Was this really inconsiderate?

[RantyMcRantpants]

We've just come back to the UK for a holiday. We spent a few days at my FILs house and then a week at my Mum and Dads.

During that week we've been out and about meeting and catching up with friends and so have been out a lot. The washing machine has been on every day at Mums insistence and as I've been out she's done my ironing. I would have quite happily done it when I could fit it in.

Every morning they've been up 'looking' after the three kids. They didn't have to, the kids are quite happy to get their own breakfast bars and juice and play quietly. One gets up around 7am, the other 8am and the third we usually wake when we get up. I haven't asked them to so any of this and they have made no comment. We've been waking at any where between 8am and 9am.

We are of for a week to see other relatives and got up this morning and got ready quietly and left early, leaving them to sleep so we could get on the road as it is going to be a 6-7 hour journey. We got about 3/4 hour away and I had a face book message to return immediately as mum is having a panic attack because we had left with out saying goodbye. When I phoned to say where we were I got a mouthful to say how inconsiderate we were to leave with out saying goodbye and they had looked after our kids for us and ironed and done all sorts for us.

We've eaten out most days and I've done a top up shop for them. I got them an orchid and wine to say thank you.

We've just had to drive 3/4 of an hour back to say goodbye. I was going to ring when we stopped and when we got there. We will see them in a weeks time.

We're we inconsiderate?

[sweetsummerlove]

So because you didn't specifically ask them to do any of the favours they did for you, you didn't even bother to say thank you? Yes. You used their house like a hotel and are very rude to have not said a proper goodbye let alone a thank you.

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

I think probably you should have said bye properly, but I do wonder if your mum has martyr tendencies? I can not abide when people do loads of stuff they are not asked to do then demand extra special thanks.

Is your mum a bit of a pain like this generally? Because it is a bit foot stampy to make you drive back - if she was annoyed she could have just said that but to demand you drive back sounds like manipulation to me.

[NotYoMomma]

I would be foaming with you,

you were totally rude! Very inconsiderate and bloody ignorant

[RantyMcRantpants]

Yep a Facebook message. Phone calls to mobiles are expensive and I always have my phone by me. Though they were lucky as I realised that it was still in my bag on silenent and I had just got it out and turned it in.

[RantyMcRantpants]

Yes, we did say thank you during the week lots of times and when we gave them the wine and flower.

swish you have it in one. That is exactly it.

[cornyblend37]

facebook?? that's just bizarre. Didn't she try to text you at least?

I also agree that your mum sounds like a bit of a martyr.

[Longdistance]

Bloody hell. That was really rude.

No, they didn't need to have the kids, or iron the clothes, but that was really rude, and I'm not surprised your dm was panicking, she might have thought she'd done something wrong that you had to sneak out.

My dh's family are rude, they don't walk each other out to the door, which to me is rude, and this is the way I've been brought up. He thinks nothing of it, not to walk someone out of our home.

You should have just knocked for your dm, and told her you were off, instead of sneaking out.

Naughty you op. You'll be in your dm's bad books for a while. Just imagine if that was our dc, and how you'd feel? She's still dm, and is allowed to worry.

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

Sorry, I see it is your inlaws.

So your fil would have got angry if you had woken him, but your mil is angry you didn't. Are they angry with you or their own child?

I would pass this to your DH to deal with, they are his parents, surely he knows how big a gift they require. And he should be telling them about travel plans. Don't get sucked in.

[WeAreEternal]

I would have done exactly the same in your position, I hate waking my mum up unless I have to as she is a very light sleeper, so I wouldn't have woken them up.

I would have made it clear last night what the plan was and said our goodbyes and thank you's before we went to bed.

I certainly wouldn't have come back when we were already 3/4 hours away just to say goodbye again. That's just madness.

I think you just got crossed wires.

[dubstarr73]

No i hate people who do stuff for you without asking and and throw it back in your face.
So they got up with the grandkids,im sure when they go to yours you look after them.Whats the difference.

They knew you were going early so if they wanted to say goodbye they should have set their alarm.
And facebook message is pretty weird.
I wouldnt have driven back to say goodbye.

[ginnybag]

How old are your kids, OP?

Because whether you think someone's ungrateful or rude or whatever, putting an extra hour and a half on an already 6-7 hour drive, just because you want a 'proper' goodbye is actually, possibly, more out of order than anything the OP's done.

And if there are young children involve it really is!

The normal conversation here would have been:

Mum: You've gone! Couldn't you have woken us?
OP: Shit, sorry, mum, thought we made it clear we were going early!
Mum: No, not really.
OP: Oh, sorry! Listen, though, thanks for everything this week - it's been great. See you next week? We'll take you and Dad out for a meal to say thanks properly
Mum: Well, thanks, love. Have a safe trip...

Not bloody panic attacks and turning round....

There's drama-llama tendencies there, and that does make me doubt the rest of it!

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

Everyone is having a go at you op but they are not your parents. Your DH needs to manage this problem relationship.

I don't think you were rude as it is not your job. Possibly your DH was rude but he is their child, he knows how they work and how much grovelling is required. Personally it looks like you are being scapegoated here.

[WeAreEternal]

You are only inconsiderate if you didn't say thank you to them. But it sounds like you did.

[Khaleasy]

YABU - for all the reasons everyone else has pointed out.

[topsmart]

I don't think you were inconsiderate at all!
They're your parents, you shouldn't need to thank them for every little thing they do - And anyway it sounds like you did say thanks and you did tell them your plans. Your mum sounds like a right martyr, if you'll forgive me saying so. Good grief.

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

IF ANYONE WAS RUDE IT WAS THE DH!!!!

Although IMO no one was rude really.

[whois]

I don't think OP was U! You said you were leaving early and left a note. ginnybag posts how most parents would have handlers the situation. Having a 'panic attack' sending a FB message and making you drive back are all really shitty and U.

[Goooooooooooooooooooooood]

I think they sound weird. They could have been a bit dissapointed but to demand you drive back was WEIRD! However, that is nowhere near as weird as you actually driving back 3-4 hours? That is really,really weird Why would anyone do that? Especially as you had the three kids in the car.
I think it depends on how your family normally handles things. I expect most family may have a moan or an argument about this but not do the whole adding another 4 hours onto the drive.
If I had done it and my Mum and Dad had thought it rude they would have keptitto themselves as they would have rightly assumed I had not meant to be rude. IYSWIM

So, you will have done a 12 - 15 hour car journey by the end of your trip. That is crazy.

[nobeer]

Would your mum have been annoyed if you'd woken her up before going? Maybe you wouldn't have done the right thing whatever the situation. But you know your family dynamics better than us!

FWIW I don't think you were inconsiderate, you'd left a present and a note and you're going to see them again in a few days when you can take them out for a nice meal!

[RantyMcRantpants]

It's my parents swish. I just mentioned that it was my FIL he would throw a fit if we woke him.

The kids were in tears when we got back to her as they thought they had done something wrong. They are 5, 7 and 10.

Mum always leaves as early as we did when they do the journey every six weeks or so to see my Nan.

It's a holiday destination and the traffic is building up and is horrendous, especial as this is the first holiday weekend.

[Goooooooooooooooooooooood]

Oooops, I read it as 3 - 4 hours away NOT 3/4 hour away. Still crazy but not quite as bad as I though.

[Goooooooooooooooooooooood]

I would stay in a hotel next year

[Cravey]

You let your mum do your washing, ironing and most of the early morning childcare, then left without saying goodbye. Ywu and rude. Sorry.

[Ipp3]

If they knew you were leaving I don't think it is inconsiderate. Personally I would hate to be woken just for so eoneto say goodbye when I already knew they were going!

[CinnabarRed]

No, it was the OP's parents (I think).

I think her comment that FIL would have hated to have been woken in the same circs was to make the point that different families have different views on what is and isn't OK.

FWIW, I think you were mildly U not to say goodbye, and your mother was VU to demand your return.