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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why no birthday present?

33 replies

Swallowing · 13/07/2013 00:03

We are visiting my family and it is my husband's birthday. My family did not buy him a present at all. He doesn't expect anything (ever) but I am a little hurt, it isn't about the money, it is a token. Something to show that they think of him and care. I feel a bit shit writing this actually, yes he is a grown up and he REALLY doesn't expect anything, but I just don't get it, we have always exchanged gifts in the past. Can I ask them why? or is that too grabbing?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 13/07/2013 00:09

How close to them are you?

Do they know it's his birthday?

If you're close enough for them to know, they are being a bit miserable.

I know it's not about being grabby, it's hurtful that they couldn't even give him the thought.

Don't feel shit about being a bit protective over your DH, that's really nice Smile (although are you taking it as a bit of a dig at you by proxy?)

ImperialBlether · 13/07/2013 00:10

You should say something. If it's something you've always done and if you always give them something, then they need to be reminded.

I'm not sure whether I'd say something while he was there but if he went out or maybe next week on the phone, I'd say something.

Original poster
Swallowing · 13/07/2013 00:19

We are staying with them. I bought champagne and cake. I always make a bit of a fuss over birthdays (everyone's). I just don't get it, we are close and it really isn't about the money, I got him some real rubbish Grin it is just acknowledgement, he is VERY good with buying thoughtful presents for others and I just don't see how they can't acknowledge his birthday, I wish we hadn't bothered coming to be honest, we live overseas and visiting costs us an absolute fortune. If I say something how do I broach it without sounding grabby?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 13/07/2013 00:23

Have they mentioned it at all?

Could they have just forgotten?

If they didn't know, how did they react to the champagne/cake (dead giveaway Grin)?

It really depends on how they were about it, apologetic would be fine, awkward and defensive, maybe not fine.

Original poster
Swallowing · 13/07/2013 00:29

They were fine, like it is completely normal to not give a gift. Which is absolutely fine, but we have never NOT given gifts in our family. I think it is because we are here with them that it is really noticeable, if they have decided to not give gifts anymore could it have not been another time? Or maybe discussed before?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 13/07/2013 00:35

They were embarrassed being caught on the hop?

Down to brass tacks, if you think they did it on purpose to have a go at at you/your DH, tell them how much it hurts.

If it was thoughtlessness, I would leave it at that. As you say, he's a big lad and doesn't need anything, why upset the apple cart if they're not being shitty?

You're staying with them, not a good time to kick up an atmosphere unless you're feeling a bit neglected by them, and if you are, just tell them!

fortifiedwithtea · 13/07/2013 00:39

Your husband is a grown-up.

Your parents are giving you bed and board. You don't live on air.

You live overseas. They were being considerate thinking of your luggage weight allowance.

I would expect a birthday card though and verbal good wishes for the day.

My husband didn't send me a card or buy any for the DC to write. Now that really hurt me. Goes without saying no present.

Original poster
Swallowing · 13/07/2013 00:40

I am feeling very neglected, so maybe this is just the icing on the cake with them. I am really hurt by this though, I think because he is the most generous man ever, it hurts when people don't reciprocate. It was my idea to come here as well, he would have had a much better time with his family or friends. I think I will reduce contact with them, not just over this, but things are very one-sided and I have had enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Swallowing · 13/07/2013 00:42

I would agree with you fortified, except for the fact that it costs us a FORTUNE coming here, we buy all our own food, keep everyone supplied with wine and pay for meals out. It is never as expensive at his families house, we should stay there!

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AgentZigzag · 13/07/2013 00:55

That does put a different slant on it.

If you're feeling neglected, tell them how it's making you feel.

That's so easy for me to type Grin

I know it's not, it's between hanging off until you go home, but then you'll have to do it by phone/email, but if you say something now you've got to live with the aftermath.

Have you said anything they don't like before? What was their reaction if you have? (I'm guessing WWIII by the reluctance you have at saying something)

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2013 00:57

And only the most penny pinching person would offset a birthday present against board and lodge with a family member.

It'd be a piss poor excuse.

Original poster
Swallowing · 13/07/2013 01:12

I think we are actually very bad at communicating and everything is brushed aside. I have been feeling quite shitty for a while though. There is a huge discrepancy between the way I am treated compared to my sister, and also the way my children and hers are treated. I think some of it is because we live so far away, but some is just pure favouritism Sad

OP posts:
fortifiedwithtea · 13/07/2013 01:20

AgentZigzag I think it's mean too. I was playing Devil's advocate on that one as my DH and in-laws put so little effect into presents.

It's hit and miss whether the in-laws give DD1 anything for her birthday. But one hi-lite was the year that MIL and SIL gave her ONE orange Colouring Pencil between them.

I shit you not Angry I could have shoved it both their arses and made them a kebab!

Swallowing I see you more issues than just the birthday. On balance best to have it out with them face to face but from experience I haven't had any good outcomes with that. Sorry [flowers}

Original poster
Swallowing · 13/07/2013 01:29

Thank you both. I am really bad at confrontation, but it is eating me up as I don't understand it. How do I broach the subject as it does indeed go deeper than birthday presents? Although I really would like to know why they didn't get him anything, especially after his generosity. (now I do sound grabbing!)

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AgentZigzag · 13/07/2013 01:39

DH didn't get me anything this year, which I did genuinely say not to, but you can't help a little part thinking the thoughtlessness is saying more than it probably is.

It's human nature.

And PIL forgot DD1's 12th birthday (so had time to get used to it coming round) but go on and fucking on about SIL's children. I used to make an effort for the first few years we were married, but as soon as I realised the lay of the land I stopped bothering.

What annoys me most is that DH wouldn't have been fussed going over and I used to push for him to make the effort, but now we don't see them, they think it's because I'm stopping him! Grin No, he's got fucking eyes in his head and can work out the indifference you have towards our DDs all for himself.

(phew, ta for that offloading Grin)

But I was brought up to speak my mind and used to be a bit judgey when MIL wanted to sweep things under the carpet, but I agree with her now.

Why fucking bother? If they can't be arsed, why should you spend a second being upset by them? Save it for people who can give you time/thought.

frutilla · 13/07/2013 01:49

YANBU, they could have at least got him a chocolate orange.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/07/2013 01:53

"There is a huge discrepancy between the way I am treated compared to my sister, and also the way my children and hers are treated. I think some of it is because we live so far away, but some is just pure favouritism"

Did this discrepancy exist way back, before you lived so far away? Could that give you a conversational "in", as it were?

E.g.
Your family do/say something showing favouritism, you make the wry comment 'I see the favouritism is still going strong then', they respond with 'whatever do you mean', you respond 'you know what I mean - it's always there, but it's been particularly noticeable on this visit. I was very hurt that you couldn't even make the effort to acknowledge DH's birthday.'

Original poster
Swallowing · 13/07/2013 02:02

I think my mother prides herself on treating us equally Hmm but is also very vocal about the fact that more help should go to where it is needed! If only she knew.... We are in a similar situation to my sister (probably worse actually) but she really seems to think we have it all. I don't think it was always so uneven, and she wouldn't see it as being uneven anyway. I just can't shake how sad I am that they couldn't even acknowledge his birthday.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 13/07/2013 02:22

" I just can't shake how sad I am that they couldn't even acknowledge his birthday."
Then TELL her that! Seriously, do not let this fester. I know you say you're bad at confrontation, but that's true of most of us. Maybe stop considering it as confrontational to say to your mother, 'you know, it was DH's birthday on day; did you forget? I felt so hurt that you didn't acknowledge it.' Is that really confrontational? It really isn't.

Oh, and stop being so generous when you visit ("we buy all our own food, keep everyone supplied with wine and pay for meals out."). Contribute food, but no wine, one meal out at most.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/07/2013 02:24

Meant to add, your generosity may be adding to her belief that you "have it all". So best to put a halt to it.

Turquoisehat · 13/07/2013 05:35

Do you think it has anything to do with you living overseas? have you recently moved?
I had a hard time this year when dd2 turned one and had no emails, cards or skype from pil / sil. It was really hurtful to me, as when dd1 turned one, they took an 8 hour flight to be at her party.
We visited them 2 weeks after dd2's birthday and after about 4 days, they gave dh some cash to buy her something. I felt her birthday was such an afterthought. I can only assume it is because we are living in another country, they would have never been so blasé about it if she was there.
I know she is a baby and your dh is an adult, but I would still be upset. I may consuder this a change in precedent, and not buy them anything on their next birthdays either.

Wishfulmakeupping · 13/07/2013 06:14

Did they get him a card at least?

Montybojangles · 13/07/2013 06:21

It sounds pretty rubbish. Is there any way they might have forgotten it was his birthday? Did they get him a card at least?

Original poster
Swallowing · 13/07/2013 07:12

Yes they did get a card. They were with me when I bought him a present and the food/wine for his birthday, so they definately didn't forget. I guess they have just decided not to do presents anymore, which is absolutely fine but I would have thought it would be something that they mentioned beforehand. I think it just upsets (or maybe just surprises) me that we spent the day with them and they couldn't even get him a bar of chocolate.

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 13/07/2013 07:55

Do you think they might be struggling for money at the minute and are too embarrassed to say?

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