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AIBU?

to think that he is a potential rapist?

157 replies

bitscaredandfreakedout · 25/07/2013 14:26

I could really do with some words of wisdom.

Have started seeing a man I met online a couple of months ago. When I first met him for coffee I wasn't initially attracted to him. I agreed to another date as he wasn't in the area for long and I enjoyed his company. Went on a couple more dates, ended up getting very drunk and having sex with him (first man other than my ex in 10 years). Nothing strange or sinister to that and it was consensual. The next day we exchanged a few messages and some of his were very sexual. He was basically describing what he'd like to do to me. Here's where I started to get a bit weirded out. He used the phrase '...fuck you like I'm trying to teach you a lesson' and '..treat you like a filthy slut'. Alarm bells rang and I cut contact right down. Told him that it had freaked me out and he apologised.

On Monday (this is 3 weeks later) I got a text asking if I'd meet him for coffee. I agreed and we had a nice afternoon, nothing sexual and he offered to help me move some furniture this week. So yesterday he helped me and ended up back at my new house. We ended up kissing which I was ok with and then he wanted to take it further. We were laid on the floor and he started to grind on top of me and was grunting. I know that in itself isn't too weird but this was different to anything I've ever experienced before. I honestly felt like if he'd carried on then he was going to orgasm. He got a really glazed look in his eyes and I could feel his body shaking. I gave in and ended up having sex with him. He didn't force me BUT in my heart I kinda felt like if I didn't then he wouldn't have stopped. I don't think I could face the possibility of him not taking no for an answer so went with the easiest option. When we had sex he was saying things like 'you love being fucked, don't you?' (sorry for being graphic) and he pulled my hair pretty hard.

He thinks that I keep pulling away as I don't want any commitment. The reality is that I'm actually a bit scared. Now he also knows where I live. I don't know how to end contact with him. I understand I could just tell him that I don't want to see him again but have a feeling he could get nasty

OP posts:

Report

McNewPants2013 · 25/07/2013 22:55

I am sorry you are going through this.

I think going to the police will most likey not end in conviction but it will go on record. This is a good thing because if he has a past of doing this or repeats it will give the CPS stronger evidence in future.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 25/07/2013 22:58

I can't see anything wrong with what Cailin wrote.

OP - if I were you, I would do the old 'it's not you it's me' line - tell him you aren't ready for a relationship, you thought you were but you aren't etc.

I would also call into my local police station and have a chat with them - see if they will put your number into their 'instant response' system.

Disengage, but do it carefully.

cheeseandpineapple · 25/07/2013 23:06

I think Callin is referencing OP's post at 20:06, where OP says that she said no and he didn't stop so OP thought safest option was to "agree".

Unfortunately Callin's post is pretty much on the mark given what OP's saying.

OP agree you must cut all ties and frankly you may want to report him to the police. He might be doing this to other women or has the potential to.

GettingStrong · 25/07/2013 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Auntfini · 25/07/2013 23:39

You only agreed after you said no because of self-protection. It's very common. Totally agree with getting strong. You didn't consent to it. You went along with it because you were frightened.

thispunderfullife · 25/07/2013 23:44

I really hope your ok. Been through similar, taken me a while to pick up the pieces. Real life support, taking the power to not reply to him, not allow him into your life, counselling, meditation, cbt all helpful0

justmyview · 25/07/2013 23:54

Short polite text to say you think you're looking for different things, so you wish him well, but won't be looking to develop this relationship & then no more contact with him ever - however much he manipulates and appears charming & apologetic. Look at any website on domestic abuse & it'll tell you what to look out for

bumbleymummy · 26/07/2013 06:38

I'm not sure I can agree this was rape. It doesn't sound like he was forcing the sex issue. He was grinding on you and you said he probably would have continued until orgasm like that until you took your trousers off and initiated sex.

Regardless, you don't seem comfortable with him at all so don't continue the relationship but I don't agree with labelling him as a rapist/potential rapist.

CailinDana · 26/07/2013 06:48

Weleasewodger it would be helpful if you would read the entire thread.

bumbleymummy · 26/07/2013 07:11

Caillin, you said that the OPs instincts were primed by what she knew of him - hair pulling etc. the hair pulling during sex had not happened yet. They had previously only had 'normal' consensual sex.

Oscalito · 26/07/2013 07:25

This is the problem with sex with a certain kind of person - there are so many grey areas where it's easy to ignore/gloss over the fact that you didn't really want it, but didn't really know how to say no, or felt like it was easier or even safer to give in. Trying to work out whether it was rape or not can be hard and possibly not something you need to do (I speak from experience), but the main thing is you are trusting your instincts and getting away from this situation.

I think you did the best you could in the circumstances. Also agree with others that you should simply end it, either by not returning his calls (maybe see how that goes first, he may not get back in touch) or being clear that you don't want to see him again, wish him the best, and then never respond to him again.

I also agree with others that it may be worth contacting the police and asking if there is someone you can speak to about a man who showed violent tendencies that you met online, and who you are now a bit freaked out by. It may reassure you to speak to someone with more experience in this kind of thing and you'll get some good advice. From what I have read on MN so far the police are often really good at dealing with this kind of thing and don't do any victim blaming.

And look after yourself. I'm sorry you had a run-in with this person.

CailinDana · 26/07/2013 07:32

Fair enough bumble, if you're wanting to nit pick over details. She already knew he was aggressive and the texts he had sent her made his attitudes pretty clear.

flippinada · 26/07/2013 07:57

Whether you "agree" it was rape or not matters not one jot bumbleymummy, this is not an opinion thread.

What does matter is how the OP feels and its pretty clear she needs some support right now.

CailinDana · 26/07/2013 08:01

I agree ada. Let's just drop the rape/not rape thing, it's not useful. OP, are you ok?

Buddhagirl · 26/07/2013 08:05

He likes it rough, if you were lying underneath him you were engaging in sexual activity, it's still fine to say no at that point. You were not forced. Trust your instincts but remember some people like it rough, it does not mean they are rapists!

CailinDana · 26/07/2013 08:07

Ok going back on my own word here but I feel I have to. Buddha you do realise that the OP said "no" and he ignored her? And that she went along with it because she was afraid of what might happen?

"Liking it rough" does NOT entitle you to do what you like to someone regardless of how they're feeling. Any decent human being will notice when someone is uncomfortable and ask them if they're ok, not just carry on like this shithead did. I really worry for the kinds of sexual experiences so many woman have had if they think this sort of thing is normal.

OctopusPete8 · 26/07/2013 08:10

I always wonder if MN is the right place for these topics anymore,

Its too much of a emotive topic,While I'm not saying it shouldn't be, it seems this causes more bun fighting than other topics.While I don't fault the advice given to the OP in general,

The repetitive and tedious inter arguments generally just derail and its exhausting to read,
plus the inevitable influx of personal stories to back up there ranting post's which is inappropriate on a thread I feel should for be for the OP.

I hope the OP is getting something from this, I for one will not being reading, taking part in any rape threads until shits calmed down a bit.

Its a shame because the Relationship brd is a shining example of MN at its best but this isn't.

maddy68 · 26/07/2013 08:12

I think he just likes that type of sexual relationship. Dirty talk likes to dominate which suits done and not others. Regardless of the other red flags you are not compatible sexually.

Just tell him that your just not feeling that its going any where. If he queries why just say that you don't like the dirty talk etc

If it feels wrong its not for you. Trust your instincts

imnotmymum · 26/07/2013 08:18

If he enjoys sex like that and some women do then fine but unless you say something or do not have sex with him any more when he behaving that way he will presume you enjoy it too. I do not think you can call it potential rapist (?) but I would not get in that position again and it is worrying that he is online. I am not sure what to do police would not do anything as he has not done anything wrong but is there a report on the dating site?

flippinada · 26/07/2013 08:26

Hope you're ok OP. I won't give details but suffice yo say I have been in a similar situation and I understand what you are going through.

In this situation I would maybe send one more text saying please don't contact me again and then simply ignore any further attempt at contact. Hopefully he will get the message. If he persists then range further action.

flippinada · 26/07/2013 08:46

That should be take - sorry posting on my phone in a rush while getting ready for work.

Cailin didn't want you to think I was having a go!

GingerBlondecat · 26/07/2013 09:22

(((((((((((((((Soft Soft Caring Hugs)))))))))))) OP

Thinking of you Sweetpea

Davsmum · 26/07/2013 14:05

You say you are scared he will turn nasty if you tell him you don't want to see him again but you already feel scared seeing him!
You cannot keep having a relationship with him feeling scared all the time!

Apart from your sexual experience with him already being bad enough - Anyone who smashes things in anger are best avoided!
If I found out a new bloke in my life was aggressive enough to smash things I would get rid immediately!

Try to get support from a close friend or relative and mention your concerns to the police if you are as worried as you appear to be.

Djangounhinged · 26/07/2013 17:43

Hope you're ok, OP.

bumbleymummy · 26/07/2013 21:37

Yes, I agree it's not important - that's why I wrote my last paragraph in my first post. I wasn't the one coming on and telling her that she'd been raped She clearly isn't comfortable with him so just get rid.

Flip

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