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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think that he is a potential rapist?

157 replies

bitscaredandfreakedout · 25/07/2013 14:26

I could really do with some words of wisdom.

Have started seeing a man I met online a couple of months ago. When I first met him for coffee I wasn't initially attracted to him. I agreed to another date as he wasn't in the area for long and I enjoyed his company. Went on a couple more dates, ended up getting very drunk and having sex with him (first man other than my ex in 10 years). Nothing strange or sinister to that and it was consensual. The next day we exchanged a few messages and some of his were very sexual. He was basically describing what he'd like to do to me. Here's where I started to get a bit weirded out. He used the phrase '...fuck you like I'm trying to teach you a lesson' and '..treat you like a filthy slut'. Alarm bells rang and I cut contact right down. Told him that it had freaked me out and he apologised.

On Monday (this is 3 weeks later) I got a text asking if I'd meet him for coffee. I agreed and we had a nice afternoon, nothing sexual and he offered to help me move some furniture this week. So yesterday he helped me and ended up back at my new house. We ended up kissing which I was ok with and then he wanted to take it further. We were laid on the floor and he started to grind on top of me and was grunting. I know that in itself isn't too weird but this was different to anything I've ever experienced before. I honestly felt like if he'd carried on then he was going to orgasm. He got a really glazed look in his eyes and I could feel his body shaking. I gave in and ended up having sex with him. He didn't force me BUT in my heart I kinda felt like if I didn't then he wouldn't have stopped. I don't think I could face the possibility of him not taking no for an answer so went with the easiest option. When we had sex he was saying things like 'you love being fucked, don't you?' (sorry for being graphic) and he pulled my hair pretty hard.

He thinks that I keep pulling away as I don't want any commitment. The reality is that I'm actually a bit scared. Now he also knows where I live. I don't know how to end contact with him. I understand I could just tell him that I don't want to see him again but have a feeling he could get nasty

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 27/07/2013 19:35

mmm...

bumbleymummy · 27/07/2013 19:36

Yes, I would agree that it would fall into that category. Do you think that it counts as rape?

CailinDana · 27/07/2013 19:41

No. Would you agree that the OP gave in and had sex with this man in order to stop him sexually assaulting her?

imnotmymum · 27/07/2013 19:47

But has she evidence? The first experience should have been enough as I say the "no " thing may have been said but unless she was "NO" then I guess he prob thought part of the "game". Not sure how first time sex went so...

bumbleymummy · 27/07/2013 19:49

I'm glad we agree on that.

Why do I get the impression that you are trying to trap me into saying that she was raped? She initiated sex. There is a difference between 'giving in' to a sexual assault where the attacker is pressuring you for intercourse and actively choosing to have sex with someone who is not actually forcing the sex issue. Why would you choose to move into a more serious sexual assault?

JuliaScurr · 27/07/2013 20:05

It is not her responsibility to say 'no'
it is his responsibility to make sure she has said 'yes'
or to stop

SnoopyLovesYou · 27/07/2013 20:13

Please make sure you're ok op! Please make sure you protect yourself. He is violent and dangerous.

CailinDana · 27/07/2013 20:14

She explained - "I don't think i could face the possibility of him not taking no for an answer so i went with the easiest option"
It is very common for rape victims to cooperate when they feel threatened. This guy was sexually assaulting the op. She gave into sex to make him stop and get it over with. That is rape.

bumbleymummy · 27/07/2013 20:20

I think that is a huge jump. If you want to think of it that way then any guy that you have sex with could be a potential rapist because there may have been a possibility of him raping you if you had tried to stop it. Hmm If she was 'cooperating' then she would have let him orgasm while grinding against her leg and 'got it over with'.

CailinDana · 27/07/2013 20:25

Ok bumble. We'll agree to disagree. I appreciate you engaging with me even though we didn't agree.

bumbleymummy · 27/07/2013 20:28

Ok. Yes, nice to be able to have a civilised discussion without it descending into a bun fight :)

Original poster
bitscaredandfreakedout · 27/07/2013 20:54

Hi all. I've read each reply. When he was on top of me he was grinding and not in a nice way. It was very aggressive and forceful. He was looking straight through me and it was more than just sexual. I can't describe it but his attitude changed. I told he 'I think you need to stop now' but he carried on. That was the point that I decided to take control as I wasn't sure if or when he would. For my own sanity I refuse to label it as rape. I just feel sick when I think about him now and am grateful that the situation isn't clear cut as then it's something I'd have to deal with. He messaged last night and I ignored. Another message today asking if I'm ignoring him. I replied and said I'm busy with the kids. I'm just going to keep making excuses. Thank you everyone that's taken the time to respond x

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 27/07/2013 21:05

Don't make excuses - come out with it & say you don't want to pursue things & wish him luck in finding the one for him!

CailinDana · 27/07/2013 21:11

How are you feeling?

Original poster
bitscaredandfreakedout · 27/07/2013 21:14

Better for each day that we aren't in contact

OP posts:
CailinDana · 27/07/2013 21:17

Do you have any real life support?

aufaniae · 27/07/2013 21:26

If he doesn't get the hint, do be prepared to tell him you're not interested.

And please, please tell someone in real life if you can. You don't need to go into all the details but having some support could be a real help.

Original poster
bitscaredandfreakedout · 27/07/2013 21:33

I could have support if I asked for it. Not ready to divulge just yet

OP posts:
CailinDana · 27/07/2013 21:42

Could you let someone know he freaked you out? Just for safety?

bumbleymummy · 27/07/2013 22:01

Agree that you should make someone else aware of his behaviour.

flippinada · 27/07/2013 22:10

Hey bitscared. I understand this sort of thing is really unsettling and hard to process.

Like others I would really recommend that you let a trusted person know so that you have some support - you don't have to give details.

And please don't feel that you handled things in the wrong way or reacted in the wrong way.

WeleaseWodger · 27/07/2013 22:33

You don't need to tell someone in RL what you posted here. Just tell them you've had a couple of dates, something is off with this man and you want to cut contact as you don't feel safe alone with him. Let them support you in that capacity, at least.

Wellwobbly · 28/07/2013 09:02

Bumbley how can my quote be out of context. I simply C&P her EXACT WORDS of 25 Jul 19:21:56.

Are you saying the OP is out of context! Because she was recalling what happened to her?!

I am not too sure why you are parsing and splitting hairs here. This man did not respect her at all, ignored her protests and she acted to protect herself.

She wants us to hear this simple thing. And that she was frightened. Was it her fault, or can she get good and angry about it, a life force that will propel her to defend herself and in the future.

Why are you not honouring her? Why can't you acknowledge that to be 'dry humped' can be as humiliating; and to initiate as situation where she could be in 'some control' as a valid human being, should not be a stick to be beaten with?

By insisting on an exact 'legal' definition, it seems as though you are overlooking the real and rather nasty situation - that of disrespect, and treating a woman as an object for his own gratification. That's abuse, and leaves people feeling horrible frightened and humiliated.

It seems rather like my husband: his insistence that secretly getting back in touch w OW behind my back was not reigniting an affair [therefore betrayal and disrespect didn't happen!]: because he didn't stick his dick in her they just 'talked'.

Yes, Dear. Hmm

Justforlaughs · 28/07/2013 09:51

Agree 100% with the poster saying to tell someone how you feel, you don't need to go into details. You need to cut all contact asap, and do it now, without excuses. A simple "I don't want to stay in coctact with you" will do. Also, speak to someone in a professional capacity, Samaritans or something, for advice. they may well tell you to speak to the police, just so they have a record if things don't go as well as you would like. They may advise you to press charges, which would be entirely your decision, but they won't pressure you/ force you to do so.

bumbleymummy · 28/07/2013 09:57

My 'out of context quote' was directed at Cailin, not you wobbly.

I agree that he did not respect her and I think he is an ass and that she should get rid of him. I have already said that I agree that she was subjected to a sexual assault so I'm not sure why you think I am overlooking that. Of course she can be angry about that and of course it wasn't her fault (where have I said that was?!) Why does it have to be labelled as rape for her to be entitled to be angry/upset?