Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say no to this request from a friend?

1001 replies

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 10:16

An old friend is getting married in my home town next month. She has been talking about it non-stop since she got engaged last year and everyone's very happy for her. She sent out save the date cards and all was good.

Invitation time came around, and nothing arrived. I wouldn't normally have asked but since she had sent the save the date, I assumed DP and I were invited.

Turns out nope, we're not, and neither is another of our close friends (also from our hometown). She didn't offer up any explanation for it, other than to confirm that we weren't invited. Fine, her prerogative to invite whoever she likes to her wedding. I was a bit put out, I'll admit, since we'd had the save the date card, but oh well. Our other excluded friend was very upset and had a chat with the bride. During this conversation, friend was informed that the bride sent out the save the date cards knowing she wouldn't invite everyone and seemed to be under the impression that the cards were for the purpose of telling people about the wedding before the guest list had been finished. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the case? About 20ish people are also not invited.

Fast forward to now, four weeks to the wedding, and the bride has emailed me. No mention at all of not being invited etc. However, she is now requesting my help with decorating the venue. Apparently most people are coming from out of town so she doesn't have much local help and doesn't think she will be able to find the time to do it herself. She also mentioned wanting to keep the decorations a surprise for the wedding guests so doesn't really want to ask for help from the few locals that are invited.

I'll accept not being invited, like I say it's up to her. We have been friends for a long time and it does hurt that I'm not invited but I'm not going to make a scene over it.

But AIBU to refuse her request for help? Does it look petty? My perspective maybe a bit skewed but I think she's being cheeky.

OP posts:
pictish · 23/07/2013 11:11

Dh and I shared this thread last night. I was reading out the response suggestions to him, and one or two I couldn't finish for laughing! Because he and I have similar soh, it was a bloody good belly laugh. Grin

I am so sorry OP, I know we are suckering your pain for our own entertainment - I do feel a bit guilty...but fact is...you really ought to consider sending her a nicely boxed wedding gift of some Brasso.
Not really.
But I would laugh a lot if you did. Grin

SauvignonBlanche · 23/07/2013 11:22

Well said Stealth! Grin

Thumbwitch · 23/07/2013 11:24

"AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Mon 22-Jul-13 19:26:48
Funnily, (Understandably), Cannot Knowingly Your Offer Undertake"

I thought this was brilliant - no one else seemed to pick up on it! wonder if she'd "get it" if you sent it?

FruOla · 23/07/2013 11:25

That wedding is going to be interesting, even if the bride tries to play the sympathy card "Tidy wouldn't help me decorate the venue" (as described by springperennial upthread), all those 20 non-invitees, even if not connected to each other, will be connected to other people there.

I imagine various guests will be saying to each other "where's X, Y, Z, I thought they were coming?", reply being "didn't you hear? They got a STD card, but then no invitation". They'll be overheard by someone else who also knows a non-invitee and it will all soon be 'buzzing' round the reception.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 23/07/2013 11:29

slave the date card! Grin

mrspaddy · 23/07/2013 11:36

ha ha ha ... Slave the date...

You couldn't make up this story.. cheek of her!!!!

Vivacia · 23/07/2013 11:44

(Is anyone else slightly uncomfortable with some of the gleeful nastiness directed towards someone not here to defend herself?).

RenterNomad · 23/07/2013 11:47

Vivacia, to quote soneobe who has been heard on this thread, "Are you serious?"

GeraldineAubergine · 23/07/2013 11:47

It doesnt look like it.

coco87 · 23/07/2013 11:47

This deserves to be entered into the cheeky requests thread here;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/1735637-Have-you-ever-encountered-anyone-this-cheeky

fuzzpig · 23/07/2013 11:52

Slave the date. Genius :o

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 23/07/2013 12:24

RenterNomad Grin

Go Tidy!

somewhereaclockisticking · 23/07/2013 12:29

That's awful - bad enough to consider yourself a close friend and then not be invited - but to then ask you to help her decorate - I think she's giving you an idea as to how she really views this friendship and it's not how you view it. I wouldn't waste anymore time on her. She's rude and abit mean.

arabesque · 23/07/2013 12:34

Wow, she sounds self entitled. People are expected to keep a day free just in case she decides to ask them to her wedding? Then she expects a friend that she hasn't invited to help her out?

To be honest, I would be terminating that friendship immediately.

Beastofburden · 23/07/2013 12:42

I get the impression she has no clue what she is doing. I am prepared to bet that whoever does help her decorate at the last minute will find themselves taken for granted, expected to buy everything and do everything while she flaps about.

Fun though it has been to create a bridezilla figure, probably underneath it there is a not very competent young woman in a flat spin having got quite a lot of things wrong and maybe even feeling bad about having upset everyone. Who knows? you know her and we don't.

If the friendship is worth saving, go out for a drink with her and tell her straight how she made you feel, but then offer to help her anyway. if it's not, meh, tell her anyway but then bugger off for a spa weekend or something. think of all that money you didnt have to spend on a present, a new outfit and a hen night, and go spend it on yourself instead.

Betternc4this · 23/07/2013 12:46

The bride-to-be had friends a plenty
So one night whilst she was pissed
Wrote down the names of twenty
That she felt would least be missed

You could've knocked me with a feather
When the postman passed my door
With the embossed invitation,
Still firmly in his paw.

He put one through each neighbours door
I could hardly bear to watch
The Japanese on guided tour
They even got one too.

There must be some mistake I thought,
As I ran down the road in my slippers
How could she miss out her best friend
Over a coach of bloody day trippers.

As I caught up with the postie,
He had a strange look in his eye
Was it me in my tiger print onesie
Made him want to curl up and die.

But it wasn't the clothes I was wearing
In his job, after all that's old hat
It was more the bad news he was bearing
My god I felt such a twat.

coco87 · 23/07/2013 13:28

Dear friend, dear friend,
Is this a new trend,
To send a ?save the date?,
But then not invite your mate

Ask me to help you decorate the venue,
But i don?t get to see the menu,
A slave i am not,
Perhaps you have been smoking too much pot?

smellsofsick · 23/07/2013 13:41

This thread is amazing. It's brought out the Pam Ayres in so many posters!

quoteunquote · 23/07/2013 13:51

Dear friend,

A quiz for your convenience, tick one,

I will NOT be assisting in decorating your wedding venue because:

A I have better things to do.

B I am doing better things.

C I have saved the date for an event, I am going to.

D I have self respect.

E I am NOT on drugs.

well done 100% correct.

GeraldineAubergine · 23/07/2013 13:57

'I will decorate your wedding venue if you will clean my toilet'.

MojitoMagnet · 23/07/2013 15:13

I think it's important NOT to say anything about having better things to do though.

It needs to be clear that the issue is with getting the save the date card, THEN not being invited, THEN being asked for a favour.

I think it would be just about reasonable for a distant friend, not close enough to be invited, to be asked to help with the venue as a one-off favour - perhaps if you had ideas for the decor which you wanted to be a surprise for the guests - especially if you considered this to be something "fun" rather than work.

Given her confusion at your first response, it therefore needs to be extremely clear that you found it offensive to be sent a save-the-date and then not be invited, and that you consider this inconsiderate behaviour to be too much for your friendship to survive, and that is why you aren't inclined to make yourself available to help.

Any response less clear than this, e.g. if you simply say "because you didn't invite me" or "no I'm busy now" will be (willfully or otherwise) misunderstood.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 23/07/2013 15:18

apologies if this has been mentioned and i missed it... but what about the other "friend" that wasnt invited? has she been asked to help out at all? or is it only you that is wanted for slave duties?

YouTheCat · 23/07/2013 15:22

Yes, you need to contact the other non-invitees. For all you know they could be doing the catering/making the cake/waiting tables/doing the flowers and you wouldn't want to look mean if everyone else is doing their bit? Grin

bootsycollins · 23/07/2013 15:27

I need an update tidy Grin

LaurenQueefer · 23/07/2013 15:28

(saving my place)

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.