When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

[orangebee1]

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

Poor you OP! I can't believe this is still going on.

Your husband has behaved appallingly over the last few days. That kind of behaviour at such a special time would have me revising my opinion of him quick smart. I can't believe he just left you like that in the hospital, when HE HAD PREVIOUSLY AGREED what was going to happen. Deceitful b*stard.

Do not change your mind, and do not have your children christened if you don't want to. My friend's DH chose their children's names, had an affair and left and she is now left with two gorgeous children but both have names she tolerates (at best).

Cannot believe some of the stuff people write on here.

Orange, I hope you are coping well, and what Boo wrote makes perfect sense to me and would indeed be a compromise. But your husband has to realise he is in the wrong here, and apologise. Otherwise it will take you a very long time to forgive him.

booboostoo your sensible and well informed posts are in danger of being lost in a sea of comments that could cause great distress to this family. Perhaps a pm to the OP?

orangebee1 if you follow some of the advice here you could end up with no children as the Greek courts say the children can't be removed from the country and grant custody to their father if you try to remove them. If you managed to get them out of the country they would have to be returned. So however much this has upset you listen to what booboostoo is saying, get your children named using the naming document and then secure in the knowledge that their legal names are the ones you chose let them call the children whatever they want as a Baptismal name.

If the relatives could be placated by a baptism using Yiorgos, then at least from what Boo has posted it looks like you could give them that, but on all the legal stuff he would be named correctly.

Why should the OP let her PILs call the child what they want. There are two cultures here and the Greek one doesn't get precedence, especially when not all Greek families follow this tradition anyway. A middle name is a good compromise.

The christening is also something that worries me - originally it only mattered if the boy was christened! The misogyny is staggering.

I would be livid if my DH had treated me this way. Especially as the OP clearly set out her position before the marriage.

OP tell your husband to grow a pair and put you first. There are thousands of Yiorgis' running round Greece (I'm currently living here). It's not as if it will die out.

Start your own tradition and name the baby what you and your dh already agreed on, they will have the hump but ultimately they will get over it.

Your husband has let you down and he has basically gotten his way after badgering you while your so vulnerable after giving birth. I don't know how you will forgive him for bullying you like this. I think this will cause a massive rift between you both but only if you let him walk on you like a doormat as he intents to do.

You are being ignored and pushed aside after bringing your lovely babies into the world and no amount of 'but it's a family tradition' should sway you from your original names.

I don't know if you will come out of this with any respect for your husband. He has disrespected you greatly by ignoring your agreement and pushing this matter when you both had it settled before he lost his back bone when his family got involved.

YANBU, stick to your guns.

No the FIL is wrapped up in a deep trauma of his own now that he's been mocked and disrespected by his family and that generations of this shitty (i'm sorry but it is) name will be lost now. It's madness, almost everyone in Greece has the same name, if i walk in a shop and say "Yiorgos" a hundred heads will turn around, i've no idea how they think this converys some sort of individualism or something special to the child, it's absurd.

I've tried to bring the subject up with a couple of family members and it's clear they don't want to discuss it with me and absolutely don't see my side of it in any case so i've left it now. And my husband is totally ignoring the issue now. It's very bleak. I understand when some people have written here to "just get over it" give the first name to them and call him something else, perhaps i am not conveying well that the issue is so much bigger than that now, it's about the way it's been handled, it's about the irreversible damage this has done to my marriage, how can i look at my husband in the same way now? The truth is i can't, i feel so hurt.

In order to get pregnant i went through countless operations, i had IVF, and nine months of a twin pregnancy - it's been a tough road, and to tell me at the end of that road that he will "lose some respect" for me is sickening, not only that but i realise - he can't lose respect for me because clearly he had none to begin with.

I really wish there was something I could do to make this better for you Orange.

I hope you have some RL support to help you thru this.

Xx

I do feel for you OP. Can any of your family come out to keep you company and help you through the next few weeks?

((((((((((((((((Soft Warm Hugs)))))))))))))))) OP.

What do you plan to do now.??

I am so sad for you :(

Can you come home for a long visit with the babies?

I'm so sorry.

You're right about your shitty husband.

What a lying scumbag - I guess he knew all along he'd move the goalposts as soon as you had a son.

Name your babies what you want, especially as it seems that there's a chance now that they might not even grow up in Greece.

Oh orange, I can't imagine how you must feel.

"he can't lose respect for me because clearly he had none to begin with."-that just has me crying for you.

I hope that you have friends/family who can be with you soon.

"he's been mocked and disrespected by his family"

Sounds a lovely family! And you're meant to show respect to people who would behave like this?

You poor, poor thing. I'd under-estimated the ramifications of all this for you. I hope you can sort it, but it kind of depends on your h stepping up to the mark really.

I don't find comments about coming home remotely helpful, as has been stated many times, you cannot just get up and walk out of a country once you have children with someone from another European country, you need the permission of other parent to do so otherwise they can be taken back off you (Hague convention).

I think some posters seem to be whipping up the hysteria rather than calming it down. Op, I feel for you, I have been in a very similar situation and felt massively let down by something my husband did after the birth of my second child, I felt angry about it for years. However, as time has gone on, I feel less angry and am glad we are together looking after the children and as a couple. I don't begin to suggest to you what to do, you will find your own way through this, but if you get too caught up being 'right' (as you undoubtedly are in this situation ) you do risk being 'unhappy'. I do think getting some RL support from your own family and friends is a good idea, and I also think approaching your husband with the 'I have supported you by coming to this country, now you need to support me' is the right way to go. I'm so sorry, I'm also sending hugs to you right now.

Congratulations on the birth of your twins!

It's your child, you should be able to pick the names and it is completely unfair and wrong to pressure you like that!

I am rarely moved to comment on these threads but your last post made me so sad for you OP :( Your DH is a useless cunt. Why don't you show him your last post and just remind him what you endured to have your twins? And maybe point out how he has stripped the joy from the whole experience? And maybe also point out that the way he has behaved means that no sane woman could respect him, least of all yourself.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation :( I wish there was something the might of MN could do but you've married into a very male-centric society. You can take a stand but the whole thing has probably harmed your marriage to the point where you might need to re-think whether you are living in the right place.

I am so angry for you :(

Oh orange, I really feel for you. My DP disappointed me hugely after the birth of DD and it took a long time to get over it. Sometimes I wonder whether it will ever truly go away. I too was away from my home and friends and felt horribly trapped.

I think you need to think of yourself here. If you think that your marriage may not last and that you may possibly think of returning to the UK (assuming that's where you're from), the name thing is even more important, isn't it?

It's so stressful having to sort all this out before the babies could travel, or you could come home to your family for a bit.

((((HUGS))))

Do you have a friend or family member from the UK who could come out and stay to 'help with the babies' for a little while?

I don't mean someone who will drop their suitcases in the hall and lay into your DH on your behalf or escalate the situation in another way.I think you need someone in RL who you can talk with about this situation, your emotions and how to express how you feel to your DH. MN is great but I don't think it's what you need right now.

Your emotions must be really overwhelming at the moment. They would be after what you've been through without all this. I think you're doing really well to keep a sense of perspective on this. How you haven't lamped your DH I don't know.

I think you need to take a break from this and concentrate on some positives for a few days. If you let the matter drop for a while will the in-laws do the same or will they think you've given in and start using their name for him?

I agree with Angelico in pointing out to him how he has made this a different experience to the one joyful one you absolutely deserved and he does not have your respect.

I am sad for you and I also hope you can get some RL support from your own family.

I agree with Clam what an awful way for the family to behave towards the grandfather, it all sounds way out of my experience

So what were you thnking of naming your son, OP? We never discussed what we were going to name any potential kids in our mixed culture marriage. I'm surprised he committed to you before your marriageabout the naming and christening - and that they were conditions you had before marrying. The compromise does sound okay to me except the christened name is the one that everyone in Greece will call him by - not exactly a bad thing in where being Greek and being named Tyler or somesuch would get him some pretty odd looks.

Oh Sweetheart. Your last post is so heart wrenching.

I'm so sorry OP, you're being treated really shabbily at a time when it should be joy and celebrations.

I hope your babies at least are bringing you happiness.

Sorry you are having such a crap time OP.

I don't have any family in the UK who can help me here unfortunately, i'm pretty much on my own.

My husband's sister was here for a week and now his niece, they are both helping and have always been kind to me but made it clear they don't want to get into a discussion on the name - which is probably very sensible if i'm honest.

What kills me is that i have to call the babies "the boy" and "the girl" because nothing's been decided as yet. Everytime i say "the boy needs feeding" or "the girl needs changing" i get more and more angry, it seems so wrong for them not to have names.

Unfortunately they both have silent reflux so we are on a gruelling feeding schedule here every hour almost so it's hard to find time to talk with my husband. I have asked him today to see a marriage counsellor with me, he said we would talk first and then afterwards see one, this is very positive because at least it means we can finally discuss it and perhaps he now understands how serious the issue is.