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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel hopeless and weepy after another horrid day with my daughter

121 replies

wearyandweepy · 29/07/2013 21:16

I love my daughter beyond description and feel very blessed that she is healthy and so am I. However, since she was born 13 months ago I feel like I've been waiting for her to get to the next stage and be happier but it just isn't happening.For eexample, when she was newborn she wanted to be carried 24/7 and I thought it'd get better when she could sit up. It didn't. I thought she might be more content once she started solids. She won't eat. I thought she might sleep better when a bit older. She doesn't. She is attached to me literally 24/7 all day every day. I have a constant headache from her whining. She won't eat any food despite me reducing feeds dramatically. I can't go anywhere, do anything or talk to anyone because of her constant whining. The past few weeks I've been thinking it might get better once she can walk independently but I think I'm just kidding myself. It's not as if I could even put her in nursery to get a break from her because she won't eat. I feel absolutely hopeless and dread another day of the same tomorrow. AIBU to feel miserable despite having a much wanted and loved child?

OP posts:

McNewPants2013 · 29/07/2013 21:47

I think food refusal is the most challenging thing a parent can deal with ( apart from SN)

With ds the dietician recommend spatone as it had all the vitamins he needed.

Quangle · 29/07/2013 21:48

oh op - you poor thing. Your post brought back some miserable memories! Mine always ate actually but the whining was unbearable. And the screaming when I left the room. And DD was a bit late to walk but didn't crawl so I remember having to bend double to "walk" her everywhere or she would scream, for a period of about six months from the time when she might feasibly have crawled but didn't to the time when she finally started walking. Awful, awful, awful.

But agree with justforlaughs. If she is actually healthy and just resistant to eating and just a bit of a moaner - you need to set your limits and stick to them. If she won't eat, just walk away. No aeroplanes, no just one more for mummy, nothing. Just take the emotion out of it and step away. If it's "just" moaning and obstruction (not wishing to downplay the awfulness but just to distinguish it from a physical or serious mental block with eating) then perhaps nursery could actually help? It's amazing what they can do that you can't, simply because they are not emotionally involved. Apologies if it's much more serious than this - not sure from your post whether this just general toddler crap (technical term) or something else. If you think it is more than this, have you spoken to health professionals?

PS it does get better. My life got better at 18mo and then again at 2 and then again when the youngest reached 3. But I still rarely get to go to the toilet by myself.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 29/07/2013 21:49

YANBU.

NOTHING is more life-sapping than a whingy, clingy child.

McNewPants2013 · 29/07/2013 21:49

Could you afford to put her in a private nursery for 1-2 days.

CreatureRetorts · 29/07/2013 21:50

What about checking for tongue tie? That will put babies off swallowing lumps. I do wonder if there is something up.

If not can you try getting her in a cot for the start of the night at least?

Anyway, can you get her to nap in a pushchair?

Liara · 29/07/2013 21:54

She's only 13 months. Repeat the mantra 'this too shall pass'

Some people seem to be naturals with babies. Others of us just have to endure the first few years so that we can have wonderful children.

It will pass. And sooner than you know it she will be a lovely bundle of laughs and you will even be willing to contemplate another.

Whereisegg · 29/07/2013 21:54

I think you need advice on the only napping on you, and only sleeping with you in her bed first and foremost.

If you literally never get a break from her then everything else seems soooo overwhelming.

I know from other threads on here that there are gentle ways to seperate yourself from your child at sleep times that don't involve cc, but don't know enough about them to advise myself, sorry.

mummytowillow · 29/07/2013 21:54

We've all been there and it's hard I know. My daughter went to nursery and wouldn't eat, she was absolutely fine!

Maybe try an afternoon?

littlewhitebag · 29/07/2013 21:54

Nursery is the answer. My DD1 was a bit of a challenge at that age and the bliss of sending her to nursery two days a week cannot be explained in mere words. You may find that she even starts eating other stuff in nursery when given to her by staff with no emotional investment in her. You can then have some sanity restoring time.

DD1 is now 20 (years) and is the best company and such fun but the early days were difficult.

Quangle · 29/07/2013 21:56

oh sorry xposted with you.

She sounds v challenging OP and it's no wonder you are wrung out. The wanting to walk thing when they can't is something I really found awful and physically very draining. And I remember those days of trying to get a child happy in this spot, then in that spot, then in the carseat, then in the bumbo, then in the highchair, then in the bouncer, while they moan and moan and moan and moan.

It's obviously nothing to do with you - but this might not help you in a sense. Your walking her round and round doesn't make her happier. It's not actually in your power to make her happier atm because she's in a frustrating phase and you can't get her out of it. Tough to hear as a mum when you are devoting your life to her and having quite a miserable time of it as a result. But we have our limits. We cannot make the world magically better for them - we do our very best and no more. Nursery sounds like a damn good idea to me. They will have seen it all before and they might even be able to help with the eating because they will not be so involved emotionally.

RiceBurner · 29/07/2013 21:57

YANBU. All kids are different and it can be really tough.

Agree you sound like you need a break if you can manage to work out how to get one. Even one hour away from your responsibilities/on your own might help? (Go out for a walk, a coffee?)

It's the lack of a break which can wear you down. So the more breaks you can wangle the better.

I could never have managed my 1st born without help/breaks. He wouldnt sleep more than 10 mins at a stretch, cried and cried and generally terrorised me! (Even both my DM and my MIL found him v difficult, which made me feel a bit better/less of a failure!)

My 1st born is now 23 and a v nice young man ..... living, working and enjoying his single life in a different country. And not terrorising anyone! (Who'd have thought?) I am very proud of him.

So plse don't imagine all mums sail through the early years. Some do, many don't. (I didn't!)

I was exhausted and depressed for at least 6 months after my 1st, & then I decided to get pregnant again, as I didnt want him to be an only child and I feared I would never have the courage to do it again if I waited. And somehow having a 2nd child helped! (Hormones? An early playmate for the 1st born so he would be less reliant on me for amusement?)

It was a bit mad to have a 2nd child when I wasnt doing too well with the 1st one, but we were too tired to be rational about the decision & luckily (somehow) it worked out fine.

We even had a 3rd child soon after the 2nd! (Then we stopped at 3.)

Now, when I look back at those busy, sleepless yrs, I think the 1st year was definitely the worst. (Such a change from being a free agent.)

So, acknowledge that it's v hard for you at the moment, that your child is not an easy child, (like some others are), & that your feelings are normal/valid.

It will hopefully get better soon. And one day, you will look back and be proud that you managed to struggle through it!

HTH

Lonelybunny · 29/07/2013 21:59

Sounds just like my DD , I find some days worse then others , but I make a rid for my own back as I feel guilty leaving her

maddening · 29/07/2013 21:59

have you spoken to the hv? Could be something as simple as reflux?

Lonelybunny · 29/07/2013 22:00

Sounds like the breastfeeding makes them like this as my dd is breastfed unlike my elder 2 and they were never this bad

Original poster

wearyandweepy · 29/07/2013 22:01

She used to nap in a pushchair, but only a moving one. Some says I'd walk ten miles during her nap. Now she hates the pushchair. I can't really afford nursery even if they would take her. I don't 'give in' to her whining as far as I can see, otherwise surely it'd stop at some point?? She wriggles to get down while I'm making breakfast for example, I put her down. She whinges because she wants me to walk with her. I walk with her to her toys. I go to bring breakfast, she whinges because I leave the room. I try to eat breakfast, she whinges to sit on my lap, if I let her she then whinges to get down - whatever I do, or don't do, the whinging is non-stop. She's been asleep next to me for 2 hours and my ears are actually ringing from it.

OP posts:

ringaringarosy · 29/07/2013 22:02

I am going to go against the grain and say that if she is whining to be picked up then you should pick her up.If she doesnt want to eat then dont worry,she wont starve herself,like someone else said put some food in front of her while shes eating and let her get on with it,or not!

I dont think seperation helps anything in these cases,and when it does its usually superficial,some kids are more needy than others,just go with the flow (if you can)and follow her lead,it wont be like this forever,she wont still be crying to be held 24/7 when shes 20.It will pass,trust me i have 5!some wanted to be held 24/7,in which case i co slept,used a sling etc,and others fed every 4 hours and slept through in their own cot at 6 months,it will be fine in the end.

Fourwillies · 29/07/2013 22:06

I think firstly you need a glass of wine.

You sound like you're trying very very hard, darling. All I can say (and this is going to come out as patronising and I don't mean it to) is that if she wasn't your first, you wouldn't put up with this nonsense. By the sounds of it you have a healthy baby who is also a trickster and it's just a matter of finding ways through that.
And if all she will eat is pudding, give it to her and cut yourself some slack! X

SamHamwidge · 29/07/2013 22:06

This probably sounds facetious but will she suck on a dummy to stop her whining? Sometimes you just need a break from the noise. I would have gone insane if not for dummies. Of course this advice may be useless if so apologies. This will pass but just trying to help out with the here and now. Also if more BF made life easier I would ignore the HV and go back to it.

Kat101 · 29/07/2013 22:07

Ds3 was like this, exactly. Same age, same behaviour. I got a part time job to get away from him 3 days a week, i put him in nursery and I really believe it saved me from depression. Only broke even as nursery cost so high, but it was worth it for some sanity.

He's nearly 3 now and much better. But it was a horrible time.

Original poster

wearyandweepy · 29/07/2013 22:07

I have an older child too Liara but find that makes this harder as she wasn't this bad though she was high maintenance compared to friends babies. I feel like I'm neglecting my elder dd as my youngest demands so much attention and I miss her desperately. She's been great with her sister and doesn't complain about her but I feel bad that I can't spend time with her without baby climbing all over me and whining.

OP posts:

ringaringarosy · 29/07/2013 22:07

i have a friend with a dd whos about 2 who sounds the same and i do sympathise,sometimes i just dont know what id do,sorry i know thats not much help!it could be an age thing too i guess.

Lonelybunny · 29/07/2013 22:08

Thing is sometimes the only way u can get sleep is when they co-sleep , I totally know where you are coming from OP , I'm in exactly the same boat as you , it's a phase that will pass , try taking her to the sure start centres which a lot are free to allow her to focus on other things if you can't afford nursery . It's very very draining , but you can't change a child at this age as they don't understand , we just need to be patient and feel flattered they love us so much :)

Fourwillies · 29/07/2013 22:08

Sorry, I'd assumed totally wrongly this was your first. Profuse apologies. And more wine.

Booboostoo · 29/07/2013 22:09

I feel for you. DD was a very needy baby and then a very needy toddler. It is only slightly better now that she is 26mo but it took a long while for things to look up.

Can you try some very immediate reward method for good behaviour like giving her stickers everytime she does something good? It's a cheap and quick reward and she might get the idea.

Nursery helped my DD a lot too. She only does for 2-3 hours, 2-3 times a week but that is enough to help. If that's not option for you could you try a mother and toddler group where you could encourage her to interact more with other children.

Another thing that helped with mine was to give her options and then stick to them, e.g. 'would you like to sit on the sofa or on your chair? No you cannot sit on mummy, you can chose to sit on the sofa or on your chair.' I appreciate she's a bit young for understanding but she may surprise you and she may feel happier if she has some control over some choices.

Sorry I can't help with the food issue other than to say keep trying loads of different ideas and hopefully something will take her fancy.

Cravingdairy · 29/07/2013 22:09

I would really consider nursery or a CM for a couple of days a week if you can afford it. Children do all sorts of things in childcare they won't do at home. It's no reflection on you, it's part of being in a totally different environment. Also at 13 months your baby won't come to harm from not eating much for a day. You are obviously under a lot of strain and need to meet your own needs too. It won't always be like this but in the mean time there is nothing wrong with getting a bit of help. Good luck.

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