For 17 years I've done the very best I can for her. She has been really hard work and despite my efforts she's always seemed so unhappy.
Now I have a new baby of 6 months. I love him so much. My heart melts just thinking about his precious little smile. The feelings I have for him are overwealming. I never thought it was possible to love another person so much.
What terrifies me though is that I now see that I've never had these feelings for my daughter. :( I feel like the worst parent in the world just writing that. I do love and care for her but there's something missing and I think it's always been missing. I just didn't realise it until now. For 17 years I've been going through the motions, telling her I love her, but I see now that my heart wasn't in it. No wonder she's been so unhappy.
When I was pregnant with her my now ex husband turned extremely violent. It took me 2 years to escape. During that time I think a part of me shut down in order to survive. I had treatment for PTSD a few years ago and counselling throughout this pregnancy because of the wounds that were being opened up. I think all of that, plus being in a loving relationship, has meant that I have been able to bond with this baby in a way I didn't even know was possible with my daughter.
I wish I could go back and start again with her. :(