to feel hopeless and weepy after another horrid day with my daughter

[wearyandweepy]

I love my daughter beyond description and feel very blessed that she is healthy and so am I. However, since she was born 13 months ago I feel like I've been waiting for her to get to the next stage and be happier but it just isn't happening.For eexample, when she was newborn she wanted to be carried 24/7 and I thought it'd get better when she could sit up. It didn't. I thought she might be more content once she started solids. She won't eat. I thought she might sleep better when a bit older. She doesn't. She is attached to me literally 24/7 all day every day. I have a constant headache from her whining. She won't eat any food despite me reducing feeds dramatically. I can't go anywhere, do anything or talk to anyone because of her constant whining. The past few weeks I've been thinking it might get better once she can walk independently but I think I'm just kidding myself. It's not as if I could even put her in nursery to get a break from her because she won't eat. I feel absolutely hopeless and dread another day of the same tomorrow. AIBU to feel miserable despite having a much wanted and loved child?

I think you need to recognise that you are doing everything you can, but you need help.

This level of whininess & demands would stop even super bloody nanny. The 'this will pass' thing really doesn't help I suspect.

I would suggest speaking to health visitor, looking at any day care possibilities even if it means cancelling something else (hols, sky etc)

Block the problems into sections - eating, walking, sleeping etc. Then focus on one a week / fortnight. Look at strategy e.g with food just trying favourite meals all bloody week.

This will take a lot out of you, do you have anyone who can help?

also this wont be popular but it think girls moan more!i have 3 boys and 1 girl and she definitley moans a lot,sometimes i get a stomach ache from listening to it if its one of those days when nothing seems to make it better!

DD (3) can be like this sometimes and used to be like it a lot more - but at nursery she is always an angel and eats everything

You sound down - understandably - and maybe it feels too daunting to make any changes.

But you are the mummy, you are in charge. Try and find a plan for getting her into her cot at the start of the night. Or get her a toddler bed and lie next to her until she sleeps then take if from there.

I felt trapped when I was going to bed with my dd, she napped with me every day and was a grump. However she did have reflux and tongue tie. In the end I worked on getting her in her cot for at least a couple of hours of an evening. then it got better from there.

Try and make a change to give yourself space. Yes it will be difficult but til you do it, you will feel drained and it has an adverse impact on you and your daughter.

She isn't that interested in bf now either Sam, otherwise I'd be very tempted to use it just for peace! She's never had a dummy and don't think she'd take one at this stage but worth a try, thanks.

I have two suggestion, child gate and nursery. But since nursery is out, I would get a couple child gates. Put one in kitchen to keep her out, and use the other one to keep her out of the bathroom, or to keep her in her room.

I just want to come over and give you a hug and take dd away with me for a few hours while you have a sleep and some wine and chocolate.

OP how does she sleep at night?

Honestly, if I had a child that unhappy then I would be looking into what was hurting or bothering them.

Children arent naturally predispositioned to be that deeply unhappy all of the time.

All of the time during teething or illness, but times that stop.

hmm. I had a dd who whinged and needed to have part of her body touching part of mine until she was almost four. (the second child btw - and a girl). It was easier because ds hadn't been like it and I knew it wasn't me and it isn't you either op. I wouldn't get wound up about the eating - offer the food give it 5-10 minutes - if not interested just put it in the bin. She'll be hungry at the next meal.

The only other thing I'd say, is can you get a play pen to anchor her for 15-20 minutes just so you can have a shower, do your hair, get dressed, have a cup of tea. OK she'll cry but at least she won't be knocking the tea out of our hand.

They do grow out of it - oddly enough - dd ran into school and never turned back - ds didn't although he wasn't like that as a baby. DD is quiet thing, who obeys rules and likes security and I think needed extra security as a baby. Will never know why but she's quiet and diffident even now but paradoxically knows her own mind and has never been led or misled by others.

Today she has been to Camden Market with a friend and then they got the bus back (several I think) to High Street Ken; tomorrow they are going to Chessington. She's fifteen and it's really quite unbelievable how they come on - yesterday she put all the photos on a cloud and hooked up dh's computer to his new printer but that's not to say she didn't drive me nearly mental when she was 1, and 2, and 3, and 4, and 6 .....

It's the sleeping that concerns me least I think as at least I know she will be peaceful at night if we co sleep and that I'll get some sleep. If I was up all night with her crying as well as the whinging all day I think I'd go nuts.I ffeel bad for her as I assume she must be hungry but she literally won't eat anything besides yoghurt and even if I let her have it she still isn't content.

Bless you, you have bought back memories of my dd at that age.

I found being strict with structured routine helped me!! Not sure if it helped my dd but I felt more in control and able to cope with in turn made me a more positive mummy rather that feeling worn down by it all.

I did not have the patience to cope with constant 'entertaining' so if dd was whinning I would pick her up and put her in another room with toys and then continue with whatever I was doing, she would normally cry and come back and i would just repeat until she eventually decided she would play by herself.

Re sleep put her in a cot, tell her its night night time and leave her to it - I know many mnetters frown upon cc but seriously if it's that or having a nervous breakdown cc wins.

Re food, put it in front of her and leave her to it, make food fun and let her muck about with it and play with her food. Do not get stressed if she doesn't eat. How much milk is she having? I would keep this to a minimum until she ups her solids.

Have you got any other mums in rl that can support you or meet up with and relate to where you are at.

My dd is now 7yo and lovely, so it does get eaiser but I found the baby/toddler years hard work.

Can I just tell you my DS was a total turd of a baby? I did not enjoy a single day with him until he was 18 months old. So many times I would have given him away, so many times I wished I'd never had him (being bluntly honest). Love being with him now, really enjoying him. On all those horrible days I kept telling myself it couldn't possibly last forever - and it didn't.
Now his sleep is another issue... Once again though, I'm sure if can't last forever and one day (one night!) he will sleep.

When DD eats something we clap and say "yeaaaaa gooood girl" this helps a bit a meal times and it's fun too seeing her laugh and smile , maybe you could try that ?

She sleeps fine as long as I'm there. She has teeth coming through which has increased the whinging today admittedly but she's still much much more hard work than any baby I've known every other day.

DD was like that. It was hell. Going back to work saved my sanity. I remember 12-14 months being especially bad.

Another thing that helped was using a sling - I'd sling her on my back and just get on with stuff - as long as I kept up a commentary and was out and about or doing things she was entertained and happy. And if she whinged, well, she was next to her mummy and I could sort of block her out.

She did have a tongue tie though. Really would advise getting it at least looked at.

DD is now 25 months, and although still pretty high maintenance, she now runs off to play at playgroups and playgrounds on her own.

Lamazeroo - I keep telling myself it's not forever and I know it won't be deep down. It's just hard when I literally cannot do anything or talk to anyone because of her. I feel like I'm counting down the hours til bedtime and wasting my life. My other daughter is great about it all and I cannot wait til baby is more settled so I can spend one on one time with her. It just feels a long way off.

My now-brilliant-eater (2.7yo) didn't really eat anything much until he was 15mo - would lick and pick things but never ate anything approaching a meal til then. Is it that she's eating nothing or just such a pitiful amount that it amounts to nothing? Because if it's the latter, don't sweat it, she'll get it.

You sound very unhappy yourself, who do you talk to on a regular basis IRL? Because decompressing with sympathetic adults is the only way to survive the tiny times - I speak as someone who really enjoys baby and toddler stage (I've got one of each at the moment) but I could not be sane without regular intellectually (rather than emotionally) demanding conversation.

It does sound like you are sort of giving up on now because the future will be okay? Which hasn't worked because the future hasn't been what you envisaged and anyway, now is all-consuming. From the outside, the easy-to-say, harder-to-achieve solution is to find things in the now to enjoy, to bring respite, to celebrate. This might not be related to your DD's achievements or development - but living for a better tomorrow the whole time is a way of wishing your life away.

She used to be happy so long as I was busy Frogs, but not anymore. Will get tongue tie looked into, thanks.

Oh yes and I second going back to work p/t, although I dreaded it I found everything felt so much better when I knew I had 2 days a week being me!!! Also dd thrived at the cm and loved being around other children. Infact that seemed to really help her settle down and learn how to play in some ways.

It sounds rough, weary. I found the 13 months phase was particularly hard. My DS was a relatively cheery-natured baby but even he went through a really grouchy phase when he was learning to walk. I can't promise anything but hopefully it will get better when she is able to walk independently. At the very least, you won't have to walk her around all the time!

Other things that worked for me when DS was in this frustrated phase were:

1. Playing music in the background - this never failed to calm him down a little
2. Distraction - looking through family photos, 'sorting' through our DVD collection aka wrecking it etc
3. Going for a drive in the car - when I would have a rough day with DS and he was whinging endlessly, I would take him out for a drive and even he continued whinging, I would put the radio on and listen to some calming music. At least it gave me a break from the endless pawing and clinging!

Could you hire a babysitter too? Even someone coming in one morning per week could be a godsend.

I hope things get better soon. My DS is much happier now that he is 21 months and learning to speak and able to run, climb, walk where he wants.

Sparkly she literally eats nothing. Not a morsel. She'd eat 4-5 yoghurts per day if I fed them to her but would still whinge and obviously can't go on like that forever. I talk to my elder dd in rl and thats it. I can't talk to dh on phone as can't hear him over baby. We used to walk at the weekend while she slept so we could talk but now it's impossible. I do feel precisely liking I'm wishing time away but baby's rather than mine. If she was happier I'd be perfectly happy. I start every day optimistic and remain positive and chirpy but it makes no difference.

Weary I PM'd you.

I think you need to stop stressing over the food. I remember endless battles with my mother over food - me refusing to eat because it was something I could control - her going on and on and on. Let her eat what she wants and stop making it an issue. I'm 53. By 30, fortunately, I was a recovered anorexic.

Napa - I always have music on to distract/drown out. She's much worse without it! I take her for drives to get some personal space too, she's only recently starting liking the car and it feels heavenly to not be pawed even if it is only for half hour.