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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say no to this request from a friend?

1001 replies

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 10:16

An old friend is getting married in my home town next month. She has been talking about it non-stop since she got engaged last year and everyone's very happy for her. She sent out save the date cards and all was good.

Invitation time came around, and nothing arrived. I wouldn't normally have asked but since she had sent the save the date, I assumed DP and I were invited.

Turns out nope, we're not, and neither is another of our close friends (also from our hometown). She didn't offer up any explanation for it, other than to confirm that we weren't invited. Fine, her prerogative to invite whoever she likes to her wedding. I was a bit put out, I'll admit, since we'd had the save the date card, but oh well. Our other excluded friend was very upset and had a chat with the bride. During this conversation, friend was informed that the bride sent out the save the date cards knowing she wouldn't invite everyone and seemed to be under the impression that the cards were for the purpose of telling people about the wedding before the guest list had been finished. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the case? About 20ish people are also not invited.

Fast forward to now, four weeks to the wedding, and the bride has emailed me. No mention at all of not being invited etc. However, she is now requesting my help with decorating the venue. Apparently most people are coming from out of town so she doesn't have much local help and doesn't think she will be able to find the time to do it herself. She also mentioned wanting to keep the decorations a surprise for the wedding guests so doesn't really want to ask for help from the few locals that are invited.

I'll accept not being invited, like I say it's up to her. We have been friends for a long time and it does hurt that I'm not invited but I'm not going to make a scene over it.

But AIBU to refuse her request for help? Does it look petty? My perspective maybe a bit skewed but I think she's being cheeky.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 22/07/2013 20:12

Just say "I'm afraid you are mistaken. I would not like to help. Best wishes for your future happiness".

May I just say how much I admire you not giving into the temptation to agree to do it, but then scupper her plans in some way. What she has done is a strange and mean thing, but it's not really any skin off your nose - she's lost a friend and will struggle to find a decorator. But to plan to ruin someone's wedding is just spiteful.

Moxiegirl · 22/07/2013 20:13

'Why don't you ask someone you invited?'

TidyDancer · 22/07/2013 20:15

I just nearly choked on my ice cream at Celia's suggestion of "you'll need a surgeon to remove your veil from your colon". Grin

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 22/07/2013 20:16

The best invite refusal I ever heard was 'I'm sorry but I need to lie on my bed and watch television'. Not appropriate in your case but always made me smile.

Figureof80 · 22/07/2013 20:17

The response should be one word:

"Why?"

Make her explain why she thinks you would want to help.

Onetwothreeoops · 22/07/2013 20:18

Could you just send her this link as a response:

save the date etiquette

TidyDancer · 22/07/2013 20:18

Apocalypse - there is an evil part of me that would love to do that, but my eagerness to retain the moral high ground would take over.

If she re-tells this story, reasonable people will laugh at her (at best). I don't want them to think I'm the bitch!

OP posts:
pictish · 22/07/2013 20:18

"I'm afraid you are mistaken. I would not like to help. Best wishes for your future happiness".

Like that too.

pictish · 22/07/2013 20:18

Or

Did you? Why?

TalkativeJim · 22/07/2013 20:19

What I'd do now is deliberately act confused.

I'd reply 'Hang on, have I got something wrong here? Am I actually invited? Apologies if I have got the wrong end of the stick but I really thought that I wasn't.'

...thus implying that the only way someone could be so grasping and awful and inappropriate would be if there was some fundamental misunderstanding.

...this forces her to reply, actually WRITE DOWN.. 'No, sorry - you have it right - you are not invited.' CONFIRMING that nope, you aren't invited, and yep, she just wants to use you as free labour and for you to then bog off.

If that doesn't shame her, nothing will. And will speak VOLUMES about the 'help' situation.

And then you get to reply again in suitably outraged tones... I'm sure there will be lots of suggestions for how to do that!

ApocalypseThen · 22/07/2013 20:20

If she re-tells this story, reasonable people will laugh at her (at best). I don't want them to think I'm the bitch!

Yeah, there would be s

pictish · 22/07/2013 20:20

Ohhh I do like Celia's reply!

youarewinning · 22/07/2013 20:20

Just read the " I thought you'd want to help"

We need another limerick as a reply. Better than the one I'm going to attempt!

There was a young bride saved the date
80 people then heard their fate
I wasn't included
but you are deluded
if you think I'm gonna decorate.

ThePowerof3 · 22/07/2013 20:21

Hahaha

ApocalypseThen · 22/07/2013 20:21

If she re-tells this story, reasonable people will laugh at her (at best). I don't want them to think I'm the bitch!

Yeah, there would be some momentary satisfaction, definitely, but I don't think you'd reflect on it with genuine satisfaction.

ThePowerof3 · 22/07/2013 20:21

That's fantastic youare winning!

ThePowerof3 · 22/07/2013 20:23

I think talkativeJim is on to something as well

laeiou · 22/07/2013 20:23

You've already been clear, so no real need to repeat yourself. If you must reply, I vote for "Maybe next time". Ambiguously offensive, with a hint of "I didn't mean it that way!" to mutual friends if you wish.

Didactylos · 22/07/2013 20:26

Id decorate the venue personally

With the most tacky and tasteless hen night decor ever - think giant phalluses in bright pink. And arrange a stripper or two, and a banner saying something really inappropriate. And possibly arrange to have a pole for dancing installed.
And then Id act really innocent and pretend I thought the date was her hen night, and I was so excited about arranging it for her....

Ezio · 22/07/2013 20:28

I'd go with Jim's reply, just to make her squirm and all that.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 22/07/2013 20:28

i love these threads Blush Grin

though it does make me realise how utterly boring my life is!

BalloonSlayer · 22/07/2013 20:28

"You would only ask really good friends to help you out working for nothing to make your wedding perfect. You ask good friends to your wedding. Presumably you do not get the irony here."

Actually I prefer Apocalypse's one. Yes! Even to my [many] contributions.

VomitingVeronica · 22/07/2013 20:32

Pleeeeeeeeease do talkativejim's reply! I really want to see her reply to that. I sometimes I wish I had the bravado to ask favours like bridezilla...

ChasedByBees · 22/07/2013 20:35

Oh I knew this would be good when I read the OP and saw 400+ replies. Grin

I like sowornout's reply best:

*I would send her an email back saying,

Unfortunately, you cannot have it both ways. Generally, people ask close friends and family to their wedding. Close friends and family are really the only people you can possibly ask to do you a massive favour for free (such as give up a day to decorate your wedding venue).*

Might I suggest that you ask one of your wedding guests to do so rather than myself?

Because she genuinely seems clueless here.

I might try and work in a veil / colon passage too though. Arf.

RoooneyMara · 22/07/2013 20:35

I'd send back something simple like

'I would have been really pleased to, but you don't even want me at the wedding - how did you think I'd feel, then, to be asked to help out instead? I thought I was worthy of an invite, but perhaps we're not friends in that way.'

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