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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to change DS weekend sleepover to next weekend for the third week in a row?

25 replies

WeAreEternal · 25/07/2013 10:16

So I think I am probably being UR, but I do have good reasons.

The first weekend wasn't a change, DS had plans so I said 'no sorry he can't maybe next week' when they asked.

Then last week I forgot that we had arranged to go to a barbecue, I said he could still sleep over, they would just have to pick him up after dinner at around 6.30. But they said there was no point in having him if they couldn't have him for the whole day to 'do something' and said they would have him next week instead.

Except it is my SILs birthday on Saturday and she has organised a big family picnic for 2pm on Saturday.
DS has to and wants to come.
I know I have to just say that we are busy, but I feel UR for saying so.

I am more than happy for him to go there after the picnic, or for him to come for a short while and then let then pick him up at 4-5pm. But they won't be happy with that, they will want him from lunch time so that they can do nothing something with him.

So am I being incredible unreasonable to keep changing the sleepover weekend?

And how should I tell them that they can't have him this weekend either.

OP posts:

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 25/07/2013 10:39

I think it's important to be honest and say that you're not deliberately trying to put it off, it's just happened this way. And i would also acknowledge that their child will be disappointed (again) and apologise for that.

whois · 25/07/2013 10:57

As poster above said, but also maybe you could invite the other child to the picnic and stay over at yours afterwards (if its the sort of event where extras are welcome)

diddl · 25/07/2013 11:01

Who are the "they" who want him so badly??

diddl · 25/07/2013 11:01

And why must they do the picking up?

CajaDeLaMemoria · 25/07/2013 11:04

Hmm...

I can completely see where you are coming from, but if they are planning on having him this weekend, it seems pretty late notice to tell them that they can't?

Unless your SIL has just arranged the picnic, I guess, but then it wouldn't seem so important that your DS was there if it was a last minute thing.

I think I'd contact them ASAP and explain that SIL needs DS, but that he is really looking forward to the sleepover and you are really sorry about how it's turned out. Then make definite plans for a weekend.

(Of course if there are no children who will be excited or plans that have already been made, it's not UR to cancel this late)

RoxyFox211 · 25/07/2013 11:10

I think Yabu tbh. Although completely unintentionally. Eventually the person will start to think you're making up excuses, even though that's not the case. I think the moral is don't agree to a date until you're 100% sure nothing else will clash, and if something does come up the thing you arranged first should take priority.

diddl · 25/07/2013 11:16

Whose was the BBQ that he "had" to go to?

And why does he "have" to go to SIL's picnic?

He has a prior engagement!

Squitten · 25/07/2013 11:25

YANBU to have a busy schedule. However I think the polite thing to do would be to pick a free day a few weekends ahead, put it in the diary and stick to it, even if that means saying no to other people instead!

livinginwonderland · 25/07/2013 11:26

Invite the friend to SIL's picnic instead.

Original poster

WeAreEternal · 25/07/2013 11:52

There is no other child involved.

'They' are a family member of DS's.

The barbecue last weekend was a party for a friend who has just come home after being injured in Afghanistan. He is a very close friend and DS adores him.
I actually got the dates of the barbecue mixed up, when I said they could have him I though it was arranged for the following weekend, as soon as I realised it wasn't I let them know.

DS has to come to SILs picnic because she would be upset if he didn't come, we don't see her or her family very often and they are traveling all the way down here (6 hour driver) to spend her birthday with us.
Plus DS is really looking forward to seeing his cousins.

OP posts:

Original poster

WeAreEternal · 25/07/2013 11:55

I would not invite them to SILs picnic,
They don't know SIL or any of my family.
and I don't want to spend time with them

OP posts:

diddl · 25/07/2013 12:00

Why can't he go after the picnic, sleepover & do an activity the next day?

If not, then they'll just have to wait!

WilsonFrickett · 25/07/2013 12:05

Well I think you are being rude to keep chopping and changing, yes. It is rude to cancel commitments because other/better ones come along. But I don't understand why he can't go after the picnic.

Who is the sleepover with? Can't they come to the picnic?

WilsonFrickett · 25/07/2013 12:06

Just saw your last post - why are you letting DS sleep over with people you wouldn't want to spend time with?

pinkdelight · 25/07/2013 12:06

can you not say what family member 'they' are? if it was someone close who should be spending time with DS - i.e. father, grandparent - then that is probably more important than SIL, but if it's a random cousin, then they can probably wait another week. YABU though to be so disorganised. You could surely have checked your diary and arranged a free weekend at the start instead of messing them about. TBH I'd probably go ahead with the sleepover this weekend, unless I really didn't care about pissing them off (again, it makes a difference who 'they' are - you imply you don't like them in a later post, so it's hard to know how you treat them).

Sirzy · 25/07/2013 12:08

Which event does your DS want to go too?

NinaHeart · 25/07/2013 12:09

if I was the "they" then I expect I would be very pissed off at what looks like avoidance, so I think you would need to grovel a lot and make some firm arrangement for next time that is not broken. "They" might have made other plans too.

Original poster

WeAreEternal · 25/07/2013 13:43

The person is a close relation to DS.

Why can't he go after the picnic, sleepover & do an activity the next day?

That is the question, but I don't have an answer, they wanted him from lunch time Saturday until lunch time Sunday. Apparently you can do loads on a Saturday afternoon but nothing on a Sunday morning.

I haven't said they can't have DS, I've just said we are going somewhere and they are welcome to collect him later in the afternoon, but they didn't want that.

OP posts:

Beeyump · 25/07/2013 13:54

This is all rather mysterious. 'A close relation' (but WHO?), shady mentions of 'they' (collective relations!) and the inability to do things on Sunday morning. Perhaps they're religious and observing the Sabbath...

Original poster

WeAreEternal · 25/07/2013 13:59

I didn't name change because I am too lazy and quite a few people whom I know in real life know my username on here, which is why I don't want to say specifically who the relation is as it will probably get back to them that I am talking about them on MN.

so for the sake of sounding less mysterious lets pretend I'm referring to my PIL.

OP posts:

AaDB · 25/07/2013 14:26

is this a sleepover with another child or a family member taking your DS overnight.

If there is another child involved, you should offer to host the first sleepover. It doesn't have to be Saturday and you coudl do what suits you.

If it is an adult looking after your DC just change it for a better night.

Beeyump · 25/07/2013 14:31

Why did you cross out 'nothing' in place of something in your OP? Is that a suggestion that they're not actually going to do any activities with him, just having you on? Your attitude towards 'them' does seem a tad negative tbh. I think it's a bit of a shame to mess them around.

diddl · 25/07/2013 14:34

Well I think unless they have booked a specific activity & there's no reason that they can't be flexible, then they'll have to wait.

If they're wanting to see him that badly, another week or two won't hurt.

But I think that this has to be the last put off.

Unless you don't want him to sleepover, of course-then it just has to be a no!

Original poster

WeAreEternal · 25/07/2013 14:47

I crossed out nothing because whenever they have him they say they are going to do something with him, but never actually do it.

DS does like seeing them, but he is far more interested in the other plans we have, if he would rather see them that would be fine but he want to do our other plans.

OP posts:

DoingStuffForHarriet · 25/07/2013 22:34

It's just occurred to me that "they" could possibly be your DS's Dad and SM, and that they are constantly getting their access weekends cancelled by you at very short notice.

If that's the case then YABVU for denying them time with your DS, and also for encouraging your DS to regard his visits to them as being at the very bottom of his social agenda.

I might be projecting my own experience here.

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