Was this really inconsiderate?

[RantyMcRantpants]

We've just come back to the UK for a holiday. We spent a few days at my FILs house and then a week at my Mum and Dads.

During that week we've been out and about meeting and catching up with friends and so have been out a lot. The washing machine has been on every day at Mums insistence and as I've been out she's done my ironing. I would have quite happily done it when I could fit it in.

Every morning they've been up 'looking' after the three kids. They didn't have to, the kids are quite happy to get their own breakfast bars and juice and play quietly. One gets up around 7am, the other 8am and the third we usually wake when we get up. I haven't asked them to so any of this and they have made no comment. We've been waking at any where between 8am and 9am.

We are of for a week to see other relatives and got up this morning and got ready quietly and left early, leaving them to sleep so we could get on the road as it is going to be a 6-7 hour journey. We got about 3/4 hour away and I had a face book message to return immediately as mum is having a panic attack because we had left with out saying goodbye. When I phoned to say where we were I got a mouthful to say how inconsiderate we were to leave with out saying goodbye and they had looked after our kids for us and ironed and done all sorts for us.

We've eaten out most days and I've done a top up shop for them. I got them an orchid and wine to say thank you.

We've just had to drive 3/4 of an hour back to say goodbye. I was going to ring when we stopped and when we got there. We will see them in a weeks time.

We're we inconsiderate?

[HorryIsUpduffed]

I was first to reply and have now caught up.

I can see why you wouldn't have wanted to wake them, and why they expected you would.

We once left my grandpa's house at 5am to catch a flight. There was absolutely no way we wanted to wake him, or that he wanted to be woken at that time either!

Anyway, you'll know for next time.

[CinnabarRed]

I'm really sorry that the experience left your children in tears - that's really sad.

[cheeseandpineapple]

Your mum sounds like a drama queen OP. I don't think you did anything wrong but unfortunately when you're living overseas and home for a short while, it's hard to keep everyone happy. My MIL gave me a hard time once for what she perceived to be us taking them for granted on one of our trips whereas my mum is very easy going and completely supportive of us coming and going when we visit. It's put me off staying with my inlaws and I spend most of my trips home at my parents place.

To guilt you into going home after you've set off when she's going to see you in a week sounds bonkers.

Unfortunately for her, as she's being so churlish, in future you're less likely to stay with her if she's going to make you feel so crap about it. Which means she'll see less of you and the grand kids.

Curious to know what people leave for presents, that they think orchid and wine is so lowly. Am guessing this was just an interim thanks as you're seeing them again in a week. I'd be v happy with orchid and wine as a gesture of thanks.

[dubstarr73]

I think i get the jist,you went home to your parents,they got up wiht the kids.Done ironing that wasnt asked of them.You ate out most days,done them a shop before you left.And because you didnt wake them yabu.

Well i dont think you are but to ask you to turn around and upset 3 kids is worse in my book.
You are going back there id leave especially early and wake them up to be spiteful,see what they say to that

[ENormaSnob]

Oh fgs your mum sounds bloody hard work.

You said goodbye and thank you last night
Left gifts
Did a top up shop yesterday
Didnt ask for childcare/ironing in the first place

And are returning in a week.

Get a hotel next time, it,ll be easier.

[onenutshortofasnickers]

What's wrong with an orchid and i wine?

You should never be ungrateful for any gift, it is the thought that counts.

If I was having guests I wouldn't expect a top up shop unless they lived with me, even if they are my children. They are my guests.

I think maybe don't let your parents 'get up' with the kids or do your washing and ironing in the future and really not let them do it, as if they are drama-llamas they will throw it back at you whatever you do.

I think for such a long journey leaving early is more logical for everyone, especially as it had been made clear to them, and not waking then is considerate and not rude, leaving a note would have been what I would have done, especially as I would be seeing them in a week!

But that's just my opinion, so I don't think op is being ur. Your mum was for making you drive back and having a 'panic attack'.

I wouldn't want to be woken up, I would be fine with no gidts and having just be told a heartfelt thank you- what's wrong with saying thank you and meaning it?!

[Crinkle77]

YANBU as your intentions were good. You thought you were being considerate by not waking them. I probably would have left a note at the very least. YABU though for driving back when you were 45 minutes away. I can't believe that your mother thought it was acceptable to make your trip 1 1/2 hours longer just to say goodbye.

[Crinkle77]

sorry just realised you did leave a note

[Goooooooooooooooooooooood]

I still can't imagine the conversation between you and your DH in the car where you decide that you should turn around and drive back to say goodbye. It sounds really nuts!!! And very, very unreasonable. My DH would have laughed and carried on driving away as fast as possible.

Otherwise I still don't think you were unreasonable to leave without saying goodbye in the morning.

[LostLion]

your mother was OTT and dramatic....you sound like a good and thoughtful guest IMO and your all going to be back in a week. I would say sorry that she was upset but not lay it on too thick.

[HaroldLloyd]

In not seeing the problem here, you said goodbye the night before, thanked them, gave a gift, did a shop and left them to have a lie in.

Crikey what else can you do?

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

I don't think you were unreasonable at all.

Not in any way, shape or form.

You told them last night you were leaving early, you left wine & a note...

Your mother is a drama lama and you should have just said you were sorry that you missed them this morning and would see them next week. Bloody hell. It's a week and you saw her 6 weeks ago... she's acting like you live in Australia and only see them every 5 year and you were flying out this morning!! I would not have put my kids, my DH or myself through driving back just to appease her drama lama tendancies. No way. She was being ridiculous.

[Fillyjonk75]

I don't think it was inconsiderate so much as a bit weird. It just sounds like sneaking off. How odd for your mum to wake up and find you not there.

[PlatinumStart]

You said you were leaving last night, made it clear it would be early, thanked them then and left a gift. There is nothing about that is unreasonable AT ALL.

Making your DD add an extra 1.5 hours to her journey is beyond unreasonable.

[diddl]

YWNBU!

Jeez-what a drama queen.

So said your goodbyes, that you were leaving early.

Hardly your fault that your early was earlier than she thought!

As for going back-words fail me!

And you're seeing them again soon.

I never wake my Dad-he's an adult-he gets up or not to see me leave as he sees fit.

[Joiningthegang]

I think you sound lovely and completely reasonable

If my dd moves abroad and then came to stay for a week as I would do as much for her and her family as I could - and certainly wouldn't expect a top up shop

I get the feeling whatever you would have done would have been wrong.

Good luck next week

[charlottehere]

You turned around? Your dm is a nightmare

[Kat101]

Is she a mother that's easily offended whatever you do? Sees perceived slights when your intentions were good. Mine would've been silmilar and then got offended if we then stayed in a hotel. Eggshells and can't win spring to mind....

[diddl]

Is she prone to panic attacks, OP?

Why wouldn't a FB reply or call asap have been enough?

[RantyMcRantpants]

I phoned as soon as the FB message popped up and could hear her screaming and having breathing difficulties ( wheezing and heavy and loud) in the background. When we got home she was collapsed across the sofa.

We moved last summer and we are a seven hour flight away. We were delayed coming back by two weeks this year as DH has been ill. So we have had to fit a lot in in a short time.

We definitely need to sort other arrangements next year but it will mean we will be home for less time if we have to pay for accommodation. Oh! Well!

[diddl]

So she was having a panic attack?

How fortunate that you didn't have a plane to catch & were unable to turn around...

I suppose if you knew that this would happen then perhaps ypu should have said goodbye in the morning whatever the time.

But only you know how often this sort of thing happens & if it might in any way be manipulative behaviour.

[ENormaSnob]

Your mother is pathetic.

I hate all that drama shit.

Surprised you come home at all tbh.

Yadnbu

[diddl]

If she was having difficulty breathing, I wonder why your Dad wasn't getting her to a hospital rather than waiting for you to return.

After all, how did he know when you would see the FB message?

And that you would return?

And that that would cure it??

[magimedi]

Dear God - she sounds impossible.

MY DS lives abroad - when he & DIL come here I try to do as much as I can for them to give them a holiday. I am so touched that they want to use some of their precious holidays to come & see us.

[ll31]

Yabu not to say goodbye. Slightly weird even.