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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh joy, it's another Teacher's Present thread!

95 replies

DrSeuss · 14/07/2013 09:41

So, I stupidly said I'd do the collection. I informed parents via slips in book bags, no sum was mentioned. I deliberately kept no record of who donated and how much, that's up to the individual. Our catchment is very mixed and I don't want to know people's financial situation. Some gave a lot, some a little, some didn't give. My way of collecting was just to stand in the playground twice a day as usual, never asked anyone directly for money. So far, so what, right?
Except that two mums now want a card attached to the present, listing who donated. One says it is "important" that the teacher knows who gave. Er, why? We are buying a gift to say thanks for being a great teacher, not for a pat on the head!
Abui to just send the gift with a card saying, "From the families of your Y6 students"?

OP posts:
DontCallMeBaby · 14/07/2013 09:45

YANBU. Suggest you ask them why it's so important - they're either going to squirm VERY entertainingly or show themselves up as really rather nasty.

DaddyPigsMistress · 14/07/2013 09:50

YANBU

They are wankers. And I should imagine the teacher wouldnt be happy with that list attached.

MammaTJ · 14/07/2013 09:52

I would want to question their motives. I know you said you didn't keep a record of who gave what, but I am willing to bet they are the ones who gave the most.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/07/2013 09:53

Yanbu.

That's really twatty of them.

SavoyCabbage · 14/07/2013 09:54

Yanbu. At all. Just stick to your plan.

viewwitharoom · 14/07/2013 09:58

Ignore and carry on as you planned. That's what I would do anyway! Cant be arsed with this sort of nonsense..

manicinsomniac · 14/07/2013 09:58

Mostly YANBU.

The only use I can see for the list is for the teacher's thank you notes. I got a group gift for the first time this year, along with several other small, individual ones and, if the card that came with the group gift hadn't been written in by all the children whose parents had contributed, I wouldn't have known who to write cards to. I would have felt awful only acknowledging those who had made their own arrangements it trying to guess who had contributed and hurt someone by missing them out or embarrass them by including them when they hadn't joined in.

However, I think the parents' right to privacy probably trump the usefulness of the teacher knowing.

Original poster
DrSeuss · 14/07/2013 09:59

Actually, one of them gave the least! DH wants me to suggest writing the list in ascending order of giving, just to see her head explode! I remember that one clearly as my friend was standing next to me and was a little shocked by just how small the amount was!
Another problem is that having deliberately kept no records, I can't be totally sure that I won't miss someone out! Some people gave the money to others to pass on. I think I have the full list now but am not sure. What if I miss someone?

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 14/07/2013 10:00

Or trying, not it trying.

viewwitharoom · 14/07/2013 10:04

Why not just say thank you to the group, class?
Sorry but I do not understand all this gift-with-obligations-attached-thing. Give it freely or dont give at all for goodness sake!

Bogeyface · 14/07/2013 10:04

"Oh what a good idea, we have had some very generous donations! I will put the list in order of who gave the most to who gave the least, then there will be no confusion!"

And then, as you said, watch her head explode!

KatyTheCleaningLady · 14/07/2013 10:06

Yanbu. Tell her that it might make the teacher feel funny to know who didn't give.

manicinsomniac · 14/07/2013 10:08

viewwitharoom I would, of course, say thank you to the class but the children didn't buy the present and it would be appallingly rude not to write a thank you letter to the parents too.

Original poster
DrSeuss · 14/07/2013 10:10

The teacher is actually leaving the school and so could write a note to all saying how nice it has been to work with their children and how kind it was that people sent such lovely gifts.

OP posts:
frogspoon · 14/07/2013 10:21

YANBU to refuse to give a list of who paid (and therefore who didn't)

But rather than have a generic "From the families of your Y6 students"? card, why don't you organise the whole class to make a giant handmade card, complete with handwritten messages, pictures etc from all the students in the class. That way, all students, regardless of how much they were able to financially contribute, will have contributed something (their effort and time) to give to the teacher.

P.S. I have never heard of a teacher sending a thank you letter to anyone who has given a present. A verbal thank you yes, but never a note. Are all the teachers I know very rude?

Original poster
DrSeuss · 14/07/2013 10:24

Love the idea of the card but it's a practical nightmare as I have client meetings every day this week!

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 14/07/2013 10:30

Give each child a small piece of paper to do a picture on and cut them out and stick on to a big card?

EmmelineGoulden · 14/07/2013 10:34

You have a whole class of parents and because two of them have told you you should have a list of donations, you're considering dropping your own plans and following theirs? Why? Stop compiling lists in your head and tell them no. If they want to do it differently next year they can offer to do the collection.

paulapantsdown · 14/07/2013 10:39

Well I think it's not on tbh that parents who chose not to contribute will be credited as doing so!

If there us a card attached saying 'from all y6 parents' then that's not true is it?

The mum at ours who has done it this year has a list with the names of who's put in (not amounts), and she then passed aroung a card to those people. I didn't put in as I had already got a little something so I didn't sign the card!

I don't really understand why you would think that this was BU?

frogspoon · 14/07/2013 10:52

Paula: Because it shows each family's financial situation, which is very personal.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 14/07/2013 10:55

Seriously who cares who donated what to the teacher.This is not exactly high finance.
It is terribly bad form to put only some names and not others.
This is after all about the kids saying thank you not who gives what depending on the size of the bank balance.
These women should be truly ashamed of themselves and embarrassed that they have shown themselves up for what they truly are .Nasty people.

exoticfruits · 14/07/2013 11:00

You seem incredibly petty, paula. The best thing is to not actually know who put money in and then there won't be a problem.
A small square of paper with a DC's personal message stuck on a big card sounds ideal.

I have never heard of a teacher sending a thank you letter to anyone who has given a present. A verbal thank you yes, but never a note. Are all the teachers I know very rude?

I always sent a thank you note. We expect DCs to do so, or at least a lot of people do, so I don't expect to not do it myself. It isn't a good message that children have to write notes and adults don't. I never handed them out publicly so no one would have been aware.

Bogeyface · 14/07/2013 11:04

I understood these gifts to be on behalf of the children, is that not the case?

If it is the case when why should a child be excluded from any card or gift tag because their parents cant or wont donate?

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/07/2013 11:20

Exotic, the teachers in our small primary all send thank you cards. The Ta's not so much though.

I sort of agree with Paula. If you contributed at a works collection, you sign the card at the same time. This may have been easier although harder to conceal on the playground I admit.

Some may be doing their own thing, some may disagree with teachers presents (lots on here dont give) and may not want to be included on the card. The other ladies have not asked for amounts, simply that those who have contributed sign the card. Is the teacher likely to cross check it against the register, i dont think so.

viewwitharoom · 14/07/2013 11:23

Ok I must be very rude then because I have never sent thank you notes. Always a thank you to the class and not just for any gift but genuine thanks for their contributions to the class during the year (so it would be to everyone in the class)
Just out of interest how do you send these thank you notes home, via child?
Just consider the card and gift which only has some pupils names on it. Don't you think that sours the whole thing from the teacher's point of view? I know it would for me.