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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the headteacher is wrong

134 replies

LizardVisard · 17/07/2013 13:30

Long time lurker... DD1 is 12, in year 7 and is quiet, hard-working and has a tight group of friends, mostly girls. She was recently hauled into the headteacher's office, along with two boys, about bullying a boy in her class. The boy in question has no SEN but she says his parents recently divorced and no-one really likes him. She swears she hasn't said anything mean to him, no verbal or physical bullying at all, and the headteacher confirmed the boy hadn't accused her of that (though he did accuse the others) - but he is lonely and wants to be friends with her. She's told me (through her tears) that he stares at her in lessons and she finds him "creepy" and quite intimidating. The headteacher has told her she has to make an effort to include him at breaktimes. She is torn between wanting to do as the teacher has said, and really not liking the boy. She spends her lunchtimes with her girly friends who categorically don't want to have this boy join them. AIBU to think WTAF? Surely at 12 children can make their own decisions about who to be friends with?

OP posts:
TheOriginalSteamingNit · 17/07/2013 14:31

Ah ok, perhaps I misunderstood: when OP said that her dd's friendship group was 'mostly girls', and those girls 'categorically don't want to have this boy join them', I thought these two boys were among the boys in the mostly-girl group. BUt actually that's not necessarily logical: sorry.

RustyBear · 17/07/2013 14:32

TheOriginalSteamingNit - the OP has said that her DD doesn't really know the bullying boys, so I'm not sure where you get the 'hanging round with [known] bullies' from....

RustyBear · 17/07/2013 14:33

X-post

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 17/07/2013 14:36

I did miss that post, and I apologise.

I also didn't mean anything perjorative if she was: I do know how it is when a child's friendship group has some meaner kids in it, and that some children find that quite difficult to deal with. You know, they're your friends, and they like you and you like them - at the same time, they're not very nice to some people. Both mine have experienced this, so I'm not saying it makes the child in question at fault, even when it is the case. But I'm sorry I assumed the boys were her friends.

curryeater · 17/07/2013 14:39

this is why people who say "home educating is inadequate because of the social side" are wrong, wrong, wrong. Everything you learn about socialising in school is twisted and wrong and bad preparation for real life.

If this were a work situation it would be obvious that you are polite to the person you don't really like, you work with them pleasantly where appropriate, but you don't have to go to lunch with them. Drawing this sort of pleasant-but-not-friends line in the sand is impossible in the pressure cooker of school where pleasantness is insanely loaded, peer-pressure nastiness is always just around the corner, and figures of authority can tell you who to be friends with and ask you to ignore things that make you uncomfortable.

snowmummy · 17/07/2013 14:46

Whilst I feel sorry for the boy, he is not your daughter's responsibility. Speak to the HT.

LisaMed · 17/07/2013 15:08

Looks like the other thread has been deleted. The one from the boy's mum's side. Oooops.

OneStepCloser · 17/07/2013 15:10

I think it would be best to speak to the HT first and find out exactly what was said and clarify what happened.

YouTheCat · 17/07/2013 15:13

What other thread, LisaMed? Confused

SantanaLopez · 17/07/2013 15:14

Maybe you have the wrong side of the stick- your DD sits next to this boy in Maths, and they get on okay. So boy goes to headteacher, headteacher asks if there is anyone he gets on okay with, and of course he answers your DD. 'Pushing' them together is wrong but maybe some compassion wouldn't go amiss.

Cherriesarelovely · 17/07/2013 15:19

Curryeater....that is a rather sweeping statement! Nearly everyone on this thread has agreed that the HT was wrong and for what it's worth this wouldn't happen in the school where I work or where Dd goes. If it did she and I would object most strongly.

Cherriesarelovely · 17/07/2013 15:20

You paint a very scarey, negative picture of school life. I'm truly sorry if that was your experience though.

Groovee · 17/07/2013 15:27

I think the head may have handled this all badly. Best thing to do is get an appointment with the head ASAP and take it from there.

defineme · 17/07/2013 15:35

I feel so so sorry for that boy. The headteacher is being a twit. The best thing to do would be to encourage him to join lunch time clubs he's interested in and the support centre should have a social place for vulnerable kids to eat lunch and make friends.

starfishmummy · 17/07/2013 15:38

I am puzzled about why the girl was hauled into the headacher with the bullies if she isn't a bully.

If she isn't a bully then the headacher sounds out of order for lumping them together.

IloveJudgeJudy · 17/07/2013 15:46

I may be being harsh here, OP, but you said above that your DD is lovely and quiet and wouldn't be a bully. The horrible girl who bullied my DD for years and years and has caused my DD to visit CAMHS atm, well the girl's mother would and has said the same thing about her DD. In fact, if I didn't know better, I would say the same thing about the other girl. I suggest to you that maybe you don't know all the facts and that is why your DD was brought to the HT. It seems a bit weird that she has been, doesn't it.

I would contact the HT myself and get the whole story. You may be upset when you learn the whole truth, though. Teenagers often skew things through their own view (as does everyone, but they do it more markedly as they are still learning).

I think the being in a group who are looking over at the boy and then whispering is a really rotten thing to do. Imagine if it were your DD who were on the outside and had no friends. That would be different, wouldn't it?

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 17/07/2013 15:51

I'm surprised it was the head, rather than head of year - it does all seem a bit odd on the school's part, to be honest, if we have the full story.

I still stand by my other posts about the conversations I'd want to have, just without the bit about her actually being friends with the boys who were also called in, if she's not.

FobblyWoof · 17/07/2013 15:55

Head teacher is so wrong.

Firstly, he should not have hauled her up and told her what to do as if she was doing something wrong. He could have spoken with her privately about perhaps making an effort with this boy and she would have then had a chance to voice her concerns.

And he really should be encouraging the boy to try and make a variety of friends. I'm not saying he's not doing this but trying to force a friendship is idiotic at best.

RedHelenB · 17/07/2013 16:09

It does seem very odd that the Headteacher of a secondary school is dealing with this, usually other pastoral staff would be helping re friendships.

It may well be that if she did befriend him he would gain confidence to find other friends OR she finds he isn't creepy like she thinks. I know my dd buddied someone this year in Y7 who had emotional difficulties (no idea what this person was like beforehand) and they sort of dropped away from her when they were ready.

EduCated · 17/07/2013 16:20

No-one, but no-one, should be forced into being friends with someone. Polite, civil, maybe, but insisting that she socialises with him when she doesn't want to is definitely not going to teach about healthy relationships.

EduCated · 17/07/2013 16:22

I can't imagine it would be particularly helpful for the boy in question, either. Shouldn't the school be supporting him with social skills to find friends who like him and who want to be friends with him, rather than setting him up for being disliked even further, because he will be known for being forced onto people?

A 12 year old girl should not have to provide the pastoral support he needs from the school.

Original poster
LizardVisard · 17/07/2013 16:51

Sorry, I should have said earlier that it's a middle school for years 5-8. It's a small school, less than 500 students, so there aren't really pastoral staff or heads of year. All the children know each other so she knows the bullying .

DD1 said that this boy stared at her and made her feel uncomfortable a few months ago and that other children were teasing her saying he fancied her. I told her to ignore it and that's the last I'd heard about him until now.

I went in to talk to the headteacher but he wasn't in as had left early for an appointment. I'll try calling him tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
LizardVisard · 17/07/2013 16:56

... Missed out some of my sentence: All the children know each other so she knows the bullying boys, but isn't friends with them. Her friends are mostly girls and don't include those boys.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 17/07/2013 17:10

I agree she shouldn't be asked to be a special friend to this child at all, you have to tel him that. But it may be worth talking through what it would feel like to be this boy, with no friends and his parents getting divorced. I was astonished to hear the way my 9 year old and her friends talked (when they thought I wasn't listening) about a girl in their class, it was very negative, pointing out all her faults (she's nasty, she's this and that), affirming they didn't like her and so on. This girl is from a foreign country and had only recently joined the class- so I challenged my dd that although she may not be actively bullying this child, she needed to be very very careful she wasn't joining in excluding her, saying things behind her back, and to think about how difficult it was for the child. She reports now it's much better and she really likes the girl, there was definitely some prejudice driving this dislike on the part of the girls.

It is very easy for a pack mentality to form, and for a group to bond through excluding or disliking someone, this could be a good opportunity to talk about this; I would establish your dd does not need to be special friends with him though, just be polite and nice and not join in any nastiness at all.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 17/07/2013 17:20

You need to hear what was said from the HT with an open mind.