To think it's maternity leave not housewife leave, and act accordingly?

[maternitart]

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and my priority is spending time with DS and making the most of the time off.

I try to clean up after us both and maybe do some of the everyday stuff like emptying the dishwasher, hanging out laundry etc during the day but I rarely do any housework like vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, changing the beds etc. I do do some cooking, cleaning or sorting in evenings and weekends while my DH is with DS.

Something my mum said however made me think perhaps AIBU, lazy, or unfair to DH. Am I? Should I take on the lion's share of keeping house and do more during the day?

Mumsnet Jury: YOU decide!

Ok so now we are at the crux of it, where we were not before. You are adjusting to new motherhood. We all (I think) struggle with what we think we are supposed to do, actually can do, actually want to do, think is expected of us when we become mums. The first time is hardest in that sense.

If you have time to read try Naomi stadlen: what mothers do (especially when it looks like nothing). But my best thought is just let life evolve. It will work itself out.

Congrats by the way, hadn't said that!

Downton I think your Dd could do with leaving the three week old for a working day and seeing what je manages to get done.

I think it depends to a point. If you're talking about the first few weeks after the birth then maybe it's ok not to do the housework, but if you're in a routine then it really shouldn't be too much of an effort to do a bit of washing and empty the dishwasher and run the vac round now and again.

Yep.

I just keep saying sleep when baby sleeps, nothing else matters at the moment, everything can wait. They're hundreds of miles away and she has no one close by.

What else can I say?

My husband expects me to during my maternity leave and because of,this,has got quite lazy expecting me,to tidy up after him. I ve only got 6 Weeks of ml left and keep reminding him it will be different when I go back to work and have,ds to look after.

It probably is fair for me to do more, especially as day has 2 and a half,hours nap everyday if I am in. but if I am out all day nothing gets done.

I didn't do a lot in the first month because I was exhausted and needed to rest when I could. When DD napped I just watched TV etc. Once she was more settled, I used nap time (when I was at home) to get chores done and prepare dinner for later. It wasn't that difficult because she slept for at least an hour at a time. My reasons for doing it:

• it meant we didn't have to do loads in the evenings and weekends, which meant more family time

• DH was also tired from the night wakings (and he often got up early with DD), so I did some of the chores he normally does

I think it's about doing what you reasonably can, out of respect for your partner.

I'd say prioritise your baby and then do the housework you can do/want to do and sod the rest.

But really I just want to know exactly what your mum said. [nosy]

My perspective on this thread is that I currently work from home and am due with my first in september.

When I am at home with my son I will have no more time to clean or do housework than I do now when I'm at my desk (ok, livingroom table) for 8 hours a day. In fact, I will probably have less.

I currently clean up aftermyself. Shove on the dishwasher after breakfast, clean my own lunch stuff and sometimes put on or hang up a laundry in my lunchbreak. But that's it. I wouldn't spend client paid for time scrubbing the bath.

So when I have ds I am hoping that after dh goes back after paternity leave I will be able to keep the same standards... but I won't be doing any more cleaning/housework during the day...

Lots of the posters on here are saying things like 'it only takes a moment to run the hoover round' but then saying 'omg you can't have either of you hoovering at the weekend - that's precious time together!'. I don't get that myself .

The first few weeks as a first time mum are hard and of course baby's needs come first.I would say that first time round I didn't put baby down and prob didn't do enough housework!This time round things are different and I do see it as my role.I have a sling and a play mat and a swing so these all help in freeing up time.Getting into a routine is good.I find if I sit down on the couch with the dds I could very well be stuck there for a few hours!Get a cleaner if you can afford it or take some laundry to The laundrette.Get a dishwasher if you can.

Perhaps I live in a hovel but I just can't understand how housework can take up so much time - I have never been back to work since I had my DS (actually I gave up a year or so before I had him ) but I never, ever spend more than 20 mins a day on housework (a bit more for cooking but then I like eating ) - I mean unless you live in a mansion just how long do things take? I vacuum once a week fortnight, the kitchen floor gets washed every 3-4 days (takes 5 mins), quick dust occasionally, quick wipe round the bathrooms (yes, we have three), wipe down kitchen surfaces, load & unload dishwasher, hang out washing - but then the rest of the day is mine to mumsnet, do volunteer work, sunbathe, read - whatever I want.

Compared to my DH's job my life is easy, I understand it is different if you have a very challenging baby/children but quite honestly the angst you read about 'divving up the housework' must surely take longer than getting the hoover out - or am I missing something entirely?

Well quite Ragwort

Y'know, the further this thread progresses, the more I suspect I'm arguing on the wrong side.

My flat isn't and never will be Stepford clean and most certainly wasn't when the girls were babies.

OP, you can relax. We're all only talking about doing the daily basics. Nobody stays up all night cleaning the kitchen tiles with a cotton bud, promise.

But some people seem to do a massive amount of housework - for example the second reply on the thread suggests one should be vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom every day...

I'd say a fair aim for an SAHP would be to keep the dishwasher and washing machine ticking over so everyone has clean plates and pants, and keep the kitchen relatively hygenic.

Otherwise, who cares if the skirting boards are dusty or the floor's a bit crunchy? Well, my mum probably does, but I don't live my life to please her, so...

On threads like this I'm always flabbergasted by how much much housework other people seem to find to do. What are they doing? What?

Average day - washing up, wipe surfaces, maybe some clothes washing, put a few things away, clean up any spectacular messes. Once a week or so - hoover, dust, change sheets, clean bathroom. Nothing there is hours and hours and hours of work a day.

I feel like I am missing something...

Thurlow - you are. Dust.

When I am at home with my son I will have no more time to clean or do housework than I do now when I'm at my desk (ok, livingroom table) for 8 hours a day. In fact, I will probably have less.

Bullhockey. What do you think a tiny baby needs you to do that means you won't have a minute free? Do you know how many hours they sleep? A lot.

Just for the sake of this thread (haven't I got better things to do ) I timed myself - hanging out one load of washing, sweeping kitchen, utility and hall floors (quite large floor space) - total 6 mins, hardly time consuming is it? Later I will unload the dishwasher whilst waiting for the kettle to boil to make coffee - two minutes?

I would genuinely love to know what some mumsnetters find to do if they are doing housework 'all day' ?

don't forget the "heavy duty chemicals" mentioned above, Ragwort

I live on my own and brought up my two DC as a single parent so had to do it all anyway, which wasn't that hard, but then I only had one adult's mess to deal with. I found being a single parent easier than living with my DC's father - which does, of course, explain why he became an X.

TBH, while I'll argue the feminist principle til the cows come home, I don't mind doing more than my fair share of housework if I'm there, and feel able to do it. The expectation that it be done by me however will make me purposely choose not to do it. A little appreciation and mutual consideration goes a long way.

kobayashi

they don't all sleep a lot actually.

They do. even the ones that seem not to. I've had a non-sleeper, they still nap you just blank it out because you feel like dying of tiredness

One of the best bits of advice I read before ds was born was "When your baby has a nap, you have a nap" :)

which still doesn't leave time for cleaning

When I was on maternity leave I did feel pressure to make sure the housework was up to date but I probably failed miserably. It all depends really - my dd bf constantly in the early days and my way of coping with this was to get out lots for a change of scenery. She still fed but it was when I was in friends/relatives houses or at a shopping centre so I had company.

I would say that I did the bulk of the housework when I was off but certainly not all of it. I don't think that being on maternity leave should mean you do everything at home. Your off to look after your baby, to spend time with them, to meet other new mums, go to baby groups etc.

My dd was not a good sleeper once she was 6 weeks + so I don't think I had lots of spare time while she was napping...however I used the mornings when she did have a nap or was on her little baby gym to run round and tidy up, do the dishes, put on a washing etc.

So, id say, do some but don't go crazy! And let your dh do some too. It's not easy looking after a baby. When my dh has dd on his own nothing gets done in the house!! (Ok he maybe loads the dishwasher and puts out a washing but she is 3 now!!)

I agree that housework shouldn't be hours a day - I'd say 30 mins is ample, then maybe 30 on cooking?

It does totally depend how tired you are which is more or less dependent on the baby. DD didn't seem to nap as much as other babies but she was good at night, which meant after 4 weeks I didn't need to nap when she napped so I had plenty of time to myself. Also some babies like to be held / fed pretty much constantly which makes it hard to get much done. The baby takes priority.

What changed when I was on maternity leave is that I ended up doing all the errands (shopping, post office, waiting in for tradespeople) because that's easy to do with a baby. That was really handy. Now we're both working full time, it's harder fitting those things in.

downton, it wouldn't be interfering to reassure your Dd that it's fine to prioritise herself and her 3wo! And not a requirement of being a wife and mother to do all domestic work while on maternity leave.

Would possibly risk being interfering to send her copies of Wifework and What Mothers Do! (I would, though)!

Easy for men who previously shared domestic work to come over all 1950s when DC arrive; and for women to try to meet unrealistic expectations. Better to have arguments than do that.

Ragwort, I've been really tempted sometimes to start an AIBU to ask what people do if there housework takes more than 30mins a day. I might start one one evening when I'm bored...