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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with my SIL for sharing photos of my children?

91 replies

Fairy130389 · 30/07/2013 00:37

SIL and DH don't get on due to some pretty hideous incidents on her part. I try to be civil and reasonably friendly with her as I want my children to have relationship with their cousin, and as she lives in Scotland and us south we bumble along ok

We were quite firm about not posting pics of children on fb and she used to post pics of eldes on fb without clearing it with us first. We explained that we weren't comfortable with that...

Anyway, we have since relaxed a bit about it but both have very tight privacy controls. I put pic on fb today of children.

Just logged on to see that she has 'shared' the picture with those on her account! Without asking! So now in theory all of her friends who we don't know can see them, their friends can see them etc etc. I also think it is not ok to do something like this without asking permission... Aibu??

OP posts:
FondantNancy · 30/07/2013 07:20

*we DO want them to have the choice.

exoticfruits · 30/07/2013 07:23

I can see that you are upset that she broke an agreement but, from what you say, it shouldn't come as a great surprise. If you feel so strongly about photos then don't post them. You also don't need to have her as a FB friend. Once you have tightened your privacy settings keep checking them.

curlew · 30/07/2013 07:25

"I've never understood this. Just what is so bad about posting a pic of a child on fb? Am I being stupid or naive?"

It steals their souls, didn't you know?

saintlyjimjams · 30/07/2013 07:26

Ah can I ask anyone who knows...

If you add an untagged photo & make it 'friends only' what happens when it is shared? Can it be shared? I did try to turn off sharing for some specific photos but couldn't work out how to do it (well you can't).

londonrach · 30/07/2013 07:26

You are being unreasonable. The moment you shared the photos on fb you lost control of them. Since fb changed it rules I have put very few pictures up. My sister requested no pictures of her children so instead with her agreement I email a photo every couple of months to our relatives and friends. Check your photo setting on fb and don't share any picture you don't want the world to see.

flowery · 30/07/2013 07:27

Perhaps she thought that because you were now sharing on Facebook you had relaxed your previous stance on it being unacceptable for her to do it.

lborolass · 30/07/2013 07:31

Your SIL may have clicked the share button but if you have your settings correct the picture won't actually be seen by anyone who isn't already your friend.

I don't think you really need to worry, as others have pointed out FB can do what it likes with your pictures but I don't think you have a problem with your SIL.

Why do you allow her to see the photos in the first place? The answer to the problem is in your own hands anyway.

TheFallenNinja · 30/07/2013 07:42

Why oh why oh why is it important? It's a just a picture.

exoticfruits · 30/07/2013 07:59

From SIL point of view she respected that you didn't post photos but having suddenly seen some she would have assumed that you had changed your mind. I assume that you didn't contact her and tell her that you had relaxed your original stance, but that it wasn't to make any difference?

DoctorRobert · 30/07/2013 08:11

the irony of all this is none of your SIL's friends are even likely to look at the photos. who cares about kids they don't know when you have enough crap come up on your feed as it is

CoolaSchmoola · 30/07/2013 08:14

You can customise your friends list to control who can see what. I have Close Friends, Friends and Acquaintances. Acquaintances can see me in their friends list, but can't see anything I post unless I actively allow it on the specific post.

Friends can see everything I post, apart from anything I mark Close Friends Only. If I do that only a select few can see what I post.

You can also stop sharing and tagging.

I have a family member on my friends list who can see all my text updates but none of my pictures - as far as they can see I don't have any on there. (I do).

candycoatedwaterdrops · 30/07/2013 08:15

YABU. As others have said, once you posted it on facebook, it no longer belongs to you. If you don't want other people to share, then don't put it on FB!

Fakebook · 30/07/2013 08:18

Trust me, no one gives a shit about your children when they look at the pics on fb...I'm sure they're not that eye catching. I'm only saying this because I see hundreds of shared pics of other people's children on fb everyday and I don't even give them a second glance. Other people's children are boring.

EagleRiderDirk · 30/07/2013 08:19

I share a lot of photos on Facebook of my DC, as I have friends and family far and wide so its the perfect setting for everyone to see them easily. my privacy is tightly controlled by audience group. I've only had one problem with someone sharing photos, and that was my sister. she wouldn't respect my wishes on that, so she isn't included in the list of people who can see my photos (or wasn't, we don't talk now and she's blocked for other reasons). Facebook has some wonderfully customisable privacy options that a lot of people don't realise.

share your photos next time, just make sure she's included in the list of people/groups who can't see them.

Footface · 30/07/2013 08:21

Really Yabu, she didn't post anything did she, she shared a photo the YOU posted.

You don't like her, so are fault finding

EvieanneVolvic · 30/07/2013 08:23

Am I the only one wondering what the SiL's take on the relationship breakdown is, because from the this thread alone I am guessing it is not purely due to some pretty hideous incidents on her part.

Clearly the OP thinks that this posting of photos is one such hideous incident but to the dispassionate observer it could have a much more innocent interpretation: either SiL thought (as others have said) that the rule has been relaxed and/or she is hugely proud of her niece/nephews and wants to show them off.

Totally totally with everyone who is saying don't put anything on FB (or anywhere else on t'interweb) that you wouldn't be happy to paste on a hoarding at Euston Station.

EvieanneVolvic · 30/07/2013 08:24

share your photos next time, just make sure she's included in the list of people/groups who can't see them.

Good advice...or alternatively let her see them and stop escalating this minor contretemps into something it possibly isn't.

EvieanneVolvic · 30/07/2013 08:26

the irony of all this is none of your SIL's friends are even likely to look at the photos. who cares about kids they don't know when you have enough crap come up on your feed as it is

And this.

thebody · 30/07/2013 08:28

I don't really understand this. if you use Facebook you want to chat/ share and comment on your own and it here's lives.

pictures and photos are a huge part if this.

what's the problem? presumably your kids are not naked? so what? who cares? whose looking?

if some weirdo gets off in seeing pictures if kids( and they do if course) you can't really control that can you? they could equally stare or grab a picture in the supermarket.

I do see that if its a no for you it's a no but don't see this as 'hideous' behaviour really.

storm in tea cup.

maja00 · 30/07/2013 08:32

Once it's out on Facebook, you've lost control really. If you need to control your child's image then don't put it on the internet!

Personally I don't see a problem with photos of children on the internet and will continue to post pictures of mine unless they object. My dad has had his own blog/website full of new and old photos of us for years, completely open to the world, and it has caused me no issues.

qazxc · 30/07/2013 08:34

I am guilty of sharing photos and videos of my DNs. mostly because i love them and think they are cute. My friends also share photos of their DNs on theirs. I'd assume that anyone uninterested would just skip over them.

Having said that if my sister or DBIL came to me and said they wanted me to stop i would, immediately. so i can see why you would be pissed off, esp as it sounds that you have had more than one conversation about it. Is it worth talking about it again? maybe she doesn't realise how seriously you take it or has forgot?

thistlelicker · 30/07/2013 08:35

If its good for the goose it's good for the gander

FryOneFatManic · 30/07/2013 08:44

candycoatedwaterdrops Tue 30-Jul-13 08:15:30
YABU. As others have said, once you posted it on facebook, it no longer belongs to you. If you don't want other people to share, then don't put it on FB!

This is NOT true. You still own the photos, I found this quote below:

"You own all of the content and information you post on Facebook, and you can control how it is shared through your privacy and application settings. In addition:

1. For content that is covered by intellectual property rights, like photos and videos ("IP content"), you specifically give us the following permission, subject to your privacy and application settings: you grant us a non-exclusive, transferable, sub-licensable, royalty-free, worldwide license to use any IP content that you post on or in connection with Facebook ("IP License"). This IP License ends when you delete your IP content or your account unless your content has been shared with others, and they have not deleted it.

In other words - they do NOT own your stuff. You however, by posting, give them a license to use any content you post.

The vast majority of sites have a similar clause. Otherwise they would not be able to display the work or advertise their sites.

The same sort of thing applies to Flickr/Yahoo. Photo.net and virtually every other site where users upload work for display purposes."

arethereanyleftatall · 30/07/2013 08:46

Can I ask those few posters who don't want their children's photos on FB, why not? Genuine question.
I can understand no naked ones, but a fully clothed child? What difference does it make?
Do you not let your children walk down a street either in case a stranger passes them?

Edendance · 30/07/2013 08:51

I don't really understand people's concerns with posting pictures of children online tbh. I would certainly not see any problems with doing it myself.

It is bad that she shared a picture when you had asked her not to but considering you put the picture up she probably thought that you'd changed your mind- it hardly makes any sense!