When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

[orangebee1]

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

I'd be tempted to keep your choice of boy's name - and name the girl whatever the Greek name is for Georgina.

If you give in on this one it is possible that there will be a load of other backwards-thinking things they will also want you to concede on. The tactic of 'but it's always been done like that' and then guilt/histrionics when you don't comply has conveniently been used to keep women in places of subservience for generations. I know you don't identify as a feminist, and maybe your Greek family aren't too retrograde, but I am aware of cases where it can be like that.
Maybe a contraversial view - and I am not insinuating that all Greek families are retrograde, just that sometimes traditions can be oppressive.

I dunno, there's something nice about giving a child a name with some history, rather than using a fad name of the day.

Another one here with a brother who is officially xxxxyyyx. Can't put it here it would out me! And then called by his middle name which is the one my mum &dad chose together. Actually family and tradition are very important - in most cultures - and my mum took the view she'd married cross culturally and compromise was required if she was not to spend her entire married life in conflict with the inlaws ( her children's blood relations ). They Absolutely adored her as a result and as the years progressed my gran and aunts would gang up with her against my dad in family disputes!

Nobody outside the immediate family even knows that DBs official name is unusual traditional family name. He's been through school, work, plays sports so often gets written about in local papers etc. Where ever you go there is always the bit on forms that says 'name', then 'known as' ... You put whatever you like there.

Mind you it did give us girls one thing to annoy DB with when we were little... To wind up the otherwise pfbson ( ahem yep that's the big issue really) my sister and I would address him by his 'real' name and it's very cute shortened version. Tee hee ... Made up for all those times we had to do the washing up and he got off just by virtue of being a boy.

To add just another dimension to the discussion, I have a friend at school who is Harriet to everyone. She has a traditional family name followed by her parents chosen name. I cannot remember what they are. However, my point is that she told me that as a little girl she got fed up with parents and other family members calling her by different names and arguing about it. So, she told everyone to call her Harriet and refused to answer to anything else. She has the information for how to change it legally when she can.

I know quite a few people who are called by their middle name, it isn't a problem apart from occasionally having to explain. On a school register you just underline the second name. I think that I would go for tradition as the first name, have your chosen name as second name and always use it. Sometimes grandparents can be a bit difficult and use the wrong one but it stops when the child is old enough to talk and thinks they are silly.

I had a similar issue with my two sons.

DH is Portuguese and his very traditional 85 year old father strongly felt that DS1 should have DHs first name, as is Portuguese tradition.

However DH and I gave both boys English names with DHs and Grandfather's names as middle names.

I agree that this is enough, the boys have Portuguese middle names and surnames, the least I could have is an English first name -considering I carried them for nine months and gave birth to them and all!

Grandfather not best pleased... but he just calls DSs by their middle names... and pretends their first names don't exist.

So everyone happy!

Good luck OP, stick to your guns I say!

But why should the OP have to change from the names that she agreed with her husband? The babies have been born and have their names now.

Discussions about having a first name you don't use and then the name you are actually called are long past, and in any case in this circumstance are surely irrelevant because the dh's family would all use Yiorgos. A name which the OP actively dislikes (as is totally her right) and which her dh obviously wasn't that bothered about before his family kicked off.

We were planning on giving our second son a first name we didn't expect to use because we wanted to call him quite an unusual name and were looking for a bit of insurance but that was our choice (and we had dd in any case).

Orangebee could you get someone from your family to come and visit and support you? It really sounds like you need some back up while you recover from your birth and settle with your new babies.

I would just compromise- you have a lifetime with these people and a name on a certificate that you don't use seems a small price. Give 3 names so that you can keep both yours.

Stand your ground. They'll get over it but if you give in you will be in for a lifetime of resentment and anger. Be brave.

I think that the babies would prefer 2 loving parents, and a doting extended family, rather than a fragmented one over a name that you don't need to use.

If you were going to use the name it would be worth fighting for, but putting it on a certificate and forgetting isn't worth it. DS has a second name- he didn't use it upon his graduation certificate- they get asked which name/names they want on.

Tell your DH if he doesn't stick up for you you will lose all your love for him. Never mind a bit if respect.

All this giving in to the bullies.

No wonder they get away with it!

I initially also suggested that the name was used as a middle name as a compromise.

But the more I think about this, the crosser it makes me & I would feel like not using the name at all.

Especially if it was used as a middle name & the family were ignorant enough to then ignore the first name & use it instead.

But exotic, they sound like exactly the sort where nutcracker's situation would come into play, it wouldn't just be a name on a certificate, they would use it every day.

How are you today OP?

I was 'told' we should name our ds after my fil. I refused and also refused to have the name as a middle name.
My reasoning is that i also have a father. One that is much more involved in our life than fil. I wouldnt be using his name so why should I use fil's name.
I didnt want ds to have a long name with 2 middle names and then a long surname as well.
We picked a name we both loved and then I picked my dp's name as ds's middle name. Not because of tradition, but because I love my dp and he had been an amazing support during my pregnancy and in our life together before our ds.

Follow your heart and pick the name both you and your dh love. That will be your ds's name forever.

How dare he say that to you! He is joining in with his family in being a bully now.

Just for that I'd scrap it even as a middle name now (as they'd only use it and ignore whatever first name you chose) then tell them all to go to hell in a handcart until they start behaving.

I feel for you and sympathize. But I have one question. Did you KNOW he was Greek when you married him?

So, your h reckons he would "lose some respect" for you.
That's nothing to what you're in danger of losing for him.
Tell him that.

Oooh, the Greeks! I bet they also insist that the children are orthodox and brothers and sisters in law to be godfathers lol.

Given it is something you discussed and agreed upon before the birth, so no post partum haze speaking here, I would dig my heels in and have grandad's name as middle name. Make a fuss of asking the greek contingent to use his Grandad's name when dealing with the greeks, you call him whatever you decide.
I too come from two ( similar) cultures and I go by two names because both clans dug their heels in. I never minded that and makes me feel like I belong to both of them.

You will have loads of clashes like this one. Some battles you'll have to fight and some you'll just have to let wash over your head.

Call the boy SUE!!

I think the time for compromise has passed- you had already agreed names with your 'D'H. Him and his family are being absolutely awful to you- it makes me really angry on your behalf! I can't believe that you're being bullied and emotionally blackmailed like this, that you've lost your milk over it, and so many people are advising you to completely give in to the bullies and give your DS a name other than the one you have already chosen.

I wouldn't even give the grandfather's name as a middle name at this point- as others have said, it may just mean that the family refuse to acknowledge your chosen name. And aside from this, I wouldn't want to name my child after someone who would bully me (or allow me to be bullied by his family) in this way, or who would disrespect my DS by referring to him as 'the boy'. Use the names you have already chosen, and stay strong.

Congratulations on the birth of your babies, and good luck

Pick the names that you want and not what his family wants or you will regret it forever more. Fair enough they have a tradition but what about your culture and tradition? Do not back down to the bullies. If it was me I would have my dads name as the first middle name then his second.

Dig your heels, it is a silly and sexist tradition. It is all tailored to be male centric. No thought going to the female baby or female side of your family or DH family.

Also, your OP started off "ladies" which is also sexist, as we aren't all women on this site.

could you put George as his middle name and give your ds the name of your choice. if you don't want the name of his grandfather then you shouldn't have to do that. It is your baby.