Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the headteacher is wrong

134 replies

LizardVisard · 17/07/2013 13:30

Long time lurker... DD1 is 12, in year 7 and is quiet, hard-working and has a tight group of friends, mostly girls. She was recently hauled into the headteacher's office, along with two boys, about bullying a boy in her class. The boy in question has no SEN but she says his parents recently divorced and no-one really likes him. She swears she hasn't said anything mean to him, no verbal or physical bullying at all, and the headteacher confirmed the boy hadn't accused her of that (though he did accuse the others) - but he is lonely and wants to be friends with her. She's told me (through her tears) that he stares at her in lessons and she finds him "creepy" and quite intimidating. The headteacher has told her she has to make an effort to include him at breaktimes. She is torn between wanting to do as the teacher has said, and really not liking the boy. She spends her lunchtimes with her girly friends who categorically don't want to have this boy join them. AIBU to think WTAF? Surely at 12 children can make their own decisions about who to be friends with?

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 17/07/2013 17:26

I totally agree that no one should have friendships forced upon them. It is artificial and not positive for anyone. On the other hand, a pack of girls deciding a boy "creeps them out" is a form of bullying. It is basically ostracism, especially if the boy has done nothing wrong.

I think the subtle message is that one needs to find a way to be inclusive and kind without necessarily forming a friendship, kind of like how decent people deal with difficult colleagues at work.

SoupDragon · 17/07/2013 17:27

Wouldn't it have made more sense to insist some boys include him at break time? Isn't trying to make him the only boy in a group singling him out more?

larrygrylls · 17/07/2013 17:28

Tend to agree with soup.

SoupDragon · 17/07/2013 17:28

He has, apparently, been staring at the OPs DD. Is she not allowed to feel uncomfortable about that? I've been stated at when I was at work and its horrible.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 17/07/2013 17:30

I agree ILJJ

And i've been on both sides of this particular fence. One DC bullied by the alpha and ostracised by other, ordinarily lovely, children in the group, and my other DC taking part in some unpleasant behaviour in the name of being in a group.

It happens because children are
Earning, and trying to negotiate difficult relationships, which frankly, many adults don't manage all that well.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 17/07/2013 17:30

children are learning

cocolepew · 17/07/2013 17:39

It's not a pack of girls deciding that the boy creeps them out, it's the ops DD.

bumblebeaver · 17/07/2013 17:42

I taught English once, at a residential school. One kid was very socially inept and not getting on well. I put him in a group for an activity with a very nice, sensible girl and the most popular boy and things worked out well for him. I expect that's what the head is trying to do, give him an 'in' into friendship. Very misguided indeed to stretch it to out of class activities though.

Original poster
LizardVisard · 17/07/2013 18:33

Well, it gets worse Sad

I took DD1 for a walk away from DD2 and DH to see if I could get her to be more friendly to the boy and explain how he might be sad about his parents' divorce. She got increasingly annoyed then burst into tears again. It turns out he's been stabbing his hands and arms with compass points and pens during lessons, and he's had a lot of time off this term. He's also written things on his pencil case like 'I want to die' and... DD1's name. Apparently he's been following her around at lunchtime and she's been getting teased by other children who say she's his girlfriend. She's scared of him, finds him creepy and doesn't want to be around him, to the extent where she sometimes hides in the loo at break.

I really don't know how to deal with this Sad

OP posts:
EduCated · 17/07/2013 18:40

Right, you need to arrange to speak to the HT. Right now, they are not helping your DD, and they certainly don't appear to be helping this boy, either.

You need to ask what they plan to do to support your DD and make it clear that she is not to be expected to socialise with this boy or provide him with support, as it is inappropriate in the given circumstances.

GreenSkittles · 17/07/2013 19:11

Because this boy has some kind of crush she should feel obliged to 'be nice' to him? What a horrendous message to give to a 12 year old girl. Your priority is your daughter OP. It's sad that this boy has problems, but your daughter shouldn't be dragged into it just because he likes her. If I were in your shoes I would insist that she is moved away from him in maths, or that a TA sits at the table to monitor his behaviour.

It will be far more appropriate for the school to find him a suitable male friend, as there will be less unhealthy subtext.

Anyway, the school should not be trying to get a pupil to take care of a disturbed child. They should be focusing on getting him expert care.

BatwingsAndButterflies · 17/07/2013 19:27

The head needs to know this as soon as possible for all the childrens' sakes.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 17/07/2013 19:38

Speak to the HT. It's good she felt able to tell you what's been goong on. School needs to know asap.

soapboxqueen · 17/07/2013 19:52

From the information here, I fail to see how the head teacher has acted incorrectly. A child has reported that he is being bullied and feels isolated. The head teacher has asked the child who he is friendly with and he has said the op's Dd. The head has then asked her if she can make a special effort to include him at break times. which for most teens will mostly be standing around and chatting out playing on phones. By the sounds of it, this is a crucial time when he is excluded from any social groups which is bullying. There is no information on the use of other social integration methods or lack there of, so comment cannot be made.

There is no indication that the head teacher is aware that the op's daughter is so uncomfortable around this boy or that he is aware of the self harming being displayed.

OP when you speak to the head, tell him exactly what your Dd told you. explain that she is very upset by his behaviour and that you feel the relationship is unhealthy. As such you cannot agree to your Dd having even more contact with him. Infact you should request that your Dd is moved during her maths lessons as she should not have to deal with his issues on her own.

frogspoon · 17/07/2013 20:00

It isn't really the headteacher's fault.The head asked her to spend more time with a lonely boy who said he would like to be friends with your DD.

Your daughter did not tell the head, or anyone else, that this boy makes her feel uncomfortable and has been following her around. If she had, the head may have acted differently.

You need to make an appointment to see the head, possibly with your DD present to work out a solution. I'm sure if the head knew that the boy was upsetting your DD, he would not have asked her to be friendly with the boy.

bumblebeaver · 17/07/2013 20:02

Being excluded from social groups is not bullying is it Confused?

It sounds like the school need to know exactly what's going on with this child so they can help him.

soapboxqueen · 17/07/2013 20:06

Yes it is.

bumblebeaver · 17/07/2013 20:14

Is it? So if I don't want to play with someone, I'm bullying them?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/07/2013 20:42

It's the type of thing that would work well for someone dd's age. (She's 3.) Not sure it is appropriate for 12 year olds. Especially a 12 year old of the opposite sex. (My memory is that from 12 - 14 there was a distinct sex split with friendships. It stopped when it occurred to us that we wanted boyfriends and we were unlikely to get one if we never spoke to any boys!)

ljny · 17/07/2013 20:43

It is the headteacher's fault. He took the lazy way out.

He potentially endangered this girl by instructing her to ignore her discomfort from a male she finds 'creepy'. What kind of life lesson is that for a young girl?

He called her up along with two bullies. Lazy. He made no effort to ask if she liked the kid.

He's a professional in charge of pre-teens and he found it appropriate to identify a girl - not another boy - to befriend this boy?

So glad the girl has a mum who will stick up for her. If this is the best the school can I offer, I feel really sorry for that boy, who obviously needs a lot of help.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/07/2013 20:53

Agree with ljny.

Also Thinking about it it is a really bad message to send to a child - be kind to the bullied unhappy lad with no friends and you too could be called into the head's office and told you have to be friends with him.

Gee - Op's dd is really going to be jumping up and down to be kind in the future.

soapboxqueen · 17/07/2013 21:09

bumblebeever we aren't talking about playing outside of school or general socialising. If a child is being excluded from all social groups then it is bullying.

Apply this to a work place. If your colleagues refused to talk to you, made you sit at a separate table for lunch etc would you not feel excluded? Would it be acceptable?

SoupDragon · 17/07/2013 21:12

Making someone feel uncomfortable by staring at them could be considered bullying.

soapboxqueen · 17/07/2013 21:15

ljny Where does it say that the head knows that the op's daughter was upset by this boy? It doesn't. He can only make choices using the information in front of him.

Are you suggesting that the head should have disregarded this boy's opinions and chosen a buddy at random?

soapboxqueen · 17/07/2013 21:20

Absolutely soupdragon as could the fact that he is following her around and generally forming a much stronger attachment to her than she is comfortable with.

However, the head can only act on this if he knows about it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread