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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I've utterly failed my daughter?

76 replies

EveryNameITryIsAlreadyInUse · 28/07/2013 23:24

For 17 years I've done the very best I can for her. She has been really hard work and despite my efforts she's always seemed so unhappy.

Now I have a new baby of 6 months. I love him so much. My heart melts just thinking about his precious little smile. The feelings I have for him are overwealming. I never thought it was possible to love another person so much.

What terrifies me though is that I now see that I've never had these feelings for my daughter. :( I feel like the worst parent in the world just writing that. I do love and care for her but there's something missing and I think it's always been missing. I just didn't realise it until now. For 17 years I've been going through the motions, telling her I love her, but I see now that my heart wasn't in it. No wonder she's been so unhappy.

When I was pregnant with her my now ex husband turned extremely violent. It took me 2 years to escape. During that time I think a part of me shut down in order to survive. I had treatment for PTSD a few years ago and counselling throughout this pregnancy because of the wounds that were being opened up. I think all of that, plus being in a loving relationship, has meant that I have been able to bond with this baby in a way I didn't even know was possible with my daughter.

I wish I could go back and start again with her. :(

OP posts:

ChippingInHopHopHop · 28/07/2013 23:32

I don't think you have failed her. I think that she was born, and brought up, in a difficult situation and that you did your best.

Are you able to spend time with her now while DH has DS? Make a lot of the fact that she will always be your daughter, your first born.

Mother/daughter relationships can be very hard - we don't all have that easy going, cosy relationship portrayed in Hallmark films. My Mum over compensates for her less than ideal childhood and it's smothering which makes me then put even more distance between us - even though I try not to. It's hard - don't beat yourself up, just do what you can to repair it and build a relationship with her, whist bearing in mind that being 17 she might not want to know right now!

valiumredhead · 28/07/2013 23:33

Is there any way your dd would ever see this post? Please make sure your computer isn't accessible.

You poor thing do you think counselling would help? It might help sort out all these emotions so you can move on x

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2013 23:33

Awww, don't be thinking like that.

You can't say your love for one child is wrong just because your love for another child is different.

What's your relationship like with her now?

I had a close bond with my mum growing up, but from 14 to mid 20's 18 I was an unhappy, angry, aggressive, violent, fucked up twat.

But it passed, in time.

Don't blame yourself, hopefully she'll come through it and you'll see you've done a fucking grand job of producing a stable, content and successful young woman

valiumredhead · 28/07/2013 23:34

More counselling I mean.

BridgetBidet · 28/07/2013 23:36

Um, I kind of want to say something nice but I grew up with a mother like you and it destroyed me. I am still picking up the pieces now at the age of 34. She didn't choose to be born, you shouldn't have had her if you weren't in a situation where you could give her a stable home and you didn't really, really want her the way you do your son.

I am sure that more people will come along and say 'poor you'. But you were irresponsible bringing your daughter into a violent situation when you didn't really want her.

Mollie272 · 28/07/2013 23:39

Bridget - totally unnecessary and unhelpful

pictish · 28/07/2013 23:40

I feel so badly for you OP.
I say fake it till you make it personally. Start giving her your very best and in turn it will become natural. If you didn't love her, you wouldn't be feeling so sad.
You can't start anew, but you can start afresh.

Look into some couselling too, you could use some support on this.

I wish you all the very best. xxx

BridgetBidet · 28/07/2013 23:46

Mollie, it might be unhelpful but it's probably true. I bet this poor girl has known this all her life.

Fairyegg · 28/07/2013 23:46

You have done your best In bad circumstances, sadly sometimes that is all you can do. I'm guessing you were quite young when you had her? I Imagine many parents have a totally different parenting experience bringing up a child in their late teens / early 20s compared to 30's for example. Not always better / worse, just different due to circumstances. Try not to compare and continue to tell her you love her.

hadababygirl · 28/07/2013 23:47

I have to agree with Bridget, I'm sorry. I don't like saying it but it is true.

Mabelface · 28/07/2013 23:51

Bridget, read the op again. he became violent once she was pregnant.

to the op, I dont think you have loved her less, more like you can relax and enjoy your baby because you're not living in a potentially violent atmosphere. x

Mollie272 · 28/07/2013 23:56

Bridget - the op states that her ExH became violent after she became pregnant. You make a lot of assumptions.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 28/07/2013 23:56

OP I wonder if your feelings now are just nothing like they were with DD because you're happy now...and you weren't then. I bet, if you look back that you did have strong feelings of love for DD...it just wasn't perfect like it is now.

thebody · 28/07/2013 23:57

I don't think you are seeing things right op.

a new baby in a relaxed loving environment is easy to 'love' or its just you are happier and calmer.

I am dam sure toy did love your dd just as much but your environment was difficult.

you are where you are now and you need to talk to your dd as much as possible, ( sure you do) a touch, a hug, Gorky time together, why is she sad? talk to her and ask her how she feels about her childhood.

good luck.

CecilyP · 28/07/2013 23:58

Bridget you have just made an assumption that OP is a mother like yours; you have no idea if it is true. OP did not know that her husband would turn violent until she was pregnant, so then what was she supposed to do? Perhaps she could have got away sooner, or perhaps she hoped he would change or perhaps it was easier said than done. Anyway, she did the best she could in bringing up her DD on her own for the past 15 years.

OP, I don't think you have done anything wrong. You have loved and cared for your DD even if you didn't feel the overwhelming love that you now feel for your DS. Is part of the problem that you can't believe that it was possible to feel as happy as you do now? Enjoy your baby and your new life but also try and make time to spend with your eldest child. I doubt if you are to blame for her not seeming to be a happy person - many teenagers are rather angst-ridden even when they have had a really good start in life.

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2013 23:59

Oh yes, much better the DD wasn't fucking born at all Bridget

Certainly would have sorted the problem the OP has now.

I bet your kicking yourself you didn't know Bridget when you found out you were pregnant eh OP?

DoveDovePigeon · 29/07/2013 00:00

How is saying that in anyway helpful? Stop taking your personal situation out on the OP.

AgentZigzag · 29/07/2013 00:07

And I think it's pretty normal to concern yourself with how differently you love each of your children, making sure one's not being treated favorably over another.

But there's a lot of time between your two DC OP, and you don't feel the same about an older child as you do about a baby. DD1 is 9 years older than DD2 and I do parent them differently, for one thing it'd be totally unacceptable for me to baby DD1 as I do DD2 (although I do threaten it as punishment ).

And that difference can make it difficult to make sure you're not favoring one. I'll tell DD1 off differently to DD2, and DD1 obviously notices that, but I've explained it so she knows it's because of the different expectations rather than because I love DD2 more.

Moxiegirl · 29/07/2013 00:12

The overwhelming love for a baby is a different type of love (in my experience) to when they are older. Maybe you are comparing your love for them both as it is now?
One day your little baby will be a teen and your love for them both will probably seem more balanced.
I feel the same btw, I do understand.

Pickle131 · 29/07/2013 00:13

OP I can identify with most of what you're saying. My son from my first marriage is 13 now and I have a 7 month old son I am completely besotted with. It makes me sad to look back at photos of my firstborn, and know how very differently I felt. I put it down to PTSD from a birth trauma and a relationship breakdown.
I think that all you can do now is look forward and make sure you tell her how much you love her at every opportunity. Even if it doesn't come naturally. I'm actually shocked by how different my feelings have been. I do think though that if I had DS1 now, with the benefit of wisdom, years, and being in a happy secure place now, I could feel the same for him as I do for DS2. Let's hope our feelings for the new babies survive toddlerhood, that's another thought that scares me!

Pickle131 · 29/07/2013 00:14

Ah, what Moxiegirl said is reassuring

fabergeegg · 29/07/2013 00:34

So what? You know better now. Your son's birth has shown you what real love feels like from the inside. But because you love, in a motherly love sense, your children exactly the same, it's actually a bonus for your daughter. You're going to use the information you get at a result of this experience into making new ways of reaching your daughter. Look at these feelings and connection with the baby and put your back into making that happen in your time with her too. If you really are shocked and a bit heart broken that you've let her down so badly, that could possibly be a good thing, because it means you do love her deeply, no matter what you think.

MamaChubbyLegs · 29/07/2013 00:35

Bridget, I don't know if you have been in a violent relationship. Maybe you have, and you found it easy to leave. I found it easy to leave mine... but not everyone is the same.

OP, it was an awful situation you were in. You can't be blamed for not bonding with your daughter in the same way. How are you supposed to when you have that kind of terror hanging over you? Of course you didn't have the same experience with her as a baby. But you do have the rest of her life. What happened, you can't change, but you can still carry on trying your best and work on your relationship with her now.

I didn't have a great relationship with my parents as a child. Not for the same reasons, but because sometimes that's just how things are We do have a good relationship now though.

YANBU to believe that you have failed her, but you haven't. You haven't given up on her, have you? The only person who failed her was her father, when he put both of you through what he did

MamaChubbyLegs · 29/07/2013 00:36

What fabergeegg said is lovely... and true

AgentZigzag · 29/07/2013 00:40

'If you really are shocked and a bit heart broken that you've let her down so badly, that could possibly be a good thing, because it means you do love her deeply, no matter what you think.'

So true, if the OP was indifferent to her DD or didn't give a flying fuck about her, there's no way she'd write such an emotional OP.

OP cares that she thinks she doesn't love her.

She wouldn't if she didn't.

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