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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about midwife (internal/assault)

273 replies

Hensinthehedgerow · 31/07/2013 14:41

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section. I'm in search of some opinions. This may not sound like much to complain about to some people. But this has really affected me and my marriage and I can't seem to move on.

In summary, I had a birth plan, it said no internal examinations and everything done needs to be explained to me. I thought she was doing an external examination, but instead did an internal which was very painful and basically in public view after my husband had been sent out of the room. I wish I had kicked her in the head and screamed and called the police, but I was holding my newborn baby and didn't Hmm I want to cry, I can't sleep.

I raised these issues with the som who said it shouldn't have happened an that she would speak to the midwives. Then emailed me to say the midwives agreed more communication would have been helpful to me wft

I have no idea if making a formal complaint will help. But can't let this go. Aibu to complain. The midwives were horrible and essentially bullied my husband. I guess it's wwyd? Sorry for the ramble.

OP posts:
eurochick · 31/07/2013 16:17

pinup how many men do you think have fingers shoved up them without consent to check their prostates during a medical exam? I'm sure if this was happening to men, there would be a huge outcry. A midwife may feel that a check is necessary but she is still obligated to seek consent before conducting it.

Ezio · 31/07/2013 16:20

Hen i feel for you, you should complain, no one obviously paid attention to your wishes, and to not tell you or ask either, is just horrid.

When i have a smear test, i knew what the nurse was gonna do and i was ready, i still jumped when she touched me.

So for you completely unaware must have felt terrible.

ANormalOne · 31/07/2013 16:20

rowtunda

If it was documented on the notes then she wasn't doing her job.

She should have read the notes and then explained that she need to do an internal check. OP said she was fine with external examinations, I'm guessing she assumed when the MW said 'check' she meant an external examination and that she had read the notes - 'check' could mean anything.

Either way, the MW should not have put her fingers inside of OP w/o explicit consent, it's that simple. No ifs, ands or butts.

sweetie

When I gave birth I didn't have any drugs the examination was not sore after.... I can't understand why it was sore what on earth was she doing? Her reason for it been sore is rubbish and I wouldn't accept that.

I gave birth naturally and it was agony when the MW examined me afterwards, not all birth experiences are exactly like yours funnily enough.

Original poster
Hensinthehedgerow · 31/07/2013 16:22

I told her it was painful and she made no acknowledgement and didn't stop. Oh god I'm a total mess over it really

OP posts:
eurochick · 31/07/2013 16:22

sweetie it's assault because someone inserted something into her without consent. There doesn't need to be violence to constitute assault.

maja00 · 31/07/2013 16:23

FFS, are some people on this thread terminally thick?

It doesn't matter WHY the midwife did it.

It doesn't matter if it was really important and medically necessary.

No one has a legal or moral right to put their hand inside your vagina without your consent. Doesn't matter if they have a uniform and a name badge. Doesn't matter if they are married to you. Women still have autonomy over their own bodies.

The OP expressly did not consent to internal examinations. The midwife did not attempt to gain consent. Therefore - assault.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/07/2013 16:23

I think I had DS with no internals either before or after birth and it was a definite improvement, especially declining the sweep a second time, which was offered as overdue with both.

Original poster
Hensinthehedgerow · 31/07/2013 16:24

I'd actually written down no internals so thought I was safe Hmm

OP posts:
sweetiepie1979 · 31/07/2013 16:24

I think I've probably asked too many questions that you might feel uncomfortable to answer so I'm sorry. Dont answer.... You need to concentrate on your baby now your healthy now but continuing down this road of unhappiness and crying because you had an internal is going to make you Ill and you've got to be strong for your baby. The baby is healthy and happy yes? Get some counciling ASAP for yourself that will ell you come to terms with this. You said it was a problem for you before birth so you maybe need to look at the bigger picture. Child birth can be straightforward but tough after and I was traumatised after mine just the shock of it! So please look at your baby and be glad your both herr and healthy that's the important thing. The midwife was probably a limitless rough and maybe she didn't read your birthplan and she should have but it sounds like she checked you to see if you were ok rather than assaulted you.

ANormalOne · 31/07/2013 16:24

No one has a legal or moral right to put their hand inside your vagina without your consent. Doesn't matter if they have a uniform and a name badge. Doesn't matter if they are married to you. Women still have autonomy over their own bodies.

This.

xylem8 · 31/07/2013 16:26

'I wish I had kicked her in the head '

I think you would have found yourself in jail!

Ezio · 31/07/2013 16:26

Hen, this happened to you, you did not consent on the forms, she did not ask for consent and it caused you unnecessary pain.

If you will you want to complain over your treatment, then you are well within your right too.

Original poster
Hensinthehedgerow · 31/07/2013 16:26

Sweetie you don't have a clue

OP posts:
sweetiepie1979 · 31/07/2013 16:28

majaoo terminally thick? Really? Everyone here trying to help OP along here no need to resort to insults it's a sensitive topic.

ANormalOne · 31/07/2013 16:29

Hen it's the second thread sweetie has tried to explain away a medical assault, I say the counselling is a good idea but complain too.

I know someone who had a traumatic experience when she had a termination at the hands of doctors and nurses, she complained and wrote a detailed letter about her experience. It was read out to all the doctors and nurses and they made changes based on it, she said it helped her immensely to know that they knew what it had done to her.

sweetiepie1979 · 31/07/2013 16:29

Right! Did she actually put her hand in your vagina?

maja00 · 31/07/2013 16:29

sweetiepie - if a man at a party stuck his hand up your vagina without gaining your consent because he thought you would like it, would you feel that was assault? What about if you'd just told him you don't like being touched? Or maybe you'd just drop it - think he had good intentions and you are physically fine now so no need to make a fuss?

Bunnygotwhacked · 31/07/2013 16:30

but rowtunda if it's your first birth and you have had a water birth with no interference and were busy with breastfeeding you wouldn't necessarily equate a little check with an uninvited hand up the fanjo. By using the words a little check she is deliberately downplaying what is about to take place. After birth checks IME have always been painful
It is assault simply because she did not know what was happening and she didn't agree to it

ANormalOne · 31/07/2013 16:30

xylem

I kicked a doctor who was giving me stitches without anesthetic in the face, no jail time here.

Bunnygotwhacked · 31/07/2013 16:31

thread moved on lots of cross posts

Pinupgirl · 31/07/2013 16:31

As someone who has lost 3 dc in late pregnancy I welcome any advice/examination from a trained medical professional that might assist in my taking home a live baby. I couldnt give a shit who stuck their hand up me if I thought it was helping either myself or my baby.Im sorry you were upset op but trying concentrating on your lovely baby.

ANormalOne · 31/07/2013 16:31

Sweetie she gave her an internal examination, she put her fingers inside of OP without consent. That's assault.

Original poster
Hensinthehedgerow · 31/07/2013 16:31

Thanks bunny, you get it

OP posts:
ballinacup · 31/07/2013 16:34

maja00 that's a stupid comparison. The midwife wasn't doing anything like a man sexually assaulting someone and it's a ridiculous comparison to draw.

That's not to say you don't feel violated OP, but what if she'd asked, and you'd said no, and something had been seriously wrong? What if something had been so wrong that you'd been left incredibly poorly or with extreme problems in the future? I don't doubt you, at that point, would have been saying that she hadn't done her job properly.

Look at it this way, and I know it's probably not much comfort, but she wasn't trying to hurt you. She was trying to help you and make sure you were okay. She did not assault you, as she did not have the appropriate mens rea to assult you. She was probably busy, as is the case in overstretched NHS maternity wards, and hadn't had time to give the notes of every woman she was helping thorough scrutiny. Her job will be largely routine to her and this was part of it.

nurseneedshelp · 31/07/2013 16:34

"Wished I'd kicked the midwife in the head"

Wow such gratitude for someone that's just safely delivered your baby!

Makes me sick, all the staff are under so much pressure and you're complaining that she examined you?

She should have gained verbal consent and explained what she was doing but maybe you were busy bonding with your baby!