to feel hopeless and weepy after another horrid day with my daughter

[wearyandweepy]

I love my daughter beyond description and feel very blessed that she is healthy and so am I. However, since she was born 13 months ago I feel like I've been waiting for her to get to the next stage and be happier but it just isn't happening.For eexample, when she was newborn she wanted to be carried 24/7 and I thought it'd get better when she could sit up. It didn't. I thought she might be more content once she started solids. She won't eat. I thought she might sleep better when a bit older. She doesn't. She is attached to me literally 24/7 all day every day. I have a constant headache from her whining. She won't eat any food despite me reducing feeds dramatically. I can't go anywhere, do anything or talk to anyone because of her constant whining. The past few weeks I've been thinking it might get better once she can walk independently but I think I'm just kidding myself. It's not as if I could even put her in nursery to get a break from her because she won't eat. I feel absolutely hopeless and dread another day of the same tomorrow. AIBU to feel miserable despite having a much wanted and loved child?

My Hv recommended butter for my dd who wouldn't eat. Said it would stimulate her appetite. It seemed to work but was trying other strategies at once so unsure which worked. I made sure my dd got lots of fresh air every day. Stimulated but never over stimsted. I
had to establish a very strict routine. Bedtime was also just before she got too tired (took a while to work that out) seemed to help. Dd is a v demanding child even now at 8, some say spoilt (mostly mil and my m). But some peace reins with v strict routines, between ds and dd don't know how I'm still sane. Middle dd was and is an angel :) dd is very head strong and demands to be center if attention. But found now she can read she is a nicer easier to manage. Maybe it's the sense of frustration and as she can do more your dd will be happier??

sorry to repeat myself but have you ruled out reflux?or silent reflux?

I agree with the cranial osteopath and a couple of days a week at a nursery or experienced childminder.

She doesn't seem to have any signs of reflux. Never had any problems breastfeeding, not sure if that means tongue tie isn't possible?

Please take her to a cranial osteopath I personally know 3 dc for whom it has worked miracles - miserable sad babies to wonderfully happy ones with only a couple of treatments making the initial huge improvements.

Wow - sounds like you're doing an amazing job in incredibly tough circumstances. I can't offer any great advice but just wanted to say well done on surviving this.

Nursery sounds a great idea if you can swing it somehow, plus it might give you some time with your eldest who sounds like a lovely dd. And I think that some other rl mum friends might help - I'd go over the edge without someone to offload on. If you haven't had the chance to meet many, then perhaps you could give us an idea as to where you are? I'm sure many of us would be glad to meet up to help compete with the noise.

Take care and try to find some time and peace to look after yourself too.

Oh crikey OP I feel for you. Nothing worse than constant whinging and food refusal and you've got both. In spades.

She's too young to reason with isn't she? Would she respond to "Mummy can't understand you when you whine. Use your normal ("big girl"?) voice" then "Oh DD I would love to pick you up! I love picking up and cuddling little girls who use their big girl voices!" or "no, you can't walk and whinge at the same time. We'll walk when you are finished whinging" then "Walking with such a big girl who uses her big girl voice..." etc.

Oh wait, she is only 13 months.... Ok, I have nothing.

Except bags of sympathy.

((hugs))

Crying literally all the time does sound out of the ordinary and worth investigating. Is that all the time, all the time, or all the time while teething?

Agree with others - an experienced childminder, investigate her possible health challenges, take any pressure off for food as she's either resisting because she's ill (so battling isn't worth it) or resisting because you're pushing (so battling isn't worth it). Get her checked for possible intolerances, tongue-tie, reflux, and digestion problems but also consider sensory issues - that she only eats yoghurt seems so particular, is she okay about mess? Is she okay getting mud on her hands etc? In addition, find some mum and toddler things to do nearby? Start a meetup group? Anything to get connected to other, rational adults.

Interesting to see that you think you are wishing away her time. Because it is your time too, the way you say it, it's like you don't count or something. You've also said if she was happy you'd be but in that sense your happiness depends entirely on a grizzly 1 year old. I know we've all felt that at times our children do hold that sort of power over us and they are that important, but on the other hand, it's too much to ask of her; it's not working; you're locked into whatever bump she's going over; it puts her in charge of your emotional weather and not you. Is there another way to handle it other than 'trying to be positive'? You could take a two-pronged approach: 1. accept that she's not going to be positive and try to connect with her emotional reality - commiserate rather than resist, as it were; and 2. take charge of your own emotional reality and find things - or create them - in your current life to focus your happiness and sanity on.

OP - I read your post with lots of sympathy.

I could have written it six years ago.

YANBU it is very hard work and babies who whine are difficult to enjoy unfortunately.

You sound lovely though and a great mum - you are doing a brilliant job. Get some rest and take some breaks.

Sorry you're having such a tough time with her.

I think I'd gradually try and set up quite a strict routine sergeant major-like routine with her, concentrating first on establishing a proper nap not on your lap. I think you might feel a bit more in control, even if it doesn't lead to miraculous improvements.

I would start by putting her in her cot at 1pm and trying to get her to nap via controlled crying. Check on her at 1 min, 2 min, 5 min then every 5 mins until she goes to sleep or just keep doubling the time if you want to be hard core. If she hasn't given up and gone to sleep by 2ish give up but try again the next day and every day after that for a week or so. I really think you need a break from her presence during the day and getting a nap going if possible might be a real sanity saver. It would also set up the possibility of putting her in her cot to sleep at night, if it worked. I realise it could be a long shot but worth a try, maybe? Some of her behaviour might be due to chronic overtiredness as well.

Re food; Can you mix stuff into the yogurt to make it more filling and nutritious? Fruit, cereal, baby rice, etc? Yogurt isn't unhealthy in itself.

Do you think maybe she needs more daytime sleep? Especially if she is that active.

You say she has one nap - how long is this?

I ask because I have a VERY active 13 month old ds who literally spends all day walking about hanging ontomy hands (and moans if he isn't) and he has two naps of 1.45 hours each (and sleeps 6-6). I'm not saying that to be smug but I do wonder if some of it is overtiredness?

Have you tried encouraging a nap about 2.5 hours after she wakes in the morning and then a midday nap too?

I do understand how you feel, some days I feel I'm going insane with ds. Dd is now 10 and she was never the mini tornado ds is!

It could be possible. Speak to the HV about her food refusal and the GP too.

I agree that getting out to some kind of group might help - since about 9 months I have found that my son really gets bored of being in the house, and taking him out not only tires him out but has made him really independent which is nice (although sometimes I am a bit [hmmm] when he tries to leave with other families!).
Can you engage her in whatever you're trying to do, so give her a wooden spoon to play with whilst you're cooking, get her a beaker of water when you're having a drink, give her a sieve or something to play with whilst you wash dishes, anything that she sees you doing that you could 'share' with her so she feels like she's involved without having to be there in your face?

My eldest went thru a stage like this. I eventually put her down and played with a toy to distract her from not being picked up. If she climbed on my lap, she went straight back down. It was hard but she eventually leant to amuse herself with toys. I'm not having a go hun, but when carrying her around, you're not giving her the chance to learn to play by herself. Yes, she will whine, but it will be worth it.

Its the same with sleep. Unless they're put down and given the opportunity to learn to self settle, they'll never do it.

As for the food, I maybe check with the health visitor about withholding milk for 24 hours. (Offer water maybe) I know that sounds awful, but like someone else said, kids don't starve themselves of hungry. Maybe she just needs a little push :)

Hth and huge hugs x

If you try the putting down thing, why not ask a friend to stay with you all day. That way then, you'll have some moral support instead of feeling so alone :) x

Wow, I can really empathise OP. She sounds exactly like my DD. Please just hang on in there and take it a day at a time. You will look back one day and congratulate yourself for getting through this. My DD (2nd child) screamed from morning to night. She gave me an hour off when she woke up first thing if i was lucky, so I got as much done then as possible. Just cleaning my teeth at night would be traumatic because I'd have to put her down! She would never let anyone else hold her either. I co slept with her til she was about 2.

She's now a very well adjusted, bright and fun loving 4 year old who's extremely independent. She loves going to nursery and can't wait to start school in September. She's been sleeping through the night for the last 18 months too. She's stubborn and still has a fair few major tantrums but is also extremely loving and plays really well without me interacting for ages. Her imaginitive play is quite something and she has lots of friends. I'd go as far as saying she's fairly easy now!
It WILL get better. I always say that as much as I adore my DD, she was the best contraception ever .

I haven't read all the posts but if you haven't already, please, please buy the book 'My Child Won't Eat'. It's very reassuring. My DD wasn't bothered about food til she was 15months and she's now a bit picky but pretty good at eating.
Good luck OP, you are not alone. I think wine may have helped me through those first couple of years.

Also getting out as much as possible helped too. I found that much easier then staying in with her because the constant white noise seemed to settle her a bit. Check out as many toddler groups, local libraries, etc, as possible.

It's a long time since mine were like this but my second child was a lot easier than the first because I didn't give in to whining, tantrums, etc as I knew it would be harder in the long run. Being honest, do you think you are pandering to her? Establishing good habits is hard but worth it if that is the case.

She sounds like a combination of my 2! DS was very clingy and screamed all the time, it was exhausting, he did go to nursery and loved it. DD didn't eat - at all (well thats what it felt like) Turned out she just prefered to feed herself. I swear she ate nothing but raisins for 6 months until she was about 18mths old! I wouldn't stress too much about the food at this point but talk to your hv if you are worried. Getting out as much as possible definatly helped with ds as he was entertained by things going on around him. It will get easier. My DD is now 5.5 and has a very good appitite, she's still quite fussy but not too much.

my latest addition is about the same age she was born last april.

she went through a period of not eating solids so i reduced milk feeds drastically. I only give her milk in the afternoon and evening. I followed written guidelines but milk feeds between meals i think it was too much for her little stomach.

Give your baby solids before any milk that way she will hopefully be hungry and eat more solids and less milk. In between meals give the minimum milk . for example my daughter only had 4-5oz never went above that so i give half of that. ive noticed if i give her 4oz in between come the next meal time shes not hungry. at night she can have a bigger milk feed. It's working for me give it a go.

she was also a bit of a moaner but you have to give a bit of tough love. If you're always picking her whenever she moans she will learn quickly i can get mum whenever i want if i moan a bit. So let her moan a bit 5 mins it won't last much longer. I often put mine in her highchair if she moans too much. I give her a toy or finger food whilst i do some chores. Before you know it its time for her morning nap, hallelujah!

You will get through it and yes you do need a break if help is on offer take it, I'd do anything for a break.

I do disagree with a few comments on here along the lines that - you need to put her down or she'll never learn. You need to let them "self-settle" or they'll never learn.

Well they do learn both - just on their own timescales! It depends how much sanity and patience you have left.

DD would NOT be put down EVER. Turned out she had tongue tie and reflux. The tongue tie was privately sorted at 5 months but left a lasting legacy. The reflux was never addressed.

Anyway, by using slings, and co-sleeping I met her need for having her mother in touching distance. Went back to work part time for sanity but found a good childminder who was willing to give her as many cuddles as she wanted.

So, at the age of 2 she is now sleeping through, and rarely wants picking up. I still sling her on my back when out though as she's not very good at walking in the direction we want to go! (Very stubborn and strong willed :) )

At 13 months though I was pulling my hair out as that was a particularly bad time - but it just gradually got better and better from there.

I think you need to go back to your HV / GP & talk to them again about her eating problems. Also mention her behaviour, as the chances are the 2 could be linked.

DD was very clingy when she was younger & had problems with eating at first, we were referred to an Occupational Therapist & dietician, which helped - turned out my food was too bland! i blame Annabel Karmel & her pureed pears...DD now has no problems & will eat anything in sight.

I wouldn't worry about the food thing if I were you as long as she appears healthy. I would use a sling and remain close to her at all times -clearly that is what she wants. Keep her busy doing things she loves. My youngest dd is 3 and would be extremely grumpy if I didn't hold her most of the time and be extremely close when she does get down to play. She has never been in a pram and hates being in the car unless I am next to her, so I do very short cars runs unless daddy is with me and I can sit next to her. Her sister was exactly the same and at 5 she rarely wants to be picked up and doesn't need me right there like she used to. I have 4 DCs and would say if they are winging a lot it is there way of telling you they aren't happy. It's tough though but maybe just think about how lovely it is that she wants you soooo much.

Have you had her weighed and measured recently? Is she actually underweight or managing to get by on the number of calories she's getting?

Dd2 was a very whingy baby (still is now to a lesser extent at age 4) and it is so wearing. It really helped me when she started nursery at 13 months, and strangely she has never been whingy at nursery so I guess the environment / extra stimulation suits her too.