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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to stop speaking to my mum over this?

26 replies

StabInTheDark · 22/07/2013 22:12

I am furious. My eldest DD went abroad to a family wedding with my parents a few weeks ago and she's been a bit quiet since she got home. Anyway, tonight she finally spilled the beans. My mum had been an utter bitch the whole time- told her she was overweight (she's not at all!!!) and had inherited the 'fat gene', didn't like her choice of clothes, refused to let her have a glass of wine (even though she's 18!!!) sulked if my DD wanted to mingle and just generally made it a miserable trip. All of these comments were made in front of other people and my DD says she felt utterly humiliated.

This feels like the final straw (we haven't had the best relationship anyway) and I am so angry on my DD's behalf I really feel like stopping speaking to her altogether. I just cannot believe a grown woman would behave like this!!

AIBU or would you feel as furious as I do now?

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 22/07/2013 22:17

Speak to her.

She does sound like a cow though.

HollyBerryBush · 22/07/2013 22:19

At 18 your daughter is a grown woman free to make her own choices.

SirBoobAlot · 22/07/2013 22:21

Your poor DD. You need to speak to her about this.

Original poster

StabInTheDark · 22/07/2013 22:25

I know I should probably have a calm and reasoned discussion with her about how she speaks to my children but I'm not sure I'm capable of that!! She just seems so determined to push us. This isn't an isolated incident.

My DD hasn't spoken to her since (her own choice) and I feel like I want to follow suit.

OP posts:

BridgetBidet · 22/07/2013 22:25

I think you need to clarify with your Mum what happened before you do anything.

It's really difficult and stressful going on holiday with anybody and I have known it break up many friendships. It could just have been that they were getting on each others nerves and bickering. Clarify with your mother what happened.

I know my Gran will tell me if I need to shift a few pounds just because she thinks nobody else might tell me.

And the glass of wine thing - I think she was well within her rights, if I was responsible for an 18 year old who was not my child in a foreign country at an event where there was a lot of booze I wouldn't want them drinking either.

It does sound like cutting her out of your life over this might be a bit extreme.

littlewhitebag · 22/07/2013 22:28

Eh. She is 18 not 8. If she is unhappy at how she was treated she should take it up with her grandmother. Where was the wedding? In some countries 21 is the age at which you can drink alcohol.

selsigfach · 22/07/2013 22:30

Bridget She's 18! An adult, and responsible for herself! I would have laughed if at 18, a relative wouldn't let me have a drink.

Original poster

StabInTheDark · 22/07/2013 22:31

I know what you mean Bridget, about holidays being difficult. They can put a strain on the best relationships. However, I know they wouldn't have been bickering, as the relationship my DD has with her gran isn't comfortable enough to allow that! She's always on her best behaviour etc and would never answer back!

There's NO WAY my DD needs to lose ANY weight and I wouldn't want her to think she did. I think it's a disgusting thing to say in front of a table full of people too. Also, I can agree to an extent about booze at the wedding, but this was a glass of wine with a meal in the house!

I know it seems extreme to stop speaking. And it more than likely won't be forever. She's just really done it this time!

OP posts:

Parietal · 22/07/2013 22:32

YANBU to stop speaking for a while and let her know you are unhappy. YABU to stop speaking to her forever.

pianodoodle · 22/07/2013 22:41

It depends on the general dynamic you all have with each other I suppose. Is she a nasty person? How close are you all?

My wonderful maternal grandmother died this year and was well known for telling me, my mum and sister that we shouldn't have dyed our hair that colour, we looked pale, I was too thin, sister was looking plump etc... We'd just laugh.

I'd give anything for her to come on the phone right now and tell me I'm getting to old to have my hair so long...

Original poster

StabInTheDark · 22/07/2013 22:50

pianodoodle so sorry about your grandmother. It sound like you had a really lovely relationship. x

I'd say she's a very bitchy woman- it's difficult to have a conversation with her without it involving catty and quite malicious comments about someone else. My DC don't have a great relationship with her. It's very distant and they wouldn't ever banter or joke around with her. There isn't a closeness at all, really, which is why I find these comments inexcusable.

OP posts:

BridgetBidet · 22/07/2013 23:39

Was your mother drunk by any chance?

I still say if I was going away with an 18 year old who was say a niece or nephew I wouldn't want them getting pissed up while they were with me.

Fakebook · 22/07/2013 23:46

If this isn't an isolated incident then why did you not prep your daughter up for any bad things happening? Or stop her from going? I would never pack my children off with a relative I know would put them down and who they aren't close to.

GladToBeBack · 22/07/2013 23:47

disclaimer - not read the whole thread

be happy that you have a mother

mine's dead

just a thought

AdmiralData · 22/07/2013 23:55

If your mother is notorious for being a bitch then drop her like she's hot. You should always do your best to protect your children from psychological harm whether they are eighteen or eighty. I have a toxic mother so am perhaps biased but you should at the very least discuss this with your mother and tell her that her behaviour is bang out of order.

justmyview · 23/07/2013 00:16

I think that to stop speaking would be an over reaction. Think you should hear your Mum's side of the story. Might be worth letting her know that you doubt your DD would wish to go away with her again as she was really hurt

What's your Dad saying about it?

Nibledbyducks · 23/07/2013 00:27

GladToBeBack - Read the whole thread then, my mother is dead too, it doesn't mean that all mothers are lovely and that everyone should be happy about the one they have!, sorry but yours is a response that always drives me mad.

DoJo · 23/07/2013 00:28

It sounds like she has found the last straw with this latest trip, so if you don't feel as though you can have a conversation with her because of it then don't. Whilst it is a great shame that people have lost loved relatives, it doesn't really have a bearing on whether you should keep plugging away at a damaging and upsetting relationship if it is making you and your daughter unhappy. Does she bring more happiness to your life than pain?

YouTheCat · 23/07/2013 00:30

What Nibled said.

OrangeLily · 23/07/2013 01:26

What a horrible attack on your daughter's confidence. Yes, your daughter needs backing up here. 18 whilst grown, is still young.

As for the posters saying their 'mother is dead therefore you should put up with it'. That's just nonsense so ignore. It's obviously sad that they have lost a much loved parent but if you've had an abusive/negative/upsetting parent (or in this case grandparent) it can be hugely damaging.

SquinkiesRule · 23/07/2013 03:58

Back up your daughter, she sounds like she had one miserable trip with your Mum.
I'd probably call her and tell her that Dd has told me the awful things she said to her and that you are very angry that she would do all this to Dd at all, and to do it in front of other people was shameful. Your Dd deserves and apology.

cloudskitchen · 23/07/2013 06:32

YANBU to be very angry with your mum. What an awful thing to say to someone, let alone your own granddaughter! I would only stop talking altogether for a short time while you decide what you're going to say to her. prolonged silences can be very difficult to come back from iykwim.

stainesmassif · 23/07/2013 07:09

You need to tell your mum that the way she treated your daughter on holiday has damaged her self confidence and until she recognises and attempts to make up for it, you won't be spending time with her. She sounds toxic. You need to assert yourself.

pianodoodle · 23/07/2013 07:17

Thanks OP - it sounds like this is a very different situation from mine regarding comments. Catty and malicious isn't on at all :(

I'd definitely tell her how you feel and take it from there x

whitewineandchocolate · 23/07/2013 07:52

How upsetting for your daughter. I think you should try and get your mum's side of the story but it does sound like she was being pretty mean in which case you should make it clear that's just not on.

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