To think it's maternity leave not housewife leave, and act accordingly?

[maternitart]

I'm on maternity leave at the moment and my priority is spending time with DS and making the most of the time off.

I try to clean up after us both and maybe do some of the everyday stuff like emptying the dishwasher, hanging out laundry etc during the day but I rarely do any housework like vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, changing the beds etc. I do do some cooking, cleaning or sorting in evenings and weekends while my DH is with DS.

Something my mum said however made me think perhaps AIBU, lazy, or unfair to DH. Am I? Should I take on the lion's share of keeping house and do more during the day?

Mumsnet Jury: YOU decide!

Let alone ones which take a long time and involve heavy duty chemicals

I hardly think that shoving a bit of bleach down the loo after you have just had a wee (post flush obv) is that much of a chore. If you have a house that requires heavy duty chemicals then I rather think that it isnt the best place for a baby anyway!

YANBU.

" He might be my POB (precious only born) and I can't imagine regretting not doing more cleaning once I'm back at work"

This. I don't give a flying fuck if Mrs Stepford thinks I should be more focused on snatching every 5 minute "cleaning opportunity", instead of playing with my PFB. I am not going to go to my grave lamenting that I could've had shinier taps. I might well regret not having time for my son. I would definitely have regretted it after mat leave if we'd got used to me doing everything - it takes a long time to change habits.

OP, he's your & your DP's son, and both of you seem entirely content with current arrangements. Why let someone else make you feel bad about it? Your mum's relationship is not your relationship.

So, as soon as the 9 months is up,and it's no longer called maternity leave, and should you decide to be Sahm, is it then that housework becomes your responsibility? Or never?

I don't give a flying fuck if Mrs Stepford thinks I should be more focused on snatching every 5 minute "cleaning opportunity", instead of playing with my PFB.

Who said she should? We just said that if you have a few minutes to chuck some bleach down the loo and wipe the sink when you have been to the loo, why not do it? It is a couple of minutes to do, and means that the OP has more time to spend with her DH rather than them spending time at the end of a long day on chores.

She is saving up time! You know how Martin Lewis et al suggest saving up £2 coins because they are not much on their own, but soon add up? Well this is the same. 5 minutes singing the rainbow song sorting a load of washing is nothing, she is still teaching, entertaining and interacting with her son, but is also "saving" 5 minutes for later. Depending on how old her child is, counting out pegs when she hangs the clothes out is 10 minutes where she is T, E and I with her son but another 10 minutes go in the bank.

After a day of saving up a few minutes here and there on chores, her and her DH get an hour together that they can enjoy and not up to their arses in jobs. I would say the same to a SAHD too, its not that its a womans job, just a job that is best done that whoever is best placed to do it and in this case, that is the OP.

What are you entertaining baby with all day that means you can't do a few chores along the way? Yes, they are chores, but they need doing. If baby sees you doing those jobs, in time they will learn to help you and you do them together. I understand if baby is still very tiny (weeks old), but by the time baby is months old they can be kept entertained by watching you doing some of this stuff. Ime, babies who need entertaining all the time, turn into children who can't entertain themselves and they can be hard work (more hard work than children who can entertain themselves for a little while anyway). It is good IMO for children not to be the centre of the universe 24/7, it comes in useful when they go to day care/have siblings.

I shouldn't have clicked on this thread as some of the posts have given me the rage and I should be going to sleep.
YANBU. Looking after small children is work (I went back to work after six months' mat leave for a rest), and housework is drudgery. You say in the evenings you do housework and your DH does baby care, so you both work all day and split the work in the evenings. That sounds totally fair and reasonable to me. If you get the odd break in the daytime to MN or read a book, that seems fair too unless your DH has a job where he never gets even a short break.

I really agree with what previous posters have said - if you get into a pattern of you doing everything while you're off, it's hard to break the pattern once you go back.

If it's a choice between 5 minutes of cleaning and 5 minutes with my son, obviously I prefer to spend time with my son. Obviously!

But the OP has 11 hours on her own with her son, every day. An extra 20 minutes out of that is not a very big deal, whereas 20 minutes out of the short time she and her DH have in the evening to do things or spend time with each other is more noticeable.

I'm not at all saying she should do more so that her DH doesn't have to do anything, no way. I just think it's easier to squeeze in things during the day and have evenings and weekends relaxing.

never stop doing what?
I think you realise the ridiculousness of this kind of PFB nonsense when you have a couple more children. no matter how difficult your baby you have to do a thousand other things with your toddler/older children, and you wonder just what the fuck you did all day long with one small baby. It's sheer preciousness to suggest you simply have no time at all to clean your own bog.

Lets put it another way.

If the DH was posting that he was working through his lunch in order to get home earlier so he could spend time with his wife and son, but as soon as he walked through the door he had to do the washing, what would the reaction be?

Its not about the washing! Its about making the little sacrifices during the day so that at the end of the day you have a reward. Thats all that I am suggesting!

To be honest, I found the tone of some of the posters a little judgy. If you keep a clean house then you are somehow an inferior parent.
What's wrong with wanting your baby to roll around on a hoovered floor? Or wanting to sit down as a family and eat a home cooked meal? Or having a nice clean environment to bathe your DC's in? Or wanting to sit down in the evening and spend an hour of quality time with your DH?
Ime, you can do this and not be the neglectful parent that's being implied.

burno

I agree with you!

and I have to add, that if a clean house implied an inferior parent and vice versa I'm the best mother in the world!

zing

Anyways, I had best crack on. That sideboard won't polish itself!

burmo
and while you are at it, will you polish my halo please?

YANBU, as long as you do enough housework for things to stay hygienic and not too messy. Babies are babies for such a short period of time, and they grow so fast, it would be such a shame to be forever cleaning around them.

I found maternity leave quite hard. I did all the Mum groups and stuff like going to the gym where they allow babies in but there was still hours of my day when I was used to being busy, which I tried to use entertaining the DCs. But there were still hours left over. Babies sleep a lot. The house was immaculate, so I took to cooking. No hardship, I like cooking.

After months of ever more elaborate meals, during which DH gained a couple of stones, he looked over dinner (beef bourgignon, steamed beans, rosemary and garlic roast potatoes, followed by a creme brulee) and said 'You really need to get back to work'. Which was true.

So, you know, I think YABU. There is just so much time during the day, unless you let the day overtake you.

well, I think if your going back to work (or even indeed if your a SAHM).....you are not wrong to be cautious about setting out a division of labour where everyone participates in housework. It can be hard to unring a bell so to speak IYKWIM.

It's your house....surely you must take some pride in it and do basic jobs? No one is saying you need to scrub the skirtings etc but washing etc is a necessity in my book and I couldn't just leave it lying for dh to do. I'm enjoying maternity as I can cook meals more from scratch which is something that slips a bit when you work full time...I can also spend more time making sure my house and garden is well tended and this makes me happy as I think it's nice to have time to do such things without the stresses of work.
Dh works hard during the day .and I'm happy to play the 50s housewife...I only wish we could afford for me to be able to be one all the time!

Look if I had the money I would have a cleaner and a liv in nanny and still be a sahp.

We don't. So the one that's home takes on a bit more. Just be truthful; if dh was home what would you expect him to do to keep it ticking over? Mine used to wfh a day a week so for example he did hoovering that day as 'payment' forward so we didn't have to at weekend. He also did dwasher that whole day as appropriate and bleached loo. That was then time not spent doing it at weekend.

It's not stepford. It's polite in a partnership.

Sod changing the bedsheets - bending down picking up toys from the floor, or up and down hanging out the washing leaves me out of breath these days. As due date approaches I will definitely be doing less housework, not more.

I confess I haven't read 5 pages of this, but part of the point is that by the time there's a huge belly in the way, some of these tasks become rather more effort - which is why you're not at work in the first place!

Ooh it's kicking OFF in here!

Firstly, let me clarify / repeat that I DO do some cleaning/housework/cooking etc during the day, of course I can wipe down the odd surface and stick a load on and I do. Perhaps my wording was misleading.

I just don't keep my house Stepford clean. I suppose a way of explaining it is I don't keep my house any tidier or cleaner than I did before going on leave. Eg I never vacuumed daily before and I don't now. Even though I probably could as some of you have pointed out.

I felt this weird pressure to do EVERYTHING and perfectly once I went on leave. At first I tried to do this, when DS was at his most challenging, and I think it contributed to PND which thankfully I am in a much better place with now.

To some posters: Of course I couldn't be so indulgent if I had other children. That's kind of WHY I want to do it!

We leave the house a lot, which accounts for quite a bit of the day. I could give you a more detailed itinerary but I'm far too busy, ha.

I do play with him a lot too and maybe as a previous poster said that could affect his ability to entertain himself.

Anyway you've inspired me to change the beds today so thanks for the clean sheets.

Funny old thread.
Made me think though. I guess it depends on lots of things.
What is your DM expecting you to do?
(I bet Sarah Beeny could redevelop a couple of houses on maternity leave)
I don't think i'd be happy if my DH expected show home tidiness, etc whilst I'm on mat leave. Especially as I find it hard to do vacuuming and mopping in particular with 2 yo DS awake in the house.
But then I couldn't imagine not doing the basics; laundry, cleanish bathroom, clean kitchen as I go.
Someone else pointed out the paradox that sometimes we equate childcare with "work" if we're doing it but expect our DPs to do it for love.
I think fair split of leisure times the key.
And a lowering of standards.

You do what you can. This is horrible heat to be pregnant in :)

It's your house....surely you must take some pride in it and do basic jobs?

Dear God, no. I have no pride in my house whatsoever--it's a major PITA that perpetually creates more tedious work for me to do, like Sisyphus's bloody stone.

What you need, OP, is an army of robots to do the really crap stuff, like hoovering, floor washing, floor mopping etc. The marvellous thing about 21st century is that these things do actually exist and can be yours for less than the price of an iPhone. See here.

If you haven't got a spare £300 kicking around, consider selling the kids for medical research. Trust me, it's worth it

It sounds like you are doing your fair share and I see nothing wrong with Dh helping. It's his mess also.
I agree it isn't cleaning leave and you don't sound lazy.

See my DD has just had her first baby. He was 3 weeks old last week when her DH went back to work. It took 3 days for them to have an argument about what she was and wasn't doing.

He said he was at work all day and shouldn't have to come home and take the dog out, do the washing, tidy up etc. she was upset because it's early days, she doesn't feel comfortable walking the dog with the pram yet. She's doing the night feeds and she's just given birth.

I didn't know what to say when she rang me upset. Despite having been there myself. although I wanted to tell her to tell him that he was being unreasonable and that he can't just expect her to be back to normal- its far too early- I also didn't want to interfere. I think lots of people have different expectations but the baby is 3 weeks old FGS!