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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think grandparents should be a bit more involved?

54 replies

ClaireandGeorge · 19/07/2013 16:38

I know I probably abu but here goes.
My mum is always boosting to anyone and everyone how wonderful ds 19 months is but she hardly puts any effort in to seeing him
If we do something its me that organises it. This week I haven't bothered therefore she hasn't seen ds at all. Speaking on the phone earlier she said oh must try and see George over the weekend. I was like hmmm because I know this will involve her and dad popping down for about half an hour before saying I must get back. She doesn't drive but there is a bus and she work 5 minutes from my house 12-3 3 days a week so could pop in after that.
They have never taken George anywhere on their own to give me a break or time with oh. babysat once since he was born and he was already in bed.
oh wants ds to go to a rugby club and I would need someone to take him when oh not here as I don't have the car. Suggested to mum dad could take him. She replied sometimes your dads busy at the weekend. I replied its only an hour first thing and other people's grandads do stuff with thier grandchildren.
I guess I'm just feeling a bit put out. Everyone else I know has really involved grandparents who constantly have their children.
It's hard as oh works away and I get lonely. Am I acting a bit spoilt brattish?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 19/07/2013 16:42

they are grandparents, not free babysitters, maybe you need to change your approach a little.

ShatnersBassoon · 19/07/2013 16:43

They're pleasing themselves, which seems fair enough to me. Grandparents aren't obliged to do anything.

Branleuse · 19/07/2013 16:45

no youre not. I dont understand hands-off grandparenting, especially if they still want/expect a close relationship with the grandchildren later.

Theres few things more special in life than a close grandparent and grandchild one, but that takes involvement, care and interest, not just boasting about them from a distance.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 19/07/2013 16:45

You can't force them to be involved more than they want. I'd organise one thing and then sit back and wait for them to do the next.

Can you get out with other mums? Do baby groups and things?

And while you can't expect them to help you out, I agree it would be nice if they wanted to help you. Otoh, when they get old, they can't expect you to help them, either.

I'm a bit confused about the rugby though - your ds is 19months, right?

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/07/2013 16:45

Yabu, a bit.

I can understand you get lonely - so go visit your mum yourself.

Babies are portable.

I know for cast iron fact when I have children my parents will not being "having them all time". They'll have them when they want to/as a favour not as routine. They'll have their own lives to lead and have done time child rearing.

elliejjtiny · 19/07/2013 16:46

Grandparents don't have to do anything. My parents have seen the DC's twice this year.

StinkyElfCheese · 19/07/2013 16:47

Its hard when they don't but you don't have a right to ask them.

We get NO help whatsoever with our 3 my friends all happily ship them off to grandmas for the weekend - I am the bloody green eyed monster.

Again judging by facebook my sister is the best aunty EVER ... if coping and pasting my pics is anything to go by, actually spending time with them... well she is too busy :)

The most hurtfull thing for us is MIL spends hours over at my SIL house to help out with her kids but sees ours once in a blue moon.... she does send them the odd postcard though

elQuintoConyo · 19/07/2013 16:48

No, I don't think 'spoilt brattish'.
DGPs tread a fine line between over-baring or uninterested. My DDad is great, my DM looks at DS from the sofa but doesn't interact. I live abroad and would expect my DM to at least play with DS when she's here, she's always going on on FB that she's coming to visit, bla bla bla. It's just how she is. She's incredibly hands on with my Dniece&Dnephew, from birth, but mine not so much.
DS is also 19mo (yay!) and DM won!t even push the pram!

Could you ask a gortnight/month in advance to BOTH patents to have your DS for an hour/afternoon, that waymaybe they can't say no as it's such a far away plan, and they will perhaps stumble over themselves thinking of different bollocks excudes not to babsit - then you've got them!

It all seems very complicated and lengthy, but I think you've just drawn the short straw DGP-wise

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2013 16:48

Do you invite them over for lunch/Sunday dinner/cup of tea?
Could you invite her for tea after she finishes work rather than expect her to just call in?

Do you go and see them?

She still works, so obviously busy. Have you talked about this to her?

theoriginalandbestrookie · 19/07/2013 17:07

Were you expecting your mother to be different? I can see why you would be upset if you had a good relationship with her prior to your DS.

If it were me I would back right off. Stop visiting them so much, make other friends. OTOH you said that they will come and visit but only for half an hour. Have you asked them when they come if they could stay whilst you nip out to the shop or if your Dad could take you whilst your Mum looked after your DS ?

I can see why your DF doesn't want to be tied to a regular commitment of taking an 18mth old to rugby tots , to be honest at that age any organised activities are more for the parents benefit than for the childs so I wouldn't worry about that one.

DuelingFanjo · 19/07/2013 17:09

They won't want to commit to something every weekend at the same time and I don't blame them. YABU really.

BreadNameBread · 19/07/2013 17:25

Sorry but I think YABU. The most important thingies that they love your son which it sounds as though they do. I think it is nice if they actually help out but it is unreasonable to expect them to.
Do you and your DH help your parents out? Perhaps, if you offered to help with some of their decorating or gardening then they may be more inclined to help you out with childcare.
It is better if you can arrange your own childcare. Is there a nieghbour with a teen who you could pay to babysit?
I promise you that you are not in the minority having parents that don't help out.

CaptainSweatPants · 19/07/2013 17:30

I think it's too much to expect grandparents to commit to a once a week activity like every Saturday morning at 9.30

They should just be there for fun, Sunday lunches etc

I don't live near any of our parents & don't expect any babysitting

Original poster

ClaireandGeorge · 19/07/2013 17:35

it's not every weekend maybe once a month. It's not really rugby just running around with a ball and crash mats. it was just an example really.
I know they don't have to do things I guess I'm just sad that they don't and don't really understand why.
I never had any intention of being a parent who constantly ships dc off to whoever will have them.
I used to see a lot of my parents but at theirs not mine. mum was very supportive when ds was small and had colic and spent time with us although still never had ds on her own. I can't go to theirs now as one if their dogs can be a bit funny.
I am always inviting them here suggesting things to do etc. got a bit fed up of always making the suggestions/effort. Sometimes they do things i suggest other times not. mum does work but it's only 3 hours 3 days a week. I do more than that.
I do go to a baby group on a Friday morning but don't seem to have made any friends to do things with. I have been making an effort to see my cousin's snd their dc but thet are busy and don't want to seem like billie no mates.

OP posts:

TarkaTheOtter · 19/07/2013 17:40

My DM has a great relationship with DD even though she only sees her less than once a month.
I think YAB a bit U and need to adjust your expectations.

YABVU about the Saturday lifts - completely understandable that they don't want to commit to this every weekend.

Wuxiapian · 19/07/2013 17:42

I can sympathize, claireandgeorge.

My DP's mother is the same - gushes about her grandchildren, but never instigates seeing them. They are a 3hr drive away and it's always us bundling ourselves up to see them. We remind them that they are welcome to ours any time!

Montybojangles · 19/07/2013 17:42

Not sure how old you and your parents are, but I'm in my 40s and look back and wonder how the jeff I had the energy to stay up and out past midnight at the weekend, or work 4 long days (13 hour shifts) in a row. Why i never had back ache or creaky knees despite all the exercise back in my 20s (even my thirties). I'm pretty sure my parents (in thier 60s obviously) have even less energy and more aches and pains than I do.

Looking after little ones is a full on thing. Especially if they are someone else's. You really can't relax, have to be constantly vigilant and on your toes. It's someone else's most precious thing you are being trusted with. Some grandparents just aren't up for it, either physically, mentally or emotionally. Don't be too hard on them. Once your DS is a bit older and easier to watch I imagine they will be more involved.

TarkaTheOtter · 19/07/2013 17:43

X-post about it being every weekend but expect its the fact that it is a regular commitment which is putting them off.

MommyBird · 19/07/2013 17:43

I am in almost the same position!
I don't mind that they only see our lg for about an hour once a week - its their choice.
What annoys me that like your parents, they act like the best grandparents, that they 'only' get to see her once a week and miss her so much..yet they're allways too busy when we try to arrange something.
Just let it go in one ear and out the other.
It's their loss if they don't see their GC alot, not your childs.

Original poster

ClaireandGeorge · 19/07/2013 17:44

yes bread we do help them out. I take the grumpy dog to the vets as he's better with me. oh decorated thier house when they wanted to move and helped paint the new one. I spent all day Saturday cooking for dads 60th birthday. they are good with other stuff like helping with shopping etc it's just ds. to be fair if I asked if they'd have him so I could do something particular they probably would but I don't like asking and it would need to be an event not just I'd like to do the food shopping on my own.

OP posts:

AaDB · 19/07/2013 17:58

Yanbu. I have the same, gushing for show and completely hands off.

MaryKatharine · 19/07/2013 18:02

You sound a little socially isolated. Did you have an NCT group when you were pregnant? Do they not still meet? Or do you go to classes such as Jo jingles or tumble tots as these are good for meeting other mums. It sounds as though you're confusing grandparenting with a social life which is making you miserable. You seem to be upset because you'd like the company as you're lonely. This is understandable as it can be a very lonely time is you don't have other baby friends. But, you need to see the two things as separate issues.
Does your Hv know of any classes or mums groups shd could put you in touch with. May be worth asking.
Fwiw, my kids have no living gps so I know how hard it can be.

Jinty64 · 19/07/2013 18:06

Ahhhhh! Dsd's baby is 19 months. He is absolutely delightful. He is so clever and so cute ........ And he never stops. Not for one minute....... Unless he is asleep and he doesn't do much of that during the day.

Dsd has chosen not to go back to work so that she can spend all her time with him and I think that was the right choice for her. I would have made that choice too if I could have afforded it but, as it is, I work full time. I have brought up step children and three of my own, the youngest still only seven and I'm done with all that. I don't want to look after him and am happy having them for lunch, an odd Chinese takeaway or an afternoon.

I see them most weeks and have looked after him alone 4 times when she has really needed me to but, if she wants regular child care then I can recommend several childminders and a nursery. That's not what I am here for.

In the event of an emergency, and there has been one, she can phone me day or night and I will go but I have no plans for more than this.

So I'm afraid, I think YABU.

BackforGood · 19/07/2013 18:19

I agree with Jinty
I'm in my late 40s and don't have the energy I had when my dc were small. I can only imagine this becoming less and not more by the time I'm a Grandparent. Obviously I'd help out my dc or SiL or DiL if they needed help, but that's different from choosing to spend a lot of time minding a small child, when I feel "I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt" and really wouldn't choose to go back there if and when I'm a Grandparent.
I've a couple of friends who do, and that's great that they love it and have the energy for it, but I don't think you can expect it of anyone.
As someone else said though - the GPs don't have such a close relationship with the GC when they get older as they would if they were more involved, but that's all part of the choice they make.

thelma3333 · 19/07/2013 18:34

OP,
i can understand why you feel let down. I have alot of support from my Mum, so i'm very lucky. But i do know people who don't have any support from their parents. I think i would be quite miffed if she never offered to look after DC's. However, a few years on and she never looks after DS. Only my older and less hard work DD. I think she's not confident with DS as he's more hard work.
Could it be that she's just not confident with looking after your DC ? or deos she seem not bothered ?
How long have you been going to toddler group ? can take months sometimes before people will talk to you on regular basis and before you make friends. Sounds like you're feeling lonely. I can totally understand that feeling. But after being SAHM for nearly 4 years now, it does get easier friends wise.

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