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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want more acceptance for my ds

75 replies

Verycold · 28/07/2013 23:28

My ds is 7. He has a physical disability which is mild but which means he can't fully participate in children's active games. He has mild learning difficulties. He also struggles behaviour wise, his moods are very volatile, he can lash out physically at times when he is scared or unsure of the situation, and he is prone to screaming when he is frustrated. We work on all these things but it is hard. While he has all these difficulties they are all mild to moderate and not "in your face obvious" if you see what I mean.

We are currently visiting my home country for the summer. Ds struggles here more than at home because he only speaks the language a little bit. We have so far met up with two sets of friends (separately) and with my brother's family. I feel increasingly sad because all the children we have met up with have excluded ds and/or have been openly hostile to him. This has been the case in the past but until now I tried not to see it. But now I feel so sad, in particular because the adults seem to make no effort whatsoever to influence the way their children deal with ds. Trying to explain about ds difficulties. It feels like they think as well that ds is hard work and annoying (which he frequently is) so who can blame their children for not wanting to bother with him? But ds is also the sweetest most loving boy imaginable who so wants to belong. The one thing that keeps me going is seeing how his older sisters look out for him. But other than that, I feel so sad and like not wanting to come back.

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Original poster

Verycold · 28/07/2013 23:35

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Original poster

Verycold · 28/07/2013 23:40

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BlackeyedSusan · 28/07/2013 23:42

i is really had to see your child excluded. people who have not lived it do not understand. it is one of my fears that ds will be excluded too.

I get the hard work and annoying too. it is harder when they have difficulties, but it does not make them any less loved and valued, nor does it outweigh all the positives they bring either. it can be annoying when ds is refusing to speak but is growling, squeaking and screaming at me. that is not the sum of hium though. like your son there is so much more that others refuse to see and do not get past the superficial to see.

i can underrstand you not wanting to go back either.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/07/2013 23:44

(gosh it took me 7 minutes to type that.

bloody key board and fat fingers!

LadyMaryQuiteContrary · 28/07/2013 23:44

He sounds like a lovely boy. There will be a day where he'll find somewhere that he fits in, but in the mean time he has you and his sisters.

Sending you an unmusnetty hug.

Original poster

Verycold · 28/07/2013 23:46

Thank you. What makes it so hard is that the adults involved are people I like/love and have known for a long long time, and it hurts so much that they don't seem to care

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Beastofburden · 28/07/2013 23:49

I have two Dc with disabilities. It can be very hard to watch other children pull away as they all get older and more competent. The other kids get better as they get older again, assuming they are in a country where they are taught that they ought to be kind to kids with problems. But of course I don't know which country this is.

All I found worked was that I hosted nice things, so that the dc came as a package, with me. For instance, cooking. Offering to cook with all the kids meant that my dc were part of the the package and were included. Water play is another good one. So is making dens, camps, etc.

But at 7 you can't just leave them to play nicely and think they will include your ds. I'm afraid they won't. Having to join in with their blasted games, rather than sit with adults and chat while the kids amuse themselves is one of the many ways parenting kids with sen is harder work than parenting kids without.

When you get home, join the scouts. Being nice is part of the package there and he will get acceptance and friendship for years out of it.

Good luck with it all. I hope your do get a bit of holiday too.

NoComet · 28/07/2013 23:50

Hugs, I don't have any words of wisdom, except to say I'm sorry that the adults can't teach their DCs to behave better.

To a much lesser degree I know where you are coming from. My lovely sweet dyslexic DD1 doesn't quite fit in, she tends to be the one the other children leave out and the bullies pick on.

I've never seen any of the parents suggest their DCs are nicer to her. One absolute cow even suggested that as she was a bit odd it was fine for her nephew to kick her.

LadyMaryQuiteContrary · 28/07/2013 23:51

I think there's a difference between not caring and not understanding. We're a lot more sensitive to the needs of children with SN here compared with other places (we're not perfect, there's still so far to go).

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2013 23:51

Even with a child with no disabilities, it can be hard to see other people viewing them in a less than positive way because you value everything about them.

But to be in a place where such disrespectful and hurtful behaviour is so acceptable must be torture for you to watch.

Is it just sentimentality that's made you sad about not going back? Because I'd leave without a backward glance if people generally saw my DC as lower than shit because of something they were born with.

They should be at least try to be tolerant of your DSs behaviour, and intolerant of out and out hostility to a vulnerable child.

Beastofburden · 28/07/2013 23:53

The adults may not be uncaring. If this is a country where kids traditionally amuse themselves, and the adults have zero experience of kids with sen, they may think he is happy as things are. People say things like " let them sort it out themselves" not realising that sen kids just can't, they would always, always lose.

Talk to these adults, ask them to help, they are more likely clueless than uncaring. My PIL were clueless but not, in the end, uncaring, but had to have every little thing pointed out to them. They just had no radar at all.

Original poster

Verycold · 28/07/2013 23:54

Beast interesting what you say about joining in. The meet ups so far were specifically meant in a "let's catch up while the children play" way, with just me and the children as a guest. Really hard to then leave the table and join in with the kids. What gets to me is the adults' reaction. If one of mine treated another child like that I would be furious.

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sonlypuppyfat · 28/07/2013 23:54

We have boy a few doors away with learning difficulties he played computer games with my DS last summer, they are teenagers. My DH really tried to encourage it he had a disabled brother but my DS found him really hard work and not fun I know its really difficult but children want an easy life in general and like to be with kids on their level if that makes any sense.

Original poster

Verycold · 28/07/2013 23:57

Cross post sorry. It's not cluelessness I'm afraid. The adults always make a point of being particularly nice themselves to ds, out of guilt I think because of how their children behave.

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LadyMaryQuiteContrary · 28/07/2013 23:58

Maybe they are confused and don't know how to handle things? I'm not making excuses for them, I have a child with SN so I know how hard things can be.

Original poster

Verycold · 28/07/2013 23:59

I don't get it though. If my dds acted like this I would take them aside and have very stern words. Not hard surely?

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AudrinaAdare · 28/07/2013 23:59

YANBU. Having a child like your DS can be extremely isolating and I have lived in the same town all my life. My friends now tend to be those with similar children and even then, they have one of their nights, or days, and things need to be rearranged or we simply forget or are too stressed to meet up. I am not sociable so it doesn't bother me too much but I can see how awful it must be if you are

Beastofburden · 29/07/2013 00:01

It is hard but those adults are used to saying, oh they will be fine, let them sort out their difficulties themselves, because they are ot used to one kid being at a big disadvantage.

Get down from the table, say, I would love to talk but I need to play with the kids because they are being so brutal to my ds, sorry. It may shame them into taking turns.

Have you had an honest talk about things with a couple of key adults who can then set the tone with the others? Even if social norms differ, there is no country where nobody is born disabled, they will have some experience of it. Pick a couple of "leaders" among the adults, open your heart and then let them talk to the others about it.

But the format is a disaster for sen kids, it will absolutely have to be adapted. One parent needs to be on duty at all times to entertain, help, translate, persuade everyone to play nicely.

The other kids have even less clue than the adults, to them he is someone who can't talk properly and won't play anything right. They don't really get that he isn't fluent or has problems. They need to be shown how to include him.

Original poster

Verycold · 29/07/2013 00:04

You speak a lot of sense beast. Having a good old cry here

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NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 29/07/2013 00:09

Can I ask which country you're in OP? I do think it's poor on the part of the adults not to help their children to understand your DS more. It's highly important to help kids to learn about and to understand differing needs....my children have always been around people with physical and educational needs which differ from theirs and they're used to tailoring their play...but I suppose if the adults have not spent much time with people who have disability then they're not going to be very helpful...can you just be honest? Ask the adults to encourage more patience in their DC?

Original poster

Verycold · 29/07/2013 00:10

Germany.

I have thought about saying something but worry I would just blub

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Beastofburden · 29/07/2013 00:11

Hugs. My dc are now 21, 19 and 17 and it can be a long old road but happiness definitely awaits him. People will love him as you do and he will not be lonely and vulnerable.

Join the scouts. DD is now a guide leader and I do not know what I would have done without those years. Join Parasol, and he will get to go to social clubs with other kids on his wavelength. Do not rule out a really good sen school if that is where he will have true friends and a curriculum that is about his needs.

Tell the adults how you feel. Kids, meh, they are being revolting little rat bags but this is normal. They would probably peck any incomers to death, sen or no sen, just for being rich bastard foreigners and not knowing the local primary school gossip. Focus on the adults you love, and tell them how badly they have upset you.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 29/07/2013 00:12

Also what helped me to understand when I first encountered DC with additional needs was their parents explaining the issues to me very clearly. When my DD began school (tiny private one) there was a child with quite complex needs including Autism and her Mum explained very clearly to me the issues the child faced..."She has a hard time with loud or sudden noises and she has poor peripheral vision which means she sometimes lashes out if she's afraid as it makes her feel vulnerable..." I could then tell my own DD why X behaved in a certain way at times...

Beastofburden · 29/07/2013 00:13

Blub. Why not. Even better, email them a link to this, if they speak English.

And Germans ought to know better, I used to work at a Steiner home for adult disabled in Altheim. Definitely get down from the table and say why.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 29/07/2013 00:16

Beast I agree...it seems odd as Germany does have some good educational records but having said that, my cousin had a baby with Down's Syndrome and they hot footed it back to the UK as they felt there was NO support or decent understanding there.

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