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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave for work on time & let DH deal with the kids?

19 replies

MrsHelsBels74 · 25/07/2013 07:36

I have to leave for work at 8. DH leaves 1/2 an hour after me so his 'job' in the morning is to get the boys dressed & fed as I take them to nursery. I'm always late waiting for them to be ready.

This morning he's not up yet, his alarm has been snoozing since 6:45. WIBU to leave at 8 without the boys if they're not ready & tell DH he has to organise getting them to nursery?

Bit of back story...we're having relationship troubles & I've told him one of the problems I have is that it's hard for me to respect someone who can't get themselves out of bed in time. He promised to try harder, and then does this.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

Rainbowinthesky · 25/07/2013 07:39

Surely you work as a team? Do you sit and wait for them to be ready? Get the children up and ready and deal with your dh later. Don't let them suffer. Mind you I bet if you did leave he would get up in future.

TheFallenNinja · 25/07/2013 07:42

Ultimately his bone idleness could cost you your job.

Grown ups get up on time, every time.

Bejeena · 25/07/2013 07:43

No not unreasonable really.

However you say about not being able to respect him due to not being able to get out of bed - that really isn't the issue I don't think, the problem is the effect it has on you, not him staying in bed.

Mine finds it hard to get up and sometimes I have little sympathy but it doesn't mean I respect him less. However I think for something as important as getting kids to school he would be up - but does he know he has to get them ready? If you do it every day he probably thinks he doesn't?

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 25/07/2013 07:52

This sounds deeply annoying and my instinct is, as always, to wonder how on earth men like this ever manage to find nice, decent women to get together with, never mind procreate with...

However, why don't you split getting them ready, with one of you doing some of the stuff, and the other doing the rest. I leave about 20 mins after DH in the mornings - I make beds, get them dressed and teeth brushed. He does their breakfast. It works well.

Finola1step · 25/07/2013 07:56

Get him up. Grab your bag and stuff. Open door. Go to work. Leave him to sort it. You can not be late for work because he can't get his sorry arse out of bed.

Original poster

MrsHelsBels74 · 25/07/2013 08:05

No I don't just sit & wait for them to be ready, I'm getting myself ready (& on MN in the loo!). I already get up at 6 so I can get everything I need to do done, I don't think I should have to get up earlier to take on more.

It's not just the effect it has on me, he's often late for work because he can't get up on time (to the point where they've brought it up in appraisals) and for him to be risking his job (there have been redundancies where he works) because he can't get up is craziness.

OP posts:

PeppaMiddleton · 25/07/2013 08:35

I think if you did it a couple of times, or maybe even just the once, you would find that he drastically improved his getting-up skills and his timekeeping in the mornings!

He's behaving the way he is as you are enabling him to do so by picking up the slack, which is understandable that you are doing it as obviously you need to get to work each morning too and the kids need to get to nursery. However I think you need to get tough otherwise he will carry on like he is and probably just get worse and worse.

DoodleAlley · 25/07/2013 08:37

What did you decide to do OP?

whois · 25/07/2013 08:37

Doesn't exactly sounds like he is pulling his weight as a team does it!

Not U to leave without them once although sounds like there are bigger problems.

redskyatnight · 25/07/2013 09:52

Have you asked the boys to go and jump on him?

I agree it's rubbish and he should get up, though tbh I'm wondering what on earth you are doing between 6 and 8 if you can't fit it in. If DH really has problems with getting up in the morning perhaps it's best to consider if he could do other jobs at a different point in the day and just do the mornings yourself?

witchface · 25/07/2013 11:15

I do this, i tell them to get up, set out breakfast for dd, lay out her clothes the night before. If she is ready I take her if not dh has to. Gives him some incentive to help her get ready for 8.

Neither of them can say I am being unreasonable as I am giving them every chance to be ready.

oscarwilde · 25/07/2013 11:21

You need to give your kids one of these each.

Shouldn't take too long.

GladbagsGold · 25/07/2013 11:29

I am terrible at getting out of bed some days. It is hard to explain, its not laziness its linked to anxiety & depression. TBH I feel panicky now just thinking about how it feels.

However, DH knows this, and supports me, and between us we always make sure DC and each other are ready and at work/clubs/school at the right times.

Your DH can't just say 'I don't do mornings' and leave it at that.

I'd say tonight that tomorrow you will be leaving at 8am, and if the boys aren't ready he will have to take them.

HoobleDooble · 25/07/2013 11:32

I was thinking more along the lines of buying them a recorder each, oscarwilde, but I like your thinking!

oscarwilde · 25/07/2013 15:18

When you get up at 6am. Do you leave him snoozing and sidle out of the room quietly to have a shower before the kids start waking?

Perhaps it is time to change tactics - swoosh the curtains back, turn on the radio where he can't reach it, bring him a cup of tea/double espresso before hitting the shower and blowdrying your hair noisily etc etc. Even the worst non morning person can't take more than 1 hr to wake up surely? That gives him an hour to get the kids up and dressed.

I'm crap in the mornings but I find it's a vicious circle. If I get up later, I go to bed later. A week of early starts is enough to reset my internal clock so I am shattered by 10pm and can't wait to get to bed. I can get up much more easily then.

Option 2 - concede defeat. Get the kids out yourself and leave him to make packed lunches the night before or whatever it is you are doing for 2 hours before you leave at 8.

Original poster

MrsHelsBels74 · 25/07/2013 16:52

Sorry for the delay in updating, limited Internet at work!

In the end they came with me, told DH I was going at 8 & that was final. By some miracle DS1 co-operated (for once) so he managed to get them ready & we left at 5 past 8.

It will be interesting to see what happens tomorrow morning.

I agree it seems like 2 hours is a long time to get ready, but I like to be able to take my time and have a cup of tea (or two) in peace & quiet before the madness starts.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 25/07/2013 17:02

I am always up early - I like being up early. DH on the other hand stays in bed until 15 minutes before he has to leave.I take our DS to nursery because it is near my work and I also get him ready in the morning. Have you thought about changing the roles - ie DH doing the bath routine instead and you doing the morning?

DH and I used to have a bit of a battle in the mornings but it got so much better when we agreed I would do mornings and he would do evenings. Mind you - I still get DS to sleep as I have the boobs so it's still not a completely fair split.

Justforlaughs · 25/07/2013 17:08

DH always gets up before me and manages to get himself ready, while I stay in bed later and get 5 children up and out of the door as well as myself by the same time. I am that it can take anyone 2 hours to get ready for work. Seriously??? 2 hours??? An hour, to get up, call kids, make their breakfast, have a shower, make the kids lunches and get the little ones dressed, and all out of the door. Takes practice mind

DuelingFanjo · 25/07/2013 19:53

Some people just like having that time to potter, specially if you're an early bird. Mind you I potter in the morning and night, sometimes going to bed at one am and getting back up at six thirty!

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