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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say no to this request from a friend?

1001 replies

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 10:16

An old friend is getting married in my home town next month. She has been talking about it non-stop since she got engaged last year and everyone's very happy for her. She sent out save the date cards and all was good.

Invitation time came around, and nothing arrived. I wouldn't normally have asked but since she had sent the save the date, I assumed DP and I were invited.

Turns out nope, we're not, and neither is another of our close friends (also from our hometown). She didn't offer up any explanation for it, other than to confirm that we weren't invited. Fine, her prerogative to invite whoever she likes to her wedding. I was a bit put out, I'll admit, since we'd had the save the date card, but oh well. Our other excluded friend was very upset and had a chat with the bride. During this conversation, friend was informed that the bride sent out the save the date cards knowing she wouldn't invite everyone and seemed to be under the impression that the cards were for the purpose of telling people about the wedding before the guest list had been finished. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the case? About 20ish people are also not invited.

Fast forward to now, four weeks to the wedding, and the bride has emailed me. No mention at all of not being invited etc. However, she is now requesting my help with decorating the venue. Apparently most people are coming from out of town so she doesn't have much local help and doesn't think she will be able to find the time to do it herself. She also mentioned wanting to keep the decorations a surprise for the wedding guests so doesn't really want to ask for help from the few locals that are invited.

I'll accept not being invited, like I say it's up to her. We have been friends for a long time and it does hurt that I'm not invited but I'm not going to make a scene over it.

But AIBU to refuse her request for help? Does it look petty? My perspective maybe a bit skewed but I think she's being cheeky.

OP posts:
DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 21/07/2013 11:41

Wow that takes the biscuit! I hate bridezilla nastiness, currently suffering from it myself :(

MardyBra · 21/07/2013 11:41

I think it needs a poem.

I saved the date
But it comes to pass
There's no invite
So up your arse.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/07/2013 11:43

Bloody hell - she has more front than Blackpool!

I would have simply refused - I think your reply runs the risk off you being told you can do the decorations and come to the wedding.

I think I would have sent this reply; "I was very hurt and offended by your behaviour in sending save the date cards and then not inviting us to your wedding, and cannot imagine why you would think I now want to help you decorate your venue."

HawaiianSunset12 · 21/07/2013 11:43

I've never understood the point in Save The Date cards in the first place!

FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn · 21/07/2013 11:44

Ooo, Empress I was just coming back to say the same thing! It sounds like OP's Bridezilla friend and "Fronk" would be a match made in heaven Grin

I feel I ought to say, in defence of Save The Date cards, we sent some out 11 months before our wedding, but everyone that received a card got an invite! We were getting married at peak holiday time and wanted a big family wedding so sending the cards out was just a courtesy.

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 11:44

Okay it's sent minus the special day part at the end.

Let the waiting commence!

OP posts:
pudcat · 21/07/2013 11:45

Is she expecting a wedding present as well? The cheeky so and so.

oohdaddypig · 21/07/2013 11:45

Mardy - that is brilliant Grin

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 11:46

I have nothing against save the date cards btw, I think they can be quite helpful if you haven't finalised the ins and out of the venue and timings, etc.

But they are not for when you haven't finalised the guest list!

OP posts:
bemybebe · 21/07/2013 11:46

"Or send a 'helping with decorations' card and then just before the wedding tell her that you're not really helping her and you sent the card just because"

This is much better and will really piss her off. Grin

MardyBra · 21/07/2013 11:47

Why thank you daddypig.

maja00 · 21/07/2013 11:47

I was promise enthusiastically to help.

Offer to take on lots of extra duties, buy the decorations, deliver them etc.

And then take your family out for a lovely day trip somewhere instead Grin

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/07/2013 11:49

We sent save the dates as my friends work shifts and work weekends so have to ask for the day off.

Good for you OP! Make sure you update!

FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn · 21/07/2013 11:49

Purple:

The OP had a friend who had recently had a baby and received a card with a very grabby "gift list" of presents for the new mum.

Upshot was the friend was truffling with new baby and her sister had taken over and hired a party planner she knew (think Fronk from Father of the Bride!) He'd book a load of ridiculous things for the party and put together the obscene gift list. Turned out sister was getting a commission from the planner!

OP and her partner stepped in to help out, cancelled planner and faced him down over returning a deposit. Sister chucked her toys out of pram.

Upshot, friend now having a quiet "normal" christening and OP and her (now!) fiancé have been asked to be godparents.

ChuffMuffin · 21/07/2013 11:50

Blimey is July Cheeky Bastard Month or what? So many outrageously selfish people taking the piss!

Mardy your poem is perfection Grin

Can't wait to see what your "friend" replies Tidy!

FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn · 21/07/2013 11:51

Friend was not "truffling", she was struggling Hmm

YouStayClassySanDiego · 21/07/2013 11:53

Truffling is a great word! Grin

justmyview · 21/07/2013 11:53

Weddings do bring out the worst in some people. It seems to be silly season! Just say you're not available. No explanations required

Backpaw · 21/07/2013 11:54

When's the Mumsnet book of apologies, put downs, worm outs and insults for modern etiquette coming out then? There could be a whole section 'in rhyme'.

pigletmania · 21/07/2013 11:54

Just Mardys poem would have been perfect

ImABadGirl · 21/07/2013 11:54

shamelessly marking place for update, what is it with crazy bride syndrome?!

RoooneyMara · 21/07/2013 11:58

Yikes. She's outrageous.

I would only be able to summon up 'you must be joking' as a response.

Anything else makes it look like you actually care.

lunar1 · 21/07/2013 11:58

your reply was far too civilised!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/07/2013 12:00

There should be a specific Haiku section, Backpaw. I remember a thread, a couple,of years ago which was all in Haiku - putting down a male celeb who,had either said something rude about mumsnet, or very sexist - my heat-addled, elderly brain can't remember the details - except that I think the thread had to be pulled because he got his head all in a point about what was said about him!

RoooneyMara · 21/07/2013 12:02

Oh yes. He was called Gary I think and he asked MNHQ for all our addresses and names, it was a bit freaky.

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