to think I've utterly failed my daughter?

[EveryNameITryIsAlreadyInUse]

For 17 years I've done the very best I can for her. She has been really hard work and despite my efforts she's always seemed so unhappy.

Now I have a new baby of 6 months. I love him so much. My heart melts just thinking about his precious little smile. The feelings I have for him are overwealming. I never thought it was possible to love another person so much.

What terrifies me though is that I now see that I've never had these feelings for my daughter. :( I feel like the worst parent in the world just writing that. I do love and care for her but there's something missing and I think it's always been missing. I just didn't realise it until now. For 17 years I've been going through the motions, telling her I love her, but I see now that my heart wasn't in it. No wonder she's been so unhappy.

When I was pregnant with her my now ex husband turned extremely violent. It took me 2 years to escape. During that time I think a part of me shut down in order to survive. I had treatment for PTSD a few years ago and counselling throughout this pregnancy because of the wounds that were being opened up. I think all of that, plus being in a loving relationship, has meant that I have been able to bond with this baby in a way I didn't even know was possible with my daughter.

I wish I could go back and start again with her. :(

I don't really think you should all be giving a kicking to Bridget

A little bit of empathy for the daughter's experience would also be helpful, not just telling the OP not to worry, you're sure she did a wonderful job, it's just a normal mother/daughter dynamic

If that were true do you really think the OP would be posting this here?

The reality is that the OP probably does have a very hurt, very angry daughter and any amount of platitudes are not going to make this situation better for either of them.

OP, I know you had counselling during your pregnancy with your son.... would it be possible to perhaps have some joint counselling with your daughter? Do you feel she may agree to go with you? I truly hope you get the support you need but to heal this relationship I imagine a lot of listening to your daughter's feelings will need to take place and that won't be easy for you [or her].

I wish you both all the best.

I agree with joint counselling too, you need to work through this together, not give up because you have the perfect relationship with your ds. Bridget was unessarily harsh. You are dd is your dd for life you need to move forward, te first step is to get professional help

I think you're being far to hard on yourself.

I completely agree with moxiegirl that as DS grows you will realise that your love for your children is far more balanced than you're giving yourself credit for.

She is probably picking up on your vibes, and feels left out and on the side

I think you do love her, you just love her differently from the way you love your DS.

Everything is different for you now. You are older, in a more settled and secure place in your life. You therefore have more of you able to give love to your son.

When you had your daughter you gave her what you had available then. Also she is a constant reminder of your ex which would be hard for anyone. I suspect she realises this.

It is not too late to rectify things and find ways to continue loving her as an adult. The mother daughter relationship changes as you get older anyway.

My mum always favoured my brother when we were growing up and we didn't have a great relationship. As adults however, we get on very well.

Agree with nutcracker and, to an extent, bridget.
Just because someone is upset, doesn't mean that everyone should pile in telling OP that there isn't a problem, she didn't do anything wrong etc.

It's actually more likely that OP could get a true insight into how her DD is feeling, and thus how to resolve the problem, by listening to posters who went through something similar with their own mothers.

Your son's birth has shown you what real love feels like from the inside. But because you love, in a motherly love sense, your children exactly the same, it's actually a bonus for your daughter. You're going to use the information you get at a result of this experience into making new ways of reaching your daughter.

What Faberge said. Brilliant. I think you can use this new love and send some of it your daughter's way. It's fine to love different children in different ways - it happens so it must be!

Hi

My mother didn't love me. It was palpable. I was well cared for and well provided for, but she didn't love me and she admitted this to my brother a couple of years ago.

From her behaviour, what she said to my brother and what she has said to me over the years, it was clear that she blamed me for being 'unloveable' for the fact that she didn't love me - when in fact, I think she was probably going through some stuff that meant she never bonded with me. Unfortunately, she has spent my whole life martyring herself by making 'sacrifices' (caring for) a child she felt didn't deserve it and has punished me for the fact she had no choice but to do so.

So anyway, my point is that I cut contact with her last year for a number of reasons. I was 37 at the time. Throughout my adult life I have tried to build some sort of relationship with her, create a closeness, develop a bond, whatever and she refused and rejected every effort I made.

I too was an incredibly unhappy child/teenager/young adult/adult and would have appreciated my mother's love/efforts at any stage of my life.

It's not too late for you or your daughter.

Look forwards!

Yes you had a tricky number of years but you have a whole future a head of you. Decide to build a positive future.

I know this sounds daft but behave like you feel the same strong emotions for your DD. Eventually these feelings will become a reality ( they did with me). I think the key is in non verbal communication - so cuddles, shoulder touches, loving looks, looking interested, believing that she is amazing.

Also thank her and show appreciation for small things. Find a common hobby that you can do together. Tell her you want to make your relationship better and ask her what you can do to make this possible.

I also recon your new love will roll in your DDs direction. You are in a great place now and you can help her feel more centered and loved.

Great post fabergee

The only thing to add is I think wishing you could go back and 're-live' some bits of life is a perfectly normal feeling, and to some extent is shared by all parents. I certainly felt with dc2 , on occasions, that I was making a better job of parenting than I had with dc1. I'm sure that's a normal part of growing and learning through experience. The Main thing is to keep looking forward and not allow the feeling to drag you down and feel you have failed completely

Parenting is not black and white- it's not that your dd has has a terrible life and your ds will have a perfect one.
Also, your ds is just a baby, it's easier to feel unconditional love when they're tiny. But he will grow into his own person who at times will frustrate and upset you. Not saying that in a negative way: just to try to help you see that life is shades of grey, and that you shouldn't fixate on your feelings about your dd being totally negative and those for your ds being totally positive. Your dd has undoubtedly been brought up in far more difficult circumstances , but try to hold onto the fact that parenting is long haul, and in the Long term this may even turn out to instil positive qualities in her. Sometimes having an easier early life doesn't necessarily mean life will always be a bed of roses either.

I understand in a lot of ways - had my first child in a terribly wrong, abusive relationship when I was mentally unwell too and a lot of her life was blighted by my drinking and poor behaviour. She is now an adult and we have worked through this - it doesn't make what happened go away of course, but she and I understand each other and she has managed to forgive me (forgiving myself is a lot lot harder still :() I have 2 more dc with my wonderful dh of 15 years now, and I know that, in particular, dd2 is getting so much more from me than dd1 did. It's really sad but you will make it right - and things will turn out fine. Promise.

I don't think you are reading your feelings properly op. no doubt you lved your dd just as much but in a horrid turbulent relationship you were probobly clinging onto everything while you sorted your life out. As others have said hide this on our computer. Bridget may be right, however I doubt it. Put these feelings away darling and concentrate on making sure she knows how you lover her.

I agree both with faberge and with nutcracker.

While you are clearly upset about this, OP, which does suggest you love your daughter, and I'm sure you gave her whatever you could while she was growing up, I do think it's important that we are not only reassuring in response to your post, but also gently remind you of what your daughter has likely been and is still going through, in order to encourage you to start repairing that damage now. Agree with joint counselling/family therapy - I would get that sorted as an absolute priority. Try and look at and respond to your daughter with great positivity and admiration, no matter how much 'hard work' she has been or is. Go back through baby photos, remember happy moments with her. Make time for her alone if you can (not easy with such a young baby, I know).

These insights are tremendously important for the future course of your dd's life and your relationship with her. You have no time to lose. Good luck.

Good post from faberge. I think you need to see this as an opportunity.

What's done is done and no one can change the past. Acknowledging your failings and your DD's pain is a vital first step. Dwelling on it is a further form of selfish indulgence, as it makes it about how bad you feel rather than your DD. Make it about what you can do for your DD in the future instead. That's something that could make a tangible difference to your relationship with her.

I'd recommend counselling. I think your DD will know on an almost instinctive level that you feel differently about your DS than you did her. I think denying that is a further slap in the face; you need to acknowledge it. However, unless you word it in the right way and are able to explain it properly, you could do an awful lot of harm. You need to be very, very clear about it and to that end I think counselling would help. Possibly consider family counselling when you're a little further down the line with it.

I think you were brave to come on here and write this post. That's a really encouraging sign. With that level of self insight and personal responsibility you can really turn this around. Good luck.

See all this is very lovely and supportive to the OP and I do admire her for writing this post and being so honest.

The key is what happens now. You may still have time to rescue your relationship with your DD, you may not.

I think it's completely unfair to give Bridget a kicking for simply putting forward another pov. I am less loved than my brother and it absolutely enrages me. It makes me want to scream and shout 'it's not fair'. It means that I have little relationship with my brother. It means I'm jealous of my own DS, because my mother is actually a fantastic grandmother. It has had a massive impact on my life.

So flame me to fuck if you like, I don't care. It can't hurt me more than my mother already has. But OP needs to take action and sort it out. While also accepting that her DD may tell her to fuck off and she may have missed her chance.

It was Bridget saying the OP shouldn't have had her DD if her situation was less than perfect that got to me Wilson, not that she'd put over a different POV.

Horrible thing to say.

('Horrible thing to say.' What Bridget said, not what you said Wilson)

It was a horrible thing to say, but Bridget also clearly said she had been in a similar situation. I think if we can find compassion for the OP we can also find compassion for Bridget, no?

It's a horrible thing to say, but it's much more horrible to be the child who 'shouldn't have been had.' My DM shouldn't have had me because she didn't really want me and 40-odd years later she still doesn't really.

It's her age too, take it into account. She is still growing up with all the pressures of peers, school and career ahead. I bet in a few years, especially when she becomes a mom herself you will be the best of mates.

I think it's possible to acknowledge the pain and betrayal to a child who isn't loved as they should be without saying "well you shouldn't have had her." It's not as if the OP's DD can be magicked out of existence.

The past can't be changed. It's the future that needs to be worked on. Part of that is owning what's happened in the past - accepting responsibility for it and recognising the impact it's had on the victim. The OP has done just that.

Dunno, it seems different to say 'I wish I'd never been born' (sad, but your prerogative), than to suggest someone else should have terminated their baby 17 years after the event.

It's a harsh judgement to make of someone elses circumstances, and I'm sure (hope) the OPs DD would rather be alive and living than have never existed at all.

You are human OP - you had an enormous amount to cope with when she was little and you did your best. I bet you were (and are) a much better mother to her than you realise.

And now you are happier and that makes loving and parenthood generally so much easier. Use some of this extra capacity to reconnect with her - why not try to talk to her about how you realise things could have been better (without of course comparing your love for her and the new baby...). You sound compassionate and thoughtful and I bet you can repair some of the wrong you feel was done.

God, if you want toxic mothers - my mother said to me when I was pregnant with all three of mine variations of 'I'll pay for a private abortion if you like' 'Oh good god, what are you having another one for' and 'well this one will have down syndrome at your age', interspersed with 'You are so lucky you can get abortions nowadays, you and you sister wouldn't be here if I could have' That's shit parenting!

CBT counselling helped me move on. I would recommend getting this - my GP referred me. I would absolutely not go for family therapy at this stage. The last thing your daughter needs is to hear your feelings and struggles given voice. She just needs you to take steps towards being affectionate now. Then see what your own therapies says about involving your daughter who, right now, probably doesn't think you don't love her, just that you could be closer.