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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say no to this request from a friend?

1001 replies

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 10:16

An old friend is getting married in my home town next month. She has been talking about it non-stop since she got engaged last year and everyone's very happy for her. She sent out save the date cards and all was good.

Invitation time came around, and nothing arrived. I wouldn't normally have asked but since she had sent the save the date, I assumed DP and I were invited.

Turns out nope, we're not, and neither is another of our close friends (also from our hometown). She didn't offer up any explanation for it, other than to confirm that we weren't invited. Fine, her prerogative to invite whoever she likes to her wedding. I was a bit put out, I'll admit, since we'd had the save the date card, but oh well. Our other excluded friend was very upset and had a chat with the bride. During this conversation, friend was informed that the bride sent out the save the date cards knowing she wouldn't invite everyone and seemed to be under the impression that the cards were for the purpose of telling people about the wedding before the guest list had been finished. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the case? About 20ish people are also not invited.

Fast forward to now, four weeks to the wedding, and the bride has emailed me. No mention at all of not being invited etc. However, she is now requesting my help with decorating the venue. Apparently most people are coming from out of town so she doesn't have much local help and doesn't think she will be able to find the time to do it herself. She also mentioned wanting to keep the decorations a surprise for the wedding guests so doesn't really want to ask for help from the few locals that are invited.

I'll accept not being invited, like I say it's up to her. We have been friends for a long time and it does hurt that I'm not invited but I'm not going to make a scene over it.

But AIBU to refuse her request for help? Does it look petty? My perspective maybe a bit skewed but I think she's being cheeky.

OP posts:
Scarletbanner · 22/07/2013 20:35

She really is deluded!

Of course I'm serious. Why on earth would I be pleased? Am I supposed to feel honoured to help? Because I don't.

Tidy.

pictish · 22/07/2013 20:37

Like it scarlet

chansondumatin · 22/07/2013 20:37

How about:

Yes I was being serious. But I don't want to cause bad feeling, so I'm sending you some Brasso as a wedding gift. So you can polish your neck in time for the big day.

pictish · 22/07/2013 20:37

chans Grin

pictish · 22/07/2013 20:39

I vote for chans

PoppadomPreach · 22/07/2013 20:39

could you just text back a link to this thread?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/07/2013 20:42

"Dear Bride-to-Be,

You sent me a save the date card but did not invite me to your wedding - this was not only rude and offensive but hurtful too. Now you are surprised that I am not leaping at the chance of being your skivvy and decorating your wedding venue for all the INVITED guests to enjoy.

So - not only do you have more front than Blackpool, but you are also incredibly insensitive and self absorbed!

And just to make things crystal clear, I would happily help a friend decorate their wedding venue - it would be a huge pleasure and great fun - but YOU ARE NOT A FRIEND!!!

Lots of love,
TidyDancer"

springperennial · 22/07/2013 20:43

Agree with Pictish, don't put anything in there that implies neediness or hurt on your part, because it will get turned back on you as being the mardy cow who ruined her wedding. She will gloss over the fact that you weren't actually invited to anyone asking. I suspect this person is a self absorbed and manipulative bitch who has form, even if she does it in more subtle ways than this current manifestation of mad. I don't buy into the Bridezilla thing, tbh, I think weddings just make some people show their true colours in technicolour.

I agree with the one word response: "Why?". Make her explain herself.

ThatVikRinA22 · 22/07/2013 20:43

i would send something like this

"Yes, i am perfectly serious. Generally speaking, when a save the date card is sent, it is in anticipation of partaking in the wedding celebrations as a guest, not usually so that you can ensure you have unpaid help with the venue. If you need help with your venue then i suggest you consult the yellow pages for a wedding planner. Since i discovered that i am not in fact invited i have made other plans. We are clearly not as close as i thought, if i am good enough to help, but not good enough to get an actual invite. Im sorry i appear to have misunderstood your intentions however i think you need to brush up on the etiquette of sending out save the date cards. Enjoy your wedding day. I will enjoy it all the more in the company of friends."
Yours faithfully
x

RoooneyMara · 22/07/2013 20:45

It doesn't sound like she realises she's done anything wrong. I'd back down and approach it as being hurt, not angry - just hurt.

ThatVikRinA22 · 22/07/2013 20:45

or does that sound a bit needy? perhaps cut the "not as close as i thought" bit....

she clearly has the cheek of the frigging devil.

louisea · 22/07/2013 20:46

Ask her how much she is willing to pay you for your decorating services seeing as she doesn't seem to consider you a good enough friend to actually invite you to the wedding.

trixymalixy · 22/07/2013 20:47

talkativejim's reply is the best.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/07/2013 20:49

Not mine? Grin

PurplePidjin · 22/07/2013 20:51

"What on earth made you think that?"

TidyDancer · 22/07/2013 20:53

Okay, I'm thinking talkativejim has it.

"Hang on, have I got something wrong here? Am I actually invited? Apologies if I have got the wrong end of the stick but I really thought that I wasn't."

Then if she replies to that, I can use a mix up of are you on glue and the veil/colon idea.

How does that sound?

OP posts:
FriendlyLadybird · 22/07/2013 20:53

I vote for talkativejim's reply. I think it's really good. (All the others were my favourite too, of course)

YoniMitchell · 22/07/2013 20:57

Go for it! Would love to see her response to a direct reference o the lack of invitation.

ThePowerof3 · 22/07/2013 20:58

TalkativeJims idea is best, youarewinnings is funniest

springperennial · 22/07/2013 21:00

Just seen TalkativeJim's response, yes that sounds good. Just, whatever you do, don't send anything that constitutes YOU explaining YOURSELF. You owe her no explanations, and she'd definitely just pick on anything that makes you look petty and the bad guy.

pictish · 22/07/2013 21:01

No. It's a good reply, but it's not quite right. She might then issue an emergency invite!!

Then what?

FannyFifer · 22/07/2013 21:01

It must be a limerick reply, do not let on you are hurt at all.

Can't believe the cheek of her.

Ask Mumsnet if they can change your name on this thread so she can't stalk you then send her the link?

LunaticFringe · 22/07/2013 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gintastic · 22/07/2013 21:03

Pictish - then you bring out the "sorry I've got a subsequent engagement" line...

SJisontheway · 22/07/2013 21:03

Chans chans chans chans. Its genius.

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