing someone who just cut them off, then you will be leaving all explanations to him and he will need to accept that in carrying on as he is, he risks both his wife and children having a lower opinion of him than they would have ordinarily. But it's his choice to make. I would add that under no circumstances is he to discuss me or the dc with her and if I discovered that he had, I would view that as an unforgivable act of disloyalty.

Then I would not be drawn into saying another word about it and would carry on as if this was having no impact on me.

But privately I would view him as someone I couldn't quite rely on to right by me.

Cherriesarelovely · 01/08/2013 08:08

op already knows that bunchofives, she is upset about it and asking how to resolve it especially as their Dc are upset.

Cherriesarelovely · 01/08/2013 08:13

Agree with Karma. First write to her and say you are more than willing to talk about it but after this you wont ask again. Your Dp is being very disloyal, I feel for you and agree that he's allowing her to behave like this. I also come from a family where we cool down and then talk about things. Consequently there are no big grudges blighting our lives. You are acting in a completely sane, reasonable way here, that is all you can really do. It will still be sad if she chooses to ignore you but you will know you were reasonable and sensible about it.

EatYourCrusts · 01/08/2013 08:20

Why won't she see the DC even if she has fallen out with you? Is she only interested in her 'blood relatives' now?
I don't know why your DH didn't take the girls with him?

EatYourCrusts · 01/08/2013 08:21

Your DH is being disloyal yes.

pianodoodle · 01/08/2013 08:25

But privately I would view him as someone I couldn't quite rely on to right by me

Same here. Even if I'd done all I could and acted in the right by not bringing it up again I'd still feel a lot of resentment.

Resentment at MIL wouldn't bother me as I wouldn't have to see her any more but much trickier to push aside when you feel it towards your husband :(

Pagwatch · 01/08/2013 08:38

Yes, exactly.

Once my in laws were 'that's it. We are not coming over.' dh would never have gone over there without us. They either grew the fuck up and we met together at each there houses or we did not meet at all.

Once they started trying to reinstate contact DH went to meet them once, in a pub. Then they came here.

Actually I really don't like the suggestion that ops dh should take the children to mils. All that does is isolate the op as if she is the one who is the problem - even more divisive.

fluffyraggies · 01/08/2013 08:44

Most important thing right now is to protect your DDs feelings. My XHs parents were spectacularly uninterested in our children, preferring instead to lavish their time and money on their youngest son's children. We all lived within a couple of minutes walk of each other, so it wasn't a distance thing. I tried to please the PILs - but it was no good.

I would seethe with anger and sadness for my DCs - but never showed a jot of emotion about it in front of them. When they were younger they would ask things sometimes - like ''how come Nanny X has taken Y and Z (their cousins) to Florida and we couldn't go?'' Somehow i'd fluff through it and say stuff like how hot and horrible is in Florida and gently turn their thoughts round to our upcoming family outings. Once they got older they just accepted it as the norm that they didn't see much of that set of GP, and honestly the less we saw of them the less we had the wonderfulness of Y and Z, nd everything they did for them rammed down our throats. Not easy OP, but it can be done.

I would continue to pull your DP up on carrying on as if nothing was happening with his DM. It's really not on.

karmabelieversnamechange · 01/08/2013 08:47

Agree pagwatch. I would never allow my dc to be taken somewhere that I wasn't welcome. No one gets to cherrypick the parts of my family that they find acceptable and I consider it harmful to kids to ser mum or dad being left behind in order to indulge the unreasonable requests of someone else. I want my dc to grow up knowing it's fine not to indulge other people's strops!

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