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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wibu to change contact arrangement

60 replies

HamsterDam · 21/07/2013 22:56

posted in lone parents but coming here for the traffic/more of a picture if iabu or not.
my ds 4 sees his dad every Saturday all day and sometimes overnight. as he will be starting full time school next year i want to change this to every other weekend plus a day or two in the week pick up and tea. this will probably mean ex will have to move as he lives half hour drive away by car- he doesn't drive, or 2 buses very long journey public transport is irregular and very limited.
so iabu to suggest this? im thinkin if i tell him now he will have time to think about moving and make arrangements

OP posts:
olibeansmummy · 21/07/2013 23:15

I don't really think you can expect him to move just like that... You sound very blasé about it and moving us a big deal! Tbh you can force him to see your ds when you want him to. If your ex wants to, then great and he can choose to move closer, but you can't make that decision for him. Even if you went to court, they couldn't force your ex to do as you wish.

By all means suggest it, your ex might be pleased to follow the pattern you suggest, but ultimately it's his choice ( rightly or wrongly).

WorraLiberty · 21/07/2013 23:17

Well judging by the little bit you've said, I think YABU.

Moving home isn't easy and why shouldn't he see his son every Saturday and you see him every Sunday?

You say he sometimes stays overnight?

Perhaps it's better to suggest he stays overnight every other Saturday so you get a complete Sunday with him?

However, since your DS is 4yrs old it won't be long before he'll have a voice in all this, if he doesn't already.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 21/07/2013 23:19

Erm yes I think you are tbh.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 21/07/2013 23:20

Alternatively could he have him overnight every Friday and return him to you Saturday evening so you have Saturday and all day Sunday (plus every other week night)

CloudsAndTrees · 21/07/2013 23:24

It would be fine for you to suggest a change in times for contact, but you can't just take it upon yourself to decide to limit your child's time with his father when they have a good relationship.

You have to think about changes you could make so that both you and your ex have a fair share of 'the good hours'. Things do change as children get older and they have less time to share out, but you can make sure you both still get quality time if you work together and be flexible.

Whippetwarmer · 21/07/2013 23:30

Yabu. Why not just do every other weekend as it will work out about the same as he currently has him, and it means you both get a full weekend with ds.

WilsonFrickett · 21/07/2013 23:34

YABU to suggest your ex should move. Even if your suggestions for contact are sensible, he's not going to hear that if you try to dictate his living arrangements.

TheDetective · 21/07/2013 23:35

YANBU.

Sounds a fair split. It's more contact than he gets now and it takes in to account the change in circumstances for your child ie. starting school.

Your ex doesn't have to move. He can chose to move though if he wishes.

Original poster
HamsterDam · 21/07/2013 23:36

i won't force him to move obviously it will be his choice. he's got a year to move if he wants to i don't expect him to move 'just like that'
i would like more of an equal co parenting arrangement so ds could see him more.
doesn't seem fair that i will be left with all the hard work and drudgery of drop offs pick ups and not much quality time while he gets to be fun dad every weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
HamsterDam · 21/07/2013 23:42

says in the op i will be suggesting we move to every other weekend. my ds would like to see him more than once a fortnight though. unless i dont have quality time with him or do all the running around driving him over there the best option would be for him to move.
i would move if it was me.
i drive to pick him up on sundays after he stays over half hour there half hour back plus the inevitable faff when ds isn't ready all eating into the limited time i will have with him

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 21/07/2013 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HamsterDam · 21/07/2013 23:51

Natasha - because it will mean i am doing all the hard work without getting any quality time with ds

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 21/07/2013 23:54

I don't think you can expect your ex to move house just because contact arrangements are changing. I would think that once a week contact would be more of a routine than every other week with one school night. I can see that it's a lot of driving for you. Could your ex not learn to drive. That might be easier than moving house.

GirIFiend · 21/07/2013 23:57

Dunno why people are getting snarky when if they read the OP you are actually suggesting that the contact be increased

I think your suggested schedule is pretty much what is standard for school age children, perfectly reasonable, and gives both of you some weekends with your DS. But if he doesn't want to or can't move - then what's the plan?

Original poster
HamsterDam · 21/07/2013 23:59

i wouldn't expect him to move just offer it as a suggestion. im just really worried that im never going to see ds and do fun things together. i will just be boring bad cop mummy that drops him at school makes him eat his tea and puts him to bed while daddy takes him to parks farms museums and the like.
thanks viv hadn't thought of him driving will suggest that also.

OP posts:
GirIFiend · 22/07/2013 00:03

Every other weekend and a midweek night is the standard arrangement when DC are at school. That's for exactly the reasons OP is explaining - it gives both parents quality time with their chil/ren at weekends, and means the NRP gets to share the school routine and get involved with DC's school life Smile

Original poster
HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 00:11

thanks gir. think some people didn't read/understand the op.
not sure what the plan will be if he doesn't want to move really. guess it will be up to him to get 2buses here and back on a week night.

OP posts:
madbengal · 22/07/2013 00:19

I think you should be thinking not about your ex getting 2 buses there and back during the week BUT your son at what 5 doing this so you would be getting a rather tired, bored and cranky kid home 2 buses are nothing to an adult but very different for a small bod

Original poster
HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 00:25

mad ds wouldn't be getting the buses his father would.
he could give him tea at mine. or if he moved at his.

OP posts:
catkind · 22/07/2013 00:33

Mad, alternatively, for a 5 yr old 2 buses is a fun adventure, for an adult it's tiring and boring Wink
OP, I wouldn't suggest moving outright unless you have a really good relationship, might put his back up. Not unreasonable to suggest moving to every other weekend and would he want to do a midweek overnight or pickup/tea?

madbengal · 22/07/2013 00:41

Sorry misunderstood the "plus a day or two in the week pick up and tea." I assumed pick up to be taking son to his and then back as I wouldnt like any ex at mine unless you have a very good relationship with yours but then it wouldn't be a pick up

babyhmummy01 · 22/07/2013 00:51

hamster I can completely understand your thinking in terms of access but what about ex's job? Will he be able to do school pick ups? Friday to Sunday every other weekend is very fair and gives him more contact than he has now.

For us its only practical to have dp's midweek cos I am on mat leave otherwise neither of us can do school runs due to work commitments.

Original poster
HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 00:54

yes thanks cat think i will just say contact will change and how he deals with the logistics would be his business. personally i would move to the moon if it meant having the best relationship possible with my son.
mad pick up would be from school, i dont mind him being at mine i have always done everything possible to facilitate the relationship they have. one thing i won't be doing though is ruining my relationship with ds by hardly seeing him.
sorry to anyone who found the op or subsequent posts abit confusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 01:00

baby he will have to do what i have been doing the last 3.5 years and work it out.

OP posts:
babyhmummy01 · 22/07/2013 01:00

FWIW hamster I would "just say contact will change" as it has the potential to inflame the situation and comes across as controlling and unreasonable and that nay be why you are getting some backlash.

I would ask him if you can discuss it with the fact he is starting school and then explain how you feel about not getting quality tome and ask him if he would consider a change in arrangements and then discuss what you both consider to be fair iyswim