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AIBU?

to think that he is a potential rapist?

157 replies

bitscaredandfreakedout · 25/07/2013 14:26

I could really do with some words of wisdom.

Have started seeing a man I met online a couple of months ago. When I first met him for coffee I wasn't initially attracted to him. I agreed to another date as he wasn't in the area for long and I enjoyed his company. Went on a couple more dates, ended up getting very drunk and having sex with him (first man other than my ex in 10 years). Nothing strange or sinister to that and it was consensual. The next day we exchanged a few messages and some of his were very sexual. He was basically describing what he'd like to do to me. Here's where I started to get a bit weirded out. He used the phrase '...fuck you like I'm trying to teach you a lesson' and '..treat you like a filthy slut'. Alarm bells rang and I cut contact right down. Told him that it had freaked me out and he apologised.

On Monday (this is 3 weeks later) I got a text asking if I'd meet him for coffee. I agreed and we had a nice afternoon, nothing sexual and he offered to help me move some furniture this week. So yesterday he helped me and ended up back at my new house. We ended up kissing which I was ok with and then he wanted to take it further. We were laid on the floor and he started to grind on top of me and was grunting. I know that in itself isn't too weird but this was different to anything I've ever experienced before. I honestly felt like if he'd carried on then he was going to orgasm. He got a really glazed look in his eyes and I could feel his body shaking. I gave in and ended up having sex with him. He didn't force me BUT in my heart I kinda felt like if I didn't then he wouldn't have stopped. I don't think I could face the possibility of him not taking no for an answer so went with the easiest option. When we had sex he was saying things like 'you love being fucked, don't you?' (sorry for being graphic) and he pulled my hair pretty hard.

He thinks that I keep pulling away as I don't want any commitment. The reality is that I'm actually a bit scared. Now he also knows where I live. I don't know how to end contact with him. I understand I could just tell him that I don't want to see him again but have a feeling he could get nasty

OP posts:

Report

WafflyVersatile · 26/07/2013 21:44

If you live anywhere near Manchester this place might be of help.

www.manchesterrapecrisis.co.uk/

BinarySolo · 27/07/2013 07:44

I don't think posters relaying similar experiences is derailing the thread or detracting from the attention being on the op. I think the aim is to sympathise, and in my case I was trying to point out that you don't need to kick and scream for it to be rape. I spoke to a police officer friend about my experience and she confirmed it would be classed as rape.

Fwiw, I think the police would take your concerns very seriously but any prosecution would be unlikely to be successful (rape has a pretty low conviction rate generally). As others have said tho, it would be worth speaking to the police to report your concerns and to make sure you remain safe when you cut contact.

Hope you're feeling ok and that you have someone to talk to in real life.

bumbleymummy · 27/07/2013 07:52

I'm not sure if that post was directed at me. I don't think people sharing their experiences is derailing either. Though I do think there is a difference between lying still/not attempting to fight/struggle in a situation where you are accepting the inevitable in a self preserving kind of way compared to actively initiating sex yourself.

I do agree with those who have suggested contacting the police just to have some extra reassurance in case he does make it difficult to cut contact. I hope you're doing ok.

IceAddict · 27/07/2013 07:54

I agree, even if there is nothing sinister you're clearly not matched and he's a bad judge of character. Take it as a learning experience and move on. And yes please stick to your guns on this or he will continue to get round you.

BinarySolo · 27/07/2013 11:47

Not aimed at you Bumbly. Aimed at octopuspete who basically not commented on the thread but rather the style of other posters then left. helpful.

Mrchip · 27/07/2013 12:27

I agree with twirlyhot on page one.
Certain 'characters' are hard to shake so end it clearly. New phone, email, poss new Facebook (pic of a view) and block him.
Then don't respond.
I would also log with police.

internationallove985 · 27/07/2013 13:58

I do know what you mean about being weary to say no. I had a similiar experience last week. I wanted sex but not at the point that he did it. I wanted to be more aroused as I always need foreplay prior to penetration. but he pushed me down. I didn't struggle or say no because I am ttc so I obviously wanted the sex and also because I think deep down I didn't know how he would react, but it was in no way rape in my case as how was he to know I wasn't ready. He's not a mind reader.
I put a thread on conceptions as I was very upset at the time but we spoke last Friday and I am meeting up with him after he comes back off his holiday. I told him how he made me feel and we had a long private conversation and I'm hoping to get things back on track.
Any way enough about me. I can't help thinking that with you saying you gave in in the end to sex then you were forced. I know only you and he were there so only you know what went on. I had some people telling me very kindly of course that I'd been raped I know I wasn't so I would not put a label on what happened to you. There's only you can do that.
On another note some men do talk dirty and some women like it while other s feel uncomfortable. I hope you're feeling well. Trust your instincts and if they say don't see him again listen to them. xxx

Joanne279 · 27/07/2013 15:00

I'd stay right away! This guy sounds a bit unstable to me.

If sex with him makes you uncomfortable, he's not the guy for you. Just ignore any messages from him and report to the police if he keeps it up.

Some people like being spoken to like that. Personally I think it's filth and would like to be treated far better than a porn star!

Hth x

imnotmymum · 27/07/2013 15:18

I was with you until the last sentence Joanne judgy pants.

Joanne279 · 27/07/2013 15:27

Was just offering my personal opinion which I thought was the point! I don't enjoy being told someone would like to 'f**k me like a slut' or whatever it was he said and clearly the op didn't like it either!

I'm not a judgy pants thankyou! Just have respect for myself!

imnotmymum · 27/07/2013 15:32

There you go saying that women who do like it don't have respect for themselves opinion fine but generalising ...

Joanne279 · 27/07/2013 15:36

You've got completely the wrong end of the stick. It is my personal opinion that its not very respectful for a man to talk to a woman that way! Maybe I didn't word it very well. No need to launch a personal attack.

If you enjoy it, great for you. But I don't and the op didn't either.

Wellwobbly · 27/07/2013 17:35

I do remember saying No when he was laid on top of him and said that I didn't want to do this. That's when he continued to grind away and just got a really cold, distant look in his eyes. That's when I thought 'I've just got to do this'.

Hi OP, I think you handled this dangerous and humiliating situation really well. I think it WAS a rape situation, and you did what you had to do to get out of the situation you were in with a horrible man.

Well done, kudos for survival to you. Let us know how you are and if you manage to keep him away from you. Trust your instincts always!

bumbleymummy · 27/07/2013 17:45

Do people think grinding on someone is rape? I'm getting confused about how anyone can think that is the same as forcing someone to have sex. Yes, the fact that he was grinding on her even though she asked him to stop means that he's an ass who deserves to be dumped but he wasn't pushing the sex issue. He did not initiate/force sex on her. That was her decision.

CailinDana · 27/07/2013 18:01

Bumble the OP said "I gave in and ended up having sex with him. He didn't force me BUT in my heart I kinda felt like if I didn't then he wouldn't have stopped. I don't think I could face the possibility of him not taking no for an answer so went with the easiest option."
It is very clear from this that the OP felt threatened and that she had sex with him because she felt that if she didn't he would just force her to. She had sex that she didn't want to prevent being hurt.

bumbleymummy · 27/07/2013 18:25

Out of context quote. He wasn't pressuring her to have sex. He was continuing to grind on her leg and would have continued to do so until orgasm. I think it's jumping to conclusions to assume that he may have pressured her into sex if she hasn't initiated it herself.

imnotmymum · 27/07/2013 18:52

Agree bumble

CailinDana · 27/07/2013 18:52

I'm not sure what you mean when you say my quotation is out of context. Does "i gave in and ended up having sex with him" sound to you like someone who actually wanted to have sex?

imnotmymum · 27/07/2013 18:54

And well get the quotes right

CailinDana · 27/07/2013 19:04

Is that aimed at me imnot?

bumbleymummy · 27/07/2013 19:05

No, it doesn't but that isn't the same as him forcing her to have sex. The decision was still in her control. She initiated sex ( to stop him humping her leg by the sounds of it!) It sounds like he may have continued grinding against her leg against her will otherwise but grinding is not rape.

Thanks Imnotmymum

imnotmymum · 27/07/2013 19:06

No Wellwobbly. I do not think (after double checking) that the OP said "I remember..." Do correct me if I am wrong. That would have put a different spin on it

WeleaseWodger · 27/07/2013 19:15

In one post OP shares her what was going through her head at the time, in further posts she elaborates and describes her ACTUAL ACTIONS.

Some posters are pointing out the two are vastly different. She said no, then took off her clothes, and said yes. According to her actual posts.

She has explained the reasons she felt she had to say yes to us in her posts, but she did not to the man.

She continued to have contact with him, so the man probably has no idea what she is thinking/posting here. She hasn't yet told him she doesn't like the dirty talk etc. so it's a bit confusing, really. And not enough info to tell the OP he definitely raped her.

imnotmymum · 27/07/2013 19:18

Ok just re-read and saw that "no" comment. Just thinking why that was not mentioned in OP.

CailinDana · 27/07/2013 19:27

Bumble would you agree that someone humping your leg against your will is a sexual assault?

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