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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make a formal complaint about this midwife?

116 replies

INeedToKnow · 20/07/2013 17:09

I had my baby 14 weeks ago. Physically the birth was a doddle, 2 hour labour, 3 pushes and out he popped. Mentally it was very traumatic. I spent most of those 2 hours home alone and utterly terrified, ambulance arrived 10 minutes before birth, baby was born outside in the street as I clung to the back of the ambulance. By the time I arrived at the hospital I was shaking all over and in complete shock.

I have autism and had been to the labour ward several times in preparation for the birth. My notes were very detailed about the difficulties I have with physical contact from people I don't know, my fears and anxieties and a plan as to how best to deal with them. The consultant was lovely and said that once the baby was born I could be sedated if necessary to get me through the afterbirth poking and prodding. It was all in my notes.

The midwife who dealt with me on arrival was horrible. She was cold, stone faced and didn't smile or speak to me at all. She spoke to the paramedic and the other midwife and student but not me. I felt invisible and pretty scared as I had nobody with me. She did an internal exam to see if I needed stitches and she was so rough and heavy handed with me that I started crying and begging her to stop telling her she was hurting me. She completely ignored me and carried on for what felt like forever. I must have said at least 20 times 'STOP! You're hurting me. I don't want you to do this. Please stop'.

Afterwards I was just relieved it was all over and baby was fine and all that and I was busy being a new mum. But increasingly now it's creeping into my thoughts and every time my mind goes there I start to cry.

Would I be unreasonable to make a complaint? Am I overreacting to what is a normal part of childbirth?

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 20/07/2013 20:25

This might sound petty, but part my trauma with DS1 was the fact that no one in the theatre (emcs) spoke to me, smiled, interacted, said hello, except the anaesthetist. I can see that pleasantries weren't top of their agenda, but the shock of having to have the emcs was accompanied by feelings of unreality and being objectified. I actually said hello to them and no one responded.

Sorry to hijack

sandberry · 20/07/2013 20:28

As a midwife I would definitely advise you to complain. It is an assault, you could complain to the police. I doubt you are the only one with complaints about this midwife either.

Also I would contact the birth trauma association and see if the hospital has a counselling service which could provide support. I am sorry the birth of your daughter was spoiled for you by a midwife who should have supported you.

HenWithAttitude · 20/07/2013 20:28

My DD is 21 and the OPs post has triggered memory of my first birth and the stitching trauma after it. Awful - cant bear to relive it but I agree with get some debriefing and action should be taken against this midwife

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 20/07/2013 20:31

Hen

Sad
Phineyj · 20/07/2013 20:39

Do complain. I was treated very badly by a nurse once when I had an operation as a day case (not maternity though) and the Trust did take it seriously, apologised and investigated. Often, when something like this happens, it turns out it has happened to other people (in my case I actually witnessed this). So you could be helping others too.

MiaowTheCat · 20/07/2013 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomanyfionas · 20/07/2013 20:50

The feelings you describe sound like post traumatic stress disorder which is very painful. Do you have a nice GP you could talk to about it? I think you need a thorough debrief and possibly specialist help with the ptsd.

I agree and strongly recommend you contact the birth trauma assoiation for support, nd advice on managing your complaint. They were a life saver for me.

So sorry for your bad experience.

marriedinwhiteagain · 20/07/2013 20:52

You OK now Miaow? Their ill treatment/bad attitude never leaves you does it.

toomanyfionas · 20/07/2013 20:55

soverylucky your dismissive comments could hardly be less helpful. It is comments like yours that cause what is known as secondary trauma. Having a lovely baby does in no way remove a traumatic eperience and your suggestion that it should is staggeringly ignorant.

tillyfernackerpants · 20/07/2013 20:56

To the people saying "just move on & get over it" - you never get over BT, you just learn to live with it but anything can trigger those feelings and bring it back.

OP, I hope you're reading this thread still and can see you are not alone in how you feel about your treatment.

pianodoodle · 20/07/2013 20:57

To me this is a disgraceful way to treat anyone in such a vulnerable state - even if they don't have any specific aversion to the physical side of things, everyone deserves to be treated sensitively in this situation.

I found the actual birth was sore but felt in control as I was doing my own thing. DD came out waving so caused a bit of damage.

I was allowed to cuddle and bf her for a whole half hour before the midwife asked if I felt up to being looked at.

Lying with your legs in stirrups is not the most dignified affair and I can see how it could be very traumatic if handled by the wrong people. The nurses were pointing and wondering how best to do their repair work and I was just just lying their trying not to visualise what they might be looking at! They let me keep the gas and air, every time they did something they asked if I was OK and to tell them if it was too painful etc...

I can't imagine how I'd have felt in your position. You do not need some hard faced woman not talking or smiling and basically making you feel like some farm animal it is just appalling. I would complain as loudly as possible and I hope you are able to get the support you need to help you get over this experience.

It was absolutely assault. You made yourself clear time and time again. She also took advantage of the fact that no one was with you at the time who could speak up for you to put a stop to it.

YANBU about this in any way. X

MiaowTheCat · 20/07/2013 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JakeBullet · 20/07/2013 21:00

OP as an ex MW I am horrified by what you have described. Please please complain, this midwife needs taking to task about this. The internal sounds like assault purely and simply. As a midwife I would NEVER have treated a woman in this way

BigW · 20/07/2013 21:03

I agree with the other posters and I just wanted to add that a super quick labour and birth like yours can be very traumatic too. So look after yourself and congratulations on your new baby Flowers

marriedinwhiteagain · 20/07/2013 21:10

Emotionally mine's all faded now - factually it's still there though. DC are now 18 and 15. It wasn't until I had an amazing full term birth with dd that I (and DH too) actualluy realised how bad the previous ones were. It was the insensitivity and emotional trauma more than anything for us.

2013 and after all the reports women still come away feeling like this.

JackNoneReacher · 20/07/2013 21:13

Complain. Maybe this midwife will think twice before she assaults the next woman.

soverylucky Not sure why you think having a hard job makes it ok to assault someone who has already been through a traumatic experience.

HorryIsUpduffed · 20/07/2013 21:16

Complain. She didn't need to read your notes to think that continuing an internal examination when the patient is screaming at you to stop is wrong.

MadameJosephine · 20/07/2013 21:16

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I am a midwife and i agree with the others, this is not a normal part ofchildbirth, it is totally unacceptable. Please complain so this midwife can be prevented from treating other women so appallingly.

Congratulations on the birth of your lovely new baby Flowers

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/07/2013 21:27

Agree with Miaow.

I am the other side of the coin. I had what should have been a very traumatic birth. Started off with a water birth, ended up with failed forceps, EMCS and a massive PPH. There were alarms and sirens and people running in.

And I was fine afterwards. Even described it as a "positive experience".

Because the midwife looked after me like I was her own child. When she hugged me goodbye I didn't want to let go.

A wonderful midwife can change what should have been horrific into something that I look back on and am fine about.

IneedAsockamnesty · 20/07/2013 21:41

Absolutely complain, shocking behaviour on her behalf

edam · 20/07/2013 21:43

Mumoftwo - that's an inspiring story. Shows just what a huge difference a caring midwife can make.

Mintberry · 20/07/2013 21:49

Most of the time I don't care about things enough to complain - but this is definitely worth it! You can at least gain a little comfort from the fact that you have likely stopped another woman having to go through what you did if you do.

courgetteDOTcom · 20/07/2013 21:56

My husband wrote an article recently on a dads view of difficult birth. It was interesting how what should have been the most traumatic wasn't and what shouldn't have been, was. The difference was communication. I bet if we did a poll communication would be the factor for those who have suffered BT.

soverylucky · 20/07/2013 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/07/2013 22:04

edam Just to finish the story I had ds nearly 8 weeks ago. Due to it going so wrong last time I was given a completely free choice between ELCS and VBAC. Due to trusting the hospital I went with the VBAC. Natural birth, no drugs, slight tear, slight bleed but nothing major. And 90 perfect minutes of skin to skin with ds straight after the birth.

I suspect I have my original midwife to thank for that too.