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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think grandparents should be a bit more involved?

54 replies

ClaireandGeorge · 19/07/2013 16:38

I know I probably abu but here goes.
My mum is always boosting to anyone and everyone how wonderful ds 19 months is but she hardly puts any effort in to seeing him
If we do something its me that organises it. This week I haven't bothered therefore she hasn't seen ds at all. Speaking on the phone earlier she said oh must try and see George over the weekend. I was like hmmm because I know this will involve her and dad popping down for about half an hour before saying I must get back. She doesn't drive but there is a bus and she work 5 minutes from my house 12-3 3 days a week so could pop in after that.
They have never taken George anywhere on their own to give me a break or time with oh. babysat once since he was born and he was already in bed.
oh wants ds to go to a rugby club and I would need someone to take him when oh not here as I don't have the car. Suggested to mum dad could take him. She replied sometimes your dads busy at the weekend. I replied its only an hour first thing and other people's grandads do stuff with thier grandchildren.
I guess I'm just feeling a bit put out. Everyone else I know has really involved grandparents who constantly have their children.
It's hard as oh works away and I get lonely. Am I acting a bit spoilt brattish?

OP posts:

CrapBag · 19/07/2013 18:39

I have given up thinking that MIL will be the type of GP that I thought actually existed!

She does nothing, offers nothing but wants DH to go around there so she can winge about her latest drama. She wants DH to take the kids around there but she'll bung the tv on and not really interact with them. Dh keeps hoping but I did tell him she won't change. she is a selfish person anyway so she isn't going to be anything else just because she has DGC.

YANBU though. I can understand them not wanting to commit to something regular but it does seem like they could make an effort. If I were you I would give up hoping because it will make you more resentful.

I know my MIL doesn't like the fact that my children are very close to my nan, but she loves spending time with them and doing things with them. MIL can't complain because she doesn't do anything like what my nan does, therefore she will never have the same relationship with her DGC.

umpti67 · 19/07/2013 18:54

It's nice if they want to but I think you have to let it go, if they don't. It might be that they are nervous about looking after such a small dc and might take more interest when they're older. Or that they just feel they've been there and done that. But you can't force it.

I know my inlaws were quite nervous about being able to run fast enough to catch mine so they did watch her whilst we went out shopping for an hour or two in the house but wouldn't take dc out. But they couldn't carry her up to bed so if they babysat we had to have a travel cot in the lounge.

I can't think of anything worse than babysitting for an evening myself. I don't have gc but yes I think I would for gc. But everyone is different.

AaDB · 19/07/2013 19:25

I go against a popular MN view and think that grand parents should help. Not necessarily helping with regular and committed childcare but they should interact. In my case interested parents have lead to interested grandparents. I'm parenting differently and will be a better grandparent.

You can only all for specific help and make other arrangements if they aren't interested.

Moxiegirl · 19/07/2013 19:28

My mum is the same, doesn't see us for weeks on end (she goes away every weekend) then moans that I never see her
She never babysits, ever. Fine, but don't be surprised that none of my children are close to you- your loss mum!

Spickle · 19/07/2013 19:38

I would have loved my DCs to have had hands-on GPs. My MIL and FIL live an hour+ journey away and have always been wrapped up in their own health issues. My parents would look after the DCs if asked, but never spontaneously, never picked them up from school or attended school events. I understood that they had all "done it, been there and got the T-shirt", and I respected this. However, now my DCs are adults it is sad that they don't feel the need to contact/visit their GPs and the relationship is not particularly close.

There is a fine line between GPs being "coerced" into looking after/being heavily involved with GCs and being so distant that GCs grow up not developing a close bond with senior members of their family. I hope that, when I become a GP, I can get the balance just right.

Kat101 · 19/07/2013 19:46

I have created distance between us and my in laws for a very similar reason. When I have my own gc I would commit if I could, even if I was knackered. I'm going to bear in mind that the parents are likely to be a hundred times more knackered than me, despite my age. Also I will never ever forget how completely bloody exhausting this is and how I eagerly took a demanding pt job to get some rest.

RoxyFox211 · 19/07/2013 20:02

Yanbu imo. Wish some of dd's grand parents were more involved for her sake & mine. Saying that totally accept that it's not up to me & it's entirely their decision. She my dc & responsibility not theirs, just would be nice for a tighter family support.

morethanpotatoprints · 19/07/2013 20:06

YABU

They are your dc, not your parents.
Many people don't have baby sitters. We didn't either, but wouldn't have expected grandparents to take the slack.

WafflyVersatile · 19/07/2013 20:23

I think if you want them to do something to help you out then you need to ask. If you want your mum to pop in after work then invite her to. They don't know you want help or company unless you ask.

Maybe they prefer kids that are older. some people like babies, some toddlers, some older kids and they might get more involved later. But maybe they just don't want to be more involved or have their own lives and routines.

dirtyface · 19/07/2013 20:26

yanbu

wish my parents were more involeved with my dcs, and dh parents for that matter

they clearly love them but whenever they have them it feels like a big favour. so dh and i almost never get time alone

they are young GPs as well, think 50's and v early 60's

Kiriwawa · 19/07/2013 20:35

BackforGood - FGS! I'm in my late 40s and have DC in primary school. Honestly, you're not an old lady in your 40s unless you have health issues or you decide to be old.

The world is pretty much run by people in their 40s.

How tragic that you feel that you're too old to cope with grandchildren

Mintyy · 19/07/2013 20:39

Kiri - did you actually read BackForGood's post? She is not a grandparent in her late 40s. She expects to become a gp when she is a great deal older.

I am 50 and my children are 12 and 9. I will be very lucky indeed if I become a grandparent before I am 70. I don't imagine I will be terribly hands-on with the dc, as my parents weren't with mine.

Original poster

ClaireandGeorge · 19/07/2013 20:41

I think some of you are right and I'm wanting the company more than anything. I was always at my parents before ds came along and close to both. now I can't go there and my mum has always been such a home bod. I think it's got worse this week as we've just lost our dog so house feels empty.

she does interact and play with ds when we see her and ds loves her and gets so excited. I think perhaps I need to ask a bit more. mil came up last weekend and as they live about 100 miles away don't get to see ds that often and she just couldn't get enough of him. I felt like I had my first rest in a long time.

all the baby groups bar one are on the 2 days I work. the nct group is on a day I work. I did go when I was on maternity leave but it was very cliquey

OP posts:

Original poster

ClaireandGeorge · 19/07/2013 20:43

also mil is 75 and she is by no means old, has more bloody energy than me!

OP posts:

Kiriwawa · 19/07/2013 20:49

Yep, I did mintyy. I find it really depressing that people are already downsizing their energy in their 40s, ready to prepare for their 50s on their arse.

I don't know what it's like to be a parent of a primary school child in your 20s but I can do that in my 40s and he's got SN and I'm a single parent and I run my own business and work pretty much full time. And it's fine, we're good :)

I'm not superwoman by any means but seriously, saying that you might find grandchildren a bit too much like hard work when you're in your 40s is pretty pathetic. Just say you can't be arsed and be honest.

Mintyy · 19/07/2013 20:52

FFS! She is not saying she would find grandchildren tiring in her 40s.

BackforGood · 19/07/2013 21:01

er- no Kiri, I'm not expecting to have grandchildren in my 40s - my youngest is just at the end of Yr6. I'm not "downsizing my energy", I'm just reporting to you that I seem to find it a lot harder to look after small children now (as demonstrated when I looked after my friends two for a couple of days last year) than I did about 12 years ago when mine were the same age as the children I was looking after. That's a fact, not a lifestyle choice I've made. I have absolutely no plans to spend the next 10 years on my arse either but I am expecting to be able to do a few more things for me, than have happened over the last 17 years, as my dc are now becoming less dependent on me being there all the time. Nothing very exciting, but just rekindling some of the hobbies that stopped when I was working and bringing up 3 small children.

s and when (or even if ) my dc have their own dc, I have no idea how I'll feel, or how fit I am, or what other circumstances will be, but I'm neither expecting my life to be put on hold to be looking after them, nor am I expecting to have the energy I had in my 20s again.

Kiriwawa · 19/07/2013 21:23

I don't even understand why you're talking about it backforgood. You're not in that position so why are you taking the grandparents POV. AFAICS either you can and want to help out with looking after your grandchildren or you don't.

mintyy - what does it matter what your parents did? Life can continue past 70 you know. My parents are in their late 70s and they still look after their grandchildren, drive halfway across Europe, hike and ski on a very regular basis. My dad has just booked his next ski trip when he'll be 81.5

Ill health is a barrier of course. Age should never be

ChubbyRose · 19/07/2013 21:41

No, YANBU.
This "they'renot free babysitters" and "they owe you nothing" attitude on mumsnet really pisses me off. I think it's pretty sad when GP's don't want to spend time with their grandchildren, both DH's and my parents are like this and I find it very difficult to understand. As a result they don't really have a bond with our DC and I find that depressing.

BackforGood · 20/07/2013 00:20

Really Kiri - can you only ever see the POV of situations you've experienced ? I don't find it difficult to empathise with people in situations I've not yet experienced at all.
I'm delighted for your parents that they are not only fit and healthy enough to do all that, but also still have the energy, but surely you must understand that not everybody is as fortunate as that ?

Salmotrutta · 20/07/2013 00:35

Right, I'm a grandparent. I'm in my 50s.

I have, categorically, got far less energy now than I did when I had my DC back in my 20s.

I work full time, I enjoy doing my own thing.

Me and DH do step up when necessary to help out but it's actually quite tiring running around after a toddler and a 4 year old when you're 50 odd.

Does that help Kiriwawa?

lovesmellingthecoffee · 20/07/2013 01:16

Well all I can say is grandparents reap what they sow. my mil was not at all interested in my dc. and as a result now she is in her 70's they are not interested in her.
she invited them round recently and they couldnt be arsed to visit her, and i didnt make a deal of it.

If she had bothered to go to the nativity plays or sports days she had been invited to i would have encouraged them to visit. but really she doesnt deserve it.

Nanny0gg · 20/07/2013 11:44

Salmotrutta "I have, categorically, got far less energy now than I did when I had my DC back in my 20s. I work full time, I enjoy doing my own thing. Me and DH do step up when necessary to help out but it's actually quite tiring running around after a toddler and a 4 year old when you're 50 odd."

Apart from the working full time part, I can echo that statement.

Love my DGC to bits. See them a lot.

And I'm knackered.

AaDB · 21/07/2013 14:50

I agree lovesmellingthecoffee. If GPs are interested in their gc, they can't expect a relationship when they are adults. I was very supportive of my GF and gave a lot of practical help before he died. We had a lovely relationship and enjoyed each other's company. My own DS will hardly know his gps. I'm don't really feel like I'll want to help our parents myself (harsh but true).

I'm so sick of my DM saying she misses my DS; I just say that she doesn't have to miss him, she could see him. Specific suggestions or invitations are batted away. She is too busy with her own life, that's how i'm going to be.

ChubbyRose · 21/07/2013 21:01

Do you think this is a recent thing, have GP's historically taken more interest and been more 'hands on'?

Both DH and my parents are divorced and all remarried, none of the 4 sets see our DC much, it's so sad.

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