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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wibu to change contact arrangement

60 replies

HamsterDam · 21/07/2013 22:56

posted in lone parents but coming here for the traffic/more of a picture if iabu or not.
my ds 4 sees his dad every Saturday all day and sometimes overnight. as he will be starting full time school next year i want to change this to every other weekend plus a day or two in the week pick up and tea. this will probably mean ex will have to move as he lives half hour drive away by car- he doesn't drive, or 2 buses very long journey public transport is irregular and very limited.
so iabu to suggest this? im thinkin if i tell him now he will have time to think about moving and make arrangements

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 22/07/2013 01:04

Wouldn't even

Unfortunately work places for men rarely see it that way. It's wrong and sexist but they don't normally offer family flex to men unless they are a single parent with sole custody.

Original poster

HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 01:27

maybe he could find a new job to go with his new house. doubt he would want to travel two buses to work anyway.
being a parent means sacrificing yourself sometimes for what's best for your child.these logistical problems like work and transport he will have to deal with like i have had to since day one.
feel like im repeating myself quite alot - he will be staring full time school next year - as in 14 months time. sure that's long enough to make whichever arrangement will be best for ds

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 22/07/2013 01:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babyhmummy01 · 22/07/2013 01:47

I am sorry but I actually find your posts very unreasonable and quite immature tbh. You are focussing on what is best for you not your child for a start and dictating to your ex what he must do in terms of moving house/job because it suits you is ludicrous. We are in a massive recession where jobs are scarce, surely your child is better having a dad in a job than a dad on the dole.

NatashaBee · 22/07/2013 01:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NatashaBee · 22/07/2013 01:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl · 22/07/2013 01:57

Is there anything else about this man's life you'd like to unilaterally change?

Original poster

HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 02:00

dear god im not going in all guns blazing you must move house you must change jobs. i have my answer thanks iabu to even suggest to him ways to come to an arrangement that will best suit ds IN 14 MONTHS TIME .
alternate weekends is reasonable to suggest yes? that sounds pretty much what you just suggested Natasha . and exactly what i said in op!
baby- i find your accusation that this is about what's best for me extremely offensive.

OP posts:

Original poster

HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 02:02

assume away natasha
i work in the same job I've had since before ds was born. no it isn't easy. being a single parent generally isn't .

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 22/07/2013 02:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babyhmummy01 · 22/07/2013 02:05

But hamster your posts don't state your are suggesting anything but instead telling your ex what will happen.and then expect him to just accept it. You state that its about you having quality time so not sure why my agreeing that you are focussing on.you is offensive!

You state that he will just have to find a way to.deal with it because you have had to...you are the resident parent and whilst not fair it is the normal way of things. Your current arrangement gives you every Sunday with your child which gives you quality time on a weekly basis.

People can only go.on what you post

StuntGirl · 22/07/2013 02:06

Only one of the reasons you listed were about your son, the majority were all about you. So be offended as you like, but Natasha made a fair point, this arrangement sounds more to suit you than your son.

Original poster

HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 02:08

on a whim? probably not. in 14 months time? probably yes.
im not demanding anything. these are just suggestions so that he won't loose time with ds when he goes full time.

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 22/07/2013 02:10

Under your current arrangement nothing would change in terms of the amount of contact though

StuntGirl · 22/07/2013 02:13

It's not up to you where your ex lives or what he does for a living. Just as your business is yours and not his. Do the contact arrangements work for your son? Yes - leave them as they are. No - do something about it.

I'm sorry you feel like you're stuck with the drudgery of parenting but, well, you kinda are. And you always will be as long as you are the resident parent. Thems the breaks I'm afraid.

Original poster

HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 02:13

yes ok ds having more quality time with both parents has got nothing to do with what's best for ds.
what's about me?? what majority??

OP posts:

Original poster

HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 02:21

exactly stuntgirl. the arrangement won't be working because he won't have quality time with me.
baby the arrangement as suggest in op of everyother weekend plus one or 2 evenings in the week would be more time for them to spend together.
im not stuck with the drudgery of parenting. i like being a parent and at the moment i get quality time with ds. in 14 MONTHS TIME i wont be spending so much time im trying to think of solutions apologies for being such a terrible mother and actually wanting to spend time taking my kid to museums swimming and football instead of just to school and back

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 22/07/2013 02:23

At the moment you say he has your son every Saturday so when he starts school you will have him every Sunday so not sure I see the issue?

Original poster

HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 02:26

"" so aibu to SUGGEST this?"" its in the op.

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 22/07/2013 02:35

Yes but in your subsequent posts you state you are just going to say you are changing the contact.

Look, you are clearly feeling overly sensitive about this and are getting defensive to people trying to point out the errors your posts imply you are going to make. No one is saying you are a terrible mum but you need to consider the practicality of what you are expecting.

Like it or not companies don't like family flex contracts, they are not financially viable. Men struggle massively with this aspect of being a dad esp when they are not a resident parent as working around childcare for men is very taboo and often frowned upon. As I said above, its not fair and its sexist but it is life unfortunately.

It isn't fair that you have the dull side of parenting all the time but it is what it is.

If this is about what is best for your son then consider leaving things as they are initially as he will have a big enough change in starting school, changing all his routine in one foul sweep could be more harmful to him at such a young age.

You could lay the groundwork and discuss the prospect of a change once your son is settled in school. But don't expect him to just agree. It has to work for all of you

Original poster

HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 02:47

he starts school in 14 MONTHS TIME. suggesting now that contact will likely change will give him the option to look into overcoming all the logistics.he might be able to transfer or whatever if he wants to but if he doesn't know contact will change how can he even look into it?? ccontact could change before he even starts school in 14 month time if ex wants to be a co parent instead of a weekend dad.
im getting defensive at the suggestion that im a selfish mother only thinking of changing it to control ex or rock the boat or because im putting my self first.im not.
'it is what it is' well actually no i don't live my life like that.

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 22/07/2013 02:52

Read your post hamster "contact will change" is why we have said you are coming across as controlling.

As for not living your life like that, what are you going to do if he can't change his hours in order to suit your demands?

Original poster

HamsterDam · 22/07/2013 03:00

contact will change. if he can't do a day in the week either by moving or getting buses over then the over night will stop so that ds and i have a whole day on the Sunday for quality time.
im not demanding. im suggesting rather than resign myself to the fact without even trying to change things for the better. i take it you're not a single parent baby?

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 22/07/2013 03:06

My parenting status is irrelevant.

You cannot force contact to change, it has to be a negotiation and you have to be reasonable. If you approach it as fact that it will change and the only negotiation is over whether he moves/changes job/loses time with his dad you will probably find things going to court which is never the best way to deal with it.

MidniteScribbler · 22/07/2013 04:06

If moving and changing jobs is as simple as you think it is, then why don't you move? Since you're the one wanting to make all the changes, it only seems fair.

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