To think the headteacher is wrong

[LizardVisard]

Long time lurker... DD1 is 12, in year 7 and is quiet, hard-working and has a tight group of friends, mostly girls. She was recently hauled into the headteacher's office, along with two boys, about bullying a boy in her class. The boy in question has no SEN but she says his parents recently divorced and no-one really likes him. She swears she hasn't said anything mean to him, no verbal or physical bullying at all, and the headteacher confirmed the boy hadn't accused her of that (though he did accuse the others) - but he is lonely and wants to be friends with her. She's told me (through her tears) that he stares at her in lessons and she finds him "creepy" and quite intimidating. The headteacher has told her she has to make an effort to include him at breaktimes. She is torn between wanting to do as the teacher has said, and really not liking the boy. She spends her lunchtimes with her girly friends who categorically don't want to have this boy join them. AIBU to think WTAF? Surely at 12 children can make their own decisions about who to be friends with?

This HT needs reminding of her duty of care. Suicidal thoughts and self harming, she should be phoning the boys parents and ensuring he has an emergency A&E mental health assessment immediately. Whether he is having these thoughts as a result of bullying, SN's or his parents divorcing, is irrelevant.

In primary, as in secondary, there would be a school counsellor and a school nurse. There should be in a middle school too. Where are they? Why are they not involved in his care? Why hasn't your dd's class teacher at least asked her how she feels about this boy, before dd was even put in the picture for this responsibility.

OP, absolutely put a stop to this now. The effect it is likely to have on your dd could be very long lasting.

jux none of those services will be in place for this boy if they are unaware of his other problems.

I don't see how they can be unaware of his problems. If he is self harming in class surely the teacher would have noticed?

He needs professional help and the school are failing him by not picking up on this. I would have thought that it be easier to spot in a smaller school.

It's not up the the ops DD to deal with this, it's too much for her. If is the op I would be taking the HT about the problems the boy is having that her DD had told her about.

Telling someone to be his friend is not going to help him, he needs to be taken seriously by a professional.

In dd's school children were just descended upon by the counsellor if the school was aware that there were ANY problems - impending/recent split of parents being the most common.

That's a good point Jux. surely the teacher would know about the parents split and look out for the pupil?

Looking out for a pupil and being aware of a difficult family situation is different from identifying self harm and other issues this boy seems to have.

Or are you expecting the boy to just blurt out... in addition to bullying I have an unhealthy fixation with a girl in my class and I'm hurting myself to help deal with my anxiety and depression.

No, I wouldn't; but I do know that several of dd's friends were taken out of class at least once a week in order to talk to the school counsellor, whether they wanted to talk to her or not. This would go on for terms and terms until the counsellor was either satisfied that things were being dealt with by a different agency, ie CAMHS, or the pupil had told her to f* off. There is absolutely no way she would have missed self-harming, or a child being bullied.

OP, it sounds like this school is simply not that good pastorally.

Oh dear, I really feel for your dd. And the poor lad, of course, but he is not your dd's responsibility and clearly his problems are beyond her ability to solve - even if she wanted to. She should not be forced into a friendship with a child who makes her uncomfortable and she should not be exposed to his self-harming, suicidal thoughts and what would be classed as stalking if he were older. I'm NOT having a go at him, poor boy is clearly very troubled, and appears to have SN of some kind, even if unrecognised/diagnosed, but the teachers should be managing this, not dd.

I'm sure you've told her you will support her, and talk to her teachers, and explained it is not her responsibility to sort out all his problems - feel some empathy and avoid bullying/challenge or report bullying of course but NOT have to deal with all this very serious and upsetting stuff.

FWIW I had a friend in Year Six who was very troubled. New girl, we'd been asked to be nice to her, and I took her under my wing. It was very difficult. She had less dramatic problems than this boy, but some of the behaviour in terms of following around, staring, dependency and need for attention was similar. I had chosen to befriend her, though, so it was easier for me - hard but something I'd taken on, if you know what I mean. It is tough enough when you've chosen to help someone who is different and unpopular and troubled, I don't think anyone should be forced into that.