To want more acceptance for my ds

[Verycold]

My ds is 7. He has a physical disability which is mild but which means he can't fully participate in children's active games. He has mild learning difficulties. He also struggles behaviour wise, his moods are very volatile, he can lash out physically at times when he is scared or unsure of the situation, and he is prone to screaming when he is frustrated. We work on all these things but it is hard. While he has all these difficulties they are all mild to moderate and not "in your face obvious" if you see what I mean.

We are currently visiting my home country for the summer. Ds struggles here more than at home because he only speaks the language a little bit. We have so far met up with two sets of friends (separately) and with my brother's family. I feel increasingly sad because all the children we have met up with have excluded ds and/or have been openly hostile to him. This has been the case in the past but until now I tried not to see it. But now I feel so sad, in particular because the adults seem to make no effort whatsoever to influence the way their children deal with ds. Trying to explain about ds difficulties. It feels like they think as well that ds is hard work and annoying (which he frequently is) so who can blame their children for not wanting to bother with him? But ds is also the sweetest most loving boy imaginable who so wants to belong. The one thing that keeps me going is seeing how his older sisters look out for him. But other than that, I feel so sad and like not wanting to come back.

Will try and get some sleep now but just wanted to reiterate how proud I am of my dd's for looking out for ds. Just needed to say that

Sleep well.

Morning!

It's definitely tempting to just think "sod you world" and withdraw from people...

We found that the hardest time for this was between the ages of about 6 and 11. Before 6, children played with DS2 regardless. Now that he is 11, his peers are more mature and therefore more tolerant, and he is about to start at a school with a high proportion of boys with similar needs. It is heartbreaking, but it doesn't last forever.

Honey, by all means visit your home country, but why not explore it a bit, as a family unit next time, taking your DS to somewhere he's going to ( treated like that is unfair on all of you.

If you have anymore arrangements with these people, cancel them and do something else. TELL them why too: their DC treated your DS appallingly and nothing was done about it.

You don't need these people in your lives, they are no loss. Perhaps your telling them this will make them step up.. saying nothing won't.

(((hug)))

Young children generally want an easy life and if another DC is "hard work" they often won't bother with him/her. Fortunately they usually get better and most are happy to try to include everyone as they get older.

Organised activities, like clubs and scouts etc, have leaders who will try to ensure all children are included as others have said. Other children who attend such clubs will learn that they have to include everyone.

My DCs had not very well controlled asthma when they were young and were sometimes left out of boisterous games by their friends. They weren't particularly interested in sport so weren't that bothered. There were plenty of other things they could do.

It's sad that the other adults didn't notice the unconscious cruelty of their children.

The thing is I'm 99% certain they did notice but chose not to act on it

Yes, because they are lazy, not thinking, and underestimated what was going on, as they are not used to sen kids. Not because they don't love you. This is entirely normal. You will have to house train them. We all have to do it with the extended family, they are usually clueless.

Tell them how it made you feel, you need the apology and the reassurance of seeing them feel guilty and showing you that they do care and do love you.

I will have to be brave won't I?

Sorry you are experiencing this. Please don't get too down about it. For what its worth, I find the culture here very strange around children. A gang of German 7 yr olds IME don't take long to descend into lord of the flies scenario! Parents do not intervene or stop fights and bullying is seen by a lot of people as strength of character and not a bad thing. This is of course not true of everyone and we do have some friends who reject this and focus on emotional intelligence and give and take thank goodness. But I watch my DS 3 like a hawk around strange kids because he's been attacked out of nowhere a couple of times just because he doesn't yet speak German. Like other posters have mentioned, I think its a bad age to work with and that once they get a bit older there will be a lot more empathy and understanding. I'm sure cubs and scouts will welcome your DS with open arms. Good luck x

Are you sure that youre not projecting how you think he should want to play, onto your ds?

If hes getting angry and lashing out or screaming, then he may not be enjoying it as much as you might think,

Watching and enjoying watching them, doesnt necessarily mean he wants to be part of it, or can cope with the reality of it

no, you dont have to be brave.

The other parents may have noticed, but may think that you strongly prefer DS to be treated exactly the same your other kids. Some parents do feel this. They may be saying, well, its probably OK, or she would say something, and waiting for a steer from you. So saying something is not going to provoke the reaction you think.

ring up the next set you are due to visit. ask them to have a quiet word with their kids beforehand. explain that you dont like to intervene in front of other kids' parents but that ds does need them to be considerate- could they explain a bit before you get there so it is a bit easier?

they will fall over themselves to get it right, you'll see.

and agree with other poster that he might prefer just to sit on your lap anyway- but you know him better than we do.

I think the other parents may be looking to you for as cue as to how to respond/react.

If they don't have much experience of children with SN, then they may not want to look like they're patronising you/your son by stepping in.

I think the suggestion made up thread about you modelling how you expect the situation to look will be a great help to all involved.

Ds is definitely desperate to be part of things. Really good advice everyone thank you. Will still have to deal with my feelings around it though. Interesting to read other people's experiences with Germany!

Thank goodness for sensible beast.She is helping you with this.Hugs from a stranger.

How much of an explanation have you given the other children?

If your ds does things like lash out or scream, then the usual advice we would give our dc would be to walk away, tell and adult and/or find someone else to play with: do they understand why this situation is different?

Ime most children are very tolerant if a situation is explained, but they also have a strong sense of justice and expect others to be treated in the same way as they would themselves.

How much have you spoken to the adults and asked them to explain?

I feel it is not my place to nstruct other people's children, shouldn't't the parents do that?

But the parents probably need some help from you about the best way to do it. Have you spoken to the parents about your son's SN? Have you told them that it is ok for them to tell their children? Some parents are terribly protective of their children's privacy and don't want other children told. The downside of that is that they then have to accept that the children will go on treating them as if the SN wasn't there.

I have experienced this from two sides. Have own dd with physical disability and had closer relative with behaviour issues. But also a ds who was hurt by another child for reasons he could not understand and was very frightened.

Classic example today, ds exhausted after a busy day with his cousins, resulting in lots of screaming and physical lashing out. Not nice admittedly, but my own mother sighs about it and is fed up as if anyone was happy about it and as if ds could just choose not to be like it if he wanted to!

Not sure if I'm being deluded but feel currently very homesick for the UK where ds seems to meet with more kindness.

Did you try telling them what to expect before you went? How did they respond?

I could have written your OP about my DS2. Each of his issues (except one) is relatively mild but they all build up to create big challenges for him. My DM and DMiL pass comments like 'Well, you have a tiger by the tail there!' and 'You/your DH never did anything like that!'

I think the advice you have had here is great; I would mention something to the other parents. It's sad for you not to feel comfortable there but you know that you do feel he's better understood here so stay counting those days down I would.

Must confess I didn't lots going on in my family at the mo so couldn't face adding to it