When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

[orangebee1]

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

"take a couple of days of 'family' time no visitors just you the DC and your DH. Don't talk about names just enjoy each others company. "

Seriously, OhMerGerd ? You think the OP's husband, after what he has said to her and what he is trying to get her to agree to, would do that. Sure he will.

You didn't think to talk about this in the entire 9 months you had before having twins? Seriously, are you mad?

Indeed, WhereYou, because he's an evil bastard.

And you know that for sure how exactly?

KobayashiMaru I see you haven't actually bothered to read any of the OP's posts then?

I have, thanks. I don't think it possible that this reaction couldn't have been anticipated.

I do think it would help if people actually read the whole thread and discovered OP was living in Greece! It makes a huge difference!
The 'lovely old man with his dream' is emotional blackmail. He had his turn naming his own children.i don't think OP should give up her choice in that when she is a lovely old lady she will be given 'her dream'- it is highly unlikely!
My father had a dreadful name and I wasn't inflicting it on my DSs, even as a second name. My grandfather's name was even worse- utterly dire!

It's in the OP that she lives in Greece.

Well then Koba it should be quite clear that the OP set out her thoughts on the matter very early on, not naming a son after the grandfather was agreed by them both prior to marriage. Why her DH has done a complete turnaround and allowed himself to be dictated to by his family is another matter, but not really something the OP herself can control is it?

.

Can I just say, I bloomin love the name Yiorgos!!

I come from an Italian Catholic family and when my mum and dad married, my dad promised that I wouldn't be named after my paternal grandmother (tradition).

Then I was born and my dad wanted me named after his mum. My mum was fairly unimpressed, but I am known by my middle name and have been all my life. My first name was just a polite nod.

But... it has been a pain in the arse in terms of paperwork, and I hate the name (not to mention I have about 5 other cousins with the same name - had I been known as my first name it would have been fairly confusing) but most of all, I dislike the intention behind it. Naming a child comes down to what their parent(s) choose, not the extended family.

Furthermore, Koba, the names she and her husband chose for their twins was agreed between them, before the babies were born. Her husband didn't worry about tradition then.

Yes, thats my point. He clearly should have done, he knows his own family and their traditions, how dense is he? And I'd hazard a guess OP herself knew that their choices wouldn't be greeted with joy. They should have talked much more about it, and told the family ahead of time that they were picking their own names.

My brother goes by his middle name and I didn't know this until I was about 15. Mum and dad has different name choices but dad registered the birth so put his preference first but noone has ever called him that. He is always known by his middle name (mum's first choice).

My grandpa had the same thing and I didn't know until I found his death cert about 35 years after he died - he was always 'Ed' from his middle name Edward. I thought my granma was going daft when she referred to him as Andrew a couple of times before she died.

Of course, this could be a weird Scottish thing.

Sadly for the OP, even if she wasn't too bothered by the name, she will bloody hate it now.

Whoever said get on the next plane home, I hope that was a joke. You cannot take children out of the country without the permission of the father/mother, and as someone else said, they need a passport (and hence a name!)

I think that although there is a lot of hurt, it makes sense to calm it all down, think through what you want the end result to be, and try to get to that. All this demanding apologies/carrying on distress/leaving in high dudgeon, yes, this is very upsetting and sometimes your husband does disappoint you at a time when you needed support, but perhaps those conversations are for another time. I guess your husband was behind you initially but had no idea just how strongly his family would feel- he should back you now, but I think anything inflammatory/facebooking is exactly the wrong thing to do. You will have to compromise in a mixed culture relationship, you just have to, if they have a different religion, culture and traditions, it's once you start making choices that the real hard work starts (easy to fall in love with a handsome foreigner, less easy to live your life the way you want it in his culture).

I know that it is in the OP- someone didn't get that far as they said it didn't matter as the Greek grandparents would be over here very often!

The OP has had 3 children not just the one, she probably has had full choice of the other 2, but is being asked to compromise on just 1. Her dh may have regretted after the first child which is why he has changed his mind now. If the op had no choice in naming any of the existing children it may be different, but i dont think her dh naming one child out 3 is outrageous.

All names should be a compromise. None of mine have either my first choice or DH's first choice- we kept going until we had agreement and we didn't discuss it with anyone before they were born and then we announced it. We told grandparents first but it was not negotiable!

OP I just found some more info on the website of the Marousi Mayor's office (chances are that is not your local mayor's office but the law should be the same across jurisdictions).

In case you do not read Greek it says that:
There is a form for giving your child his/her name (onomatodosia), both parents need to submit this in person and with their IDs. If one parent cannot be present, the other has to have a notorised permission to act alone which must mention the chosen name.

Should you chose to baptise the child after this is done you may do so and you may also use for the baptism a different name than that initially selected. The name will then only affect the Church documents and not the legal documents. Should you want to add the Baptismal name to the legally approved name you will need to petition the court.

www.maroussi.gr/frontoffice/portal.asp?cpage=RESOURCE&cresrc=150&cnode=183

This explains the birth register which needs to be done by the father with a document supplied to you by the hospital within 10 days of the birth - no first name is required.

www.maroussi.gr/frontoffice/portal.asp?cpage=RESOURCE&cresrc=78&cnode=179

i dont think her dh naming one child out 3 is outrageous

Except previously, he fully agreed with the OP about disregarding the tradition. He's changed his stance, and then told her he's 'lost respect for her' for wanting to stick to the original choice.

I think that either parent forcing through a name is outrageous - you simply keep going until you find an acceptable one.

I think I would lock your DH out and let him go stay with his parents if he is so at their beck and call. Man or mouse? Totally 100% mouse sorry.

Surely you will lose respect for him of he forded the issue and fails to support you as a new vulnerable mother.

I am sorry you are being put through this stress, orange. Those grandparents should be down on their knees in gratitude that their three lovely grandchildren are growing up in their country where they have the opportunity to know and love them. How many Greek grannies and grandads must hardly see their grandchildren these days, with all the young people being pushed into emigration.

The fact that it is you who have moved to their country does not mean you have to capitulate to every tradition - it is exactly the opposite. They need to sit up and pay attention to how much you have already compromised in living away from your own culture, family and friends. And that goes for your husband too. Is there any way he will listen to this - along the lines of "look, every single day we have lived here has been me embracing your culture and putting my faith in it being the best thing for our family at this time. Now I need you to step up and have faith in me when I ask this one thing of you."

That is an intelligent, diplomatic approach Second. I hope the OP takes heed.