wibu to change contact arrangement

[HamsterDam]

posted in lone parents but coming here for the traffic/more of a picture if iabu or not.
my ds 4 sees his dad every Saturday all day and sometimes overnight. as he will be starting full time school next year i want to change this to every other weekend plus a day or two in the week pick up and tea. this will probably mean ex will have to move as he lives half hour drive away by car- he doesn't drive, or 2 buses very long journey public transport is irregular and very limited.
so iabu to suggest this? im thinkin if i tell him now he will have time to think about moving and make arrangements

School holidays are the time for going and doing all that kind of trips out, in term time you will find that your child is too tired to go traipsing round a museum with you at the weekend. As a child starts school you have to adapt, it's not like it is with a toddler where you can set the schedule for things.

One night at a different oarent's house in the school week is the major cause of poor organisation for children with parents not living together. It might not seem to important when they are little, but as they get older and have to bring things to school, do homework, bring in kit etc it gets hader for the child and they have to become more independent and grown up earlier than children who have just one house to worry about.

It would be better to change to your ex having DS every other week Friday to Sunday if you want to have weekend time with him. It isn't easy to move and change jobs even with over a years notice no matter how much you want to.

It's not great when they start school and you don't have time for fun things in the week but that's life when you have work and kids.

It's unreasonable to basically tell your ex he will have to move and change job or lose time with his son. Not every NRP can have their children in the week due to work hours.

How would you like it if he told you he wanted residency and you have to move or only see him two days a month?

ok midnight because I've only changed one thing since ds was born - MY WHOLE LIFE! . he was the one that moved over there not being able to drive knowing public transport is rubbish.I've lived in the same house 3 years.
im sure we will be able to agree on something that works for all 3of us.
it will be flexible anyway like it is now the contact isn't court ordered or anything

Hamster - in some of your posts you have said that 'this is what's going to happen and how your XH sorts the logistics of that is up to him.' It's hardly surprising that people think you are being controlling! You hardly give the impression that you are open to discussion on the matter.

I think YABU, not for wanting to spend quality time with your son but for deciding what is going to happen without actually having a discussion about with your ex about it, you know the child's Father! Perhaps try explaining your concerns to him, suggesting what you would like to happen and see if he has any other suggestions.

Just because you are the resident parent doesn't mean you should just be allowed to dictate what will happen regarding contact. And that is exactly how your posts come across

You need to discuss this with your son's father. Maybe you can organise an amicable arrangement.

Dh's cousin gets his son every 2nd weekend Friday 5pm to Sunday 5pm. He also get a extra days in all the school holidays. But that had to be court ordered as his ex didn't want him to have their son at all.

Bit left field, if co-parenting & sharing the burden is a factor then in your ex's position, I'd be looking for custody & you could be the NRP. That way you'd get to be 'fun mum' at weekends & he'd get to do school drop offs & pick ups.

In theory, YANBU at all to want a fairer balance between the stressy, boring routine bits and the fun weekend stuff when co parenting with an ex.

Ignore anyone who says otherwise. Wanting quality time with your child is not selfish or nothing to do with their best interests or whatever else.

Whether you and the ex can make workable arrangements in reality is another matter altogether.

I thought that too super.

YABU, impractical, controlling and selfish. It doesn't matter if you gave him 10 YEARS notice (writing in capitals doesn't make it any more reasonable btw...) you can't just demand this, or in fact anything.

Do you know, if he's a reasonable kind of guy you could even say "Hey, so when our son goes to school I feel I won't get a full day off to enjoy with him. Could we look at changing the contact arrangement?" he may even agree or come up with this solution all by himself. But forcing and demanding things is not the way forward in any situation, let alone this one.

If moving and changing jobs is as simple as you think it is, then why don't you move? Since you're the one wanting to make all the changes, it only seems fair.

That's exactly what I was going to suggest.

Why not give it some thought OP?

him having full custody and me being fun mum wouldn't be co parenting just the same as we have now isn't co parenting.
no i haven't thought about moving because im near ds school, friends and family that support us. i didn't choose to move 25 miles away from my ds and nor would i.
stuntgirl - that's exactly what i will be saying!!
but in the same way that i can't force him to want to change the arrangement, he won't be forcing me to keep it the same