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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to have loved the space with dh away for a week? is it a sign I should break up with him?

60 replies

thispunderfullife · 17/07/2013 14:37

Dh and I haven't had separate holidays in years. He has been away for a week and I have loved it. Loved it. Skipped about the house, sang in the shower, giggled with my ds, hung out with the neighbours, loved every second. Fallen asleep blissful every night totally happy. I've been with dh for about 7 years .... am I being unreasonable to think this is A big sign that we should break up, or is this a usual feeling among people in long relationships?

OP posts:
Dededum · 17/07/2013 14:40

My mother (happily married for nearly 50 years) was just joking that my dad was in the States working and it was lovely to have time to herself.
So no I think it is a sign of a good relationship.

squeakytoy · 17/07/2013 14:40

I love it when my husband works away, and I love having short breaks away with my friends too.. it doesnt mean I should break up with him. I married him, I didnt become fused to him... we can do things apart and still be happy.

AuntieMaggie · 17/07/2013 14:40

Imo this is usual.

allaflutter · 17/07/2013 14:40

do you mean you can't even skip around the house or sing in the shower when he's around? does he comment negatively? in this case, you probably shouuld split up. Or is it the case that you are just too busy with him around (talking, cooking etc) and don't feel like singing/skipping?

Lovemynailstoday · 17/07/2013 14:43

Don't worry about it. It's great to have your own space. My Dh just moved back into our bedroom after a week on the couch with drippy summer cold. I'm a bit Hmm

Purple2012 · 17/07/2013 14:44

It's normal. I enjoy the odd bit of time at home on my own. It doesn't mean I'm not glad to see my husband when he gets home. I am off work this week and he is working day shift for the rest of the week. I am enjoying just pottering around doing my own thing but will be happy to see him when he gets home.

Original poster
thispunderfullife · 17/07/2013 14:51

Well it's more that he is relatively needy in alot of ways and requires a lot of 'tending' if you know what I mean. We talk for hours about lots of stuff but he also needs alot of focus.... And we argue quite a lot, an upsetting row at least once a week, so it was especially nice knowing my mood was my own

OP posts:
monsterhigh · 17/07/2013 14:54

I love having space to myself too, am already looking forward to DH going to visit his parents abroad next month! I don't think it indicates anything about your relationship. But your second post is a bit worrying with the regular rows, it sounds like there is a lot of tension in the house when he's around, and perhaps that's why you felt more relaxed without him there?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/07/2013 14:55

It is normal.
I like it when DH takes the children to visit his family and I have the whole place to myself for a bit. I tidy up and an hour later its still tidy Shock.

I'm not planning to give my children away because of this.

Original poster
thispunderfullife · 17/07/2013 14:55

Yeah, once a week, quite a lot, would you say?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 17/07/2013 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Numberlock · 17/07/2013 14:59

I think it would be abnormal to not enjoy spending time apart from your partner.

defineme · 17/07/2013 15:00

He sounds very hard work. I have 3 kids who are hard work: I don't need a dh who's hard work. My dh needs to work with me and be a team. Obviously we support each other if shit happens, but it's equal.

You sound as happy as I was when my twins went to school-high as a kite I was because the responsibility had been lifted.
I really don't think this is a normal way to feel about your dh.

I enjoy having the whole bed and being in sole charge of the tv, but something is missing when dh is away and I miss talking to him.

If you wouldn't miss him at all, it sounds like time to look at your relationship.

MaxPepsi · 17/07/2013 15:01

My friends all think I am mad because I insist, yes insist, on not just a seperate bed to my DH but a seperate room

I also love the fact that he works shifts so 2 nights every 6 days are spent in total isolation in the house with just the dog for company.

However, you possibly need to stop pampering to his every need and concentrate on yourself a bit more.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 17/07/2013 15:02

I skip round the house when my DH is away too but I like him being at home as well.

How did his return make you feel? If it was met by a sinking feeling I'd say that was much more of a concern than skipping round and enjoying the space created by his absence.

defineme · 17/07/2013 15:02

Once a week is a lot to have an upsetting row-dh and I frequently disagree, but I must find a row upsetting about once a year.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/07/2013 15:04

I think you have to look at rows in context. If you are both under a lot of pressure at the moment then you can both have a short fuse and so react a bit more sharply than you would otherwise.

Habitual rows can also be an issue i.e. once a week you churn over one of a regular series of topics that you never agree on. The trick with these is to walk away and not engage (it only takes one of you to do this).

If the rows are personal or involve negative criticism or you feel you have to walk on eggshells around him then that is a different matter.

wonderingsoul · 17/07/2013 15:06

i dont think it was the time away that indicates you have a problem.

its him and his needs. having a major row once a week is prob not healthy,

Sparkletastic · 17/07/2013 15:13

I was going to say not a problem and I love the occasional break from my DH, but your further post caused me to reconsider. Do you think about separating when he is around too?

littlepeas · 17/07/2013 15:19

I love a bit of space from my dh, but love his company too. If you are not feeling the latter then maybe you need to reconsider your relationship.

BadLad · 17/07/2013 15:32

I am working from home this week, and it is fantastic getting up whenever I feel like it, working slobbed out on the floor in my underpants constantly snacking, with music DW doesn't like playing.

I still look forward to seeing her in the evenings.

The only snag is the hurried clean up before she gets home.

I think from your OP it is nothing to worry about - the rowing in your second post is more concerning if it is constantly upsetting you.

OHforDUCKScake · 17/07/2013 15:43

What BadLad said, the first post sounded normal. The second one sounded like really hard work, I feel for you.

GrimmaTheNome · 17/07/2013 15:46

Is his neediness 'normal' for him or is it that he's going through something particularly stressful at the moment?

There are spells when what you've written sounds a little like me and DH...but its not the norm, he is a 'D'H and we've been together over 30 years.

Would you feel better or worse if when he went away you knew he wouldn't be back in a week?

FobblyWoof · 17/07/2013 15:50

It's not a sign in itself that you should split up, but your OP speaks volumes. Is it the case that everything you listed in that first post is something you either don't do or feel you can't do when DH is home? Obviously I get the falling asleep bit, especially in this bloody heat, but laughing with your DS? Do you not do this when DH is home?

ChippingInHopHopHop · 17/07/2013 15:51

It is normal to enjoy having the place to yourself for a bit :)

It is not normal nor desirable that he's 'needy' and needs a lot of 'tending to' or that you have upsetting rows once a week. It sounds like you are pretty stressed by the relationship - that he takes from your life rather than adds to it.

See how you feel when he comes home.

Are there any changes you could make to your relationship that would make you happier or do you really think it's time to get out of a relationship that is so clearly dragging you down? Life is too short to spend it unhappy.