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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Either I am sensible or a mega bitch

91 replies

Arnie123 · 12/07/2013 12:51

Not sure whether people will see my point of view on this or flame me as the bitch from hell.

Background my 40 year old hubby has an 18 yr old half brother. I have been with hubby 4 years and we have only seen him a handful of times apart from when he asked for a job off me. I gave him a job and he lasted one week before he stopped turning up and did not bother to phone in and let me know. I went to his house and he was smoking pot with his mates a d said he did not want to go to work as he had decided to decorate the house.

Hubby shares mum with this guy. My mum in law threw him out of the house at 15 due to truanting and bad behaviour to live with his dad. I think this was a disgraceful thing to do as dad was a severe and violent schizophrenic who could not even look after himself.

Anyway the dad died last week and the whole family are on benefits and cannot afford the funeral. Apparently they pay out and then the social foot some of the bill after they get the receipts. Some being the important word here

Hubby has today said he will lend them 1400 out of MY business account. The problem is even if we take him to court for not repaying the cash the judge will let him pay it off at 5 per week as he is on benefits

This is about laying a relative to rest but it is also about cash I have grafter to earn and I think I will never see again

I am happy to offer a token amount eg 100 but hubby has already said we can afford it

Am I being a cow here?

OP posts:
Dackyduddles · 12/07/2013 14:41

Seperate issues.

Return dh 2k for orig loan. He then has no claim on firm does he?

He can pay for funeral.

The boy is still a tit. Dh still stupid. But you are free of all of it.

Sorry about your mum. That was very sad. Hope u ok

AmIthatSpringy · 12/07/2013 14:42

What about the lad's mother. Presumably this was her (ex?) husband? And are there no other relatives.

I don't think you sound like a mega bitch, BTW. If the money is repaid by the DWP, perhaps the deceased family could deal with them directly to sort out the funeral.

And I'm sorry, but YANBU to be annoyed that your OH is promising money from YOUR business account

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 12/07/2013 14:43

actually, according to the link to the legislation, the nhs are obliged to carry out a funeral if the person died in their care and whether it's the la or the nhs if they believe that the person wanted a burial and not a cremation, they have to follow their wishes. It's all in those links.

If your husband has put £2000 into the business and it was always with the understanding that he would get it back when the business was profitable and it is now profitable and you have the £2000 then tbh I would just give it to him, but make him sign to say he's got his investment back and the business owes him nothing more.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 12/07/2013 14:44

The lot of them never got me a card and never even asked me how I was.

Perhaps I am a nasty person but I just think they have a bloody cheek coming to me

Oh and if anyone else wants to flame me I would point out 2 things

1 we have offered to put a roof over this guys head as he cannot live in dads house as it is sheltered accommodation

Even though his mum has a spare bedroom she is not letting him stay there. In fact my hubby was homeless once and his mum told him to get a tent

I am not rich not by a long margin

If I sound harsh it is because I am livid right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Arnie123 · 12/07/2013 14:46

Dackyduddles

You have just shown more concern over my
Mums death than all my in laws combined

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 12/07/2013 14:48

How bloody awful. OP has just lost her mother and people are calling her heartless.

This lad's dad is not her concern. If her dh wants to make this his concern then he can fork out (and not by just dipping into company funds as that is just not how businesses work).

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2013 14:51

OP, I am completely on your side. There's no way your money should be paying for this funeral.

And I am really sorry about your mum. It must be awful enough losing her without having absolutely no recognition from your husband's family that she has died.

Are you happy generally with your husband? Personally I don't like the sound of him much.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/07/2013 14:52

Arnie seriously, you are not being harsh!

So sorry to hear about your mum....I lost my mum almost 3 years ago now.....it's shit!! You need all this like a bloody hole in the head, makes your DH sound even bloody worse to be honest throwing this on you right now.

Deep breathes and be gentle on yourself.

YouTheCat · 12/07/2013 14:54

Also, OP, don't forget the fact that they have lied to your dh about the incineration. Do you honestly think that all that £1400 would go on a funeral when the state will pay for most of it because they are in receipt of benefits? Because I really don't think it will.

SodaStreamy · 12/07/2013 14:56

you said

*If he would have kept the job I got h he would have been able to afford this

Oh the irony...

How much were you paying him/or thinking about paying him? I doubt an 18 year old or 17 year old would have £1400 saved away even if he'd worked for you for a year on minimum wage.

You don't have the right attitude towards this situation what so ever...thats fine though your choices

Original poster
Arnie123 · 12/07/2013 14:56

What I am going to do is repay my husband the 2k which is his money after all

What he does with it is up to him

I will be that irritating person to say I told you so when he does not get a penny back

Ffs he lost 360 in a ppi scam last month and get this he has never had a loan or insurance in his life

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 12/07/2013 14:59

Soda, what is the right attitude to people who don't give a fuck about you and tell great big lies then? Hmm

Arnie, I think that's the right thing to do. Then it is not your problem (as it shouldn't be anyway).

Sister77 · 12/07/2013 14:59

You owe the brother nothing, apparently you owe your "d"h £2000. Pay it back if you can afford to and make it clear that no more money will be forthcoming as you have paid back the loan.

I am sorry for your loss, you're still grieving yourself and now you have this to deal with, YANBU in my opinion, the brother is not your responsibility and neither is the funeral.
YABU to expect your in laws to care. I have discovered that not many people give a shit about anyone else but expect everyone else to come running when they go through hard times. It doesn't work both ways.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 12/07/2013 15:13

Soda

Just to point out when I started in the industry I had exactly the same job and I saved 1700 in 5 months

Minor point the dad was schizophrenic not alcoholic but I am not sure why am mentioning that as it does not have a bearing on things!

OP posts:
Original poster
Arnie123 · 12/07/2013 15:24

Can I also point out this guy even though he is 18 already has a long criminal record including THEFT

OP posts:
SodaStreamy · 12/07/2013 15:34

Arnie I'm guesing you earned that 1700 in 5 months whilst you were in a stable relationship?

Not like the 18 year old who has been passed from pillar to post by his parents. Now one of them dead

I just don't get your attitude......it's fine though loads of posters think you are doing everything right ...I don''t but maybe thats just me

So why did you need to ask your DH £2000 to start your business? You obviously never had enough to pursue your dreams without asking for help (that you haven't even paid back) yet you expect an 18 year to have enough to arrange a funeral???

Crinkle77 · 12/07/2013 15:35

Not sure you can actually do that. Sure it's illegal

YouTheCat · 12/07/2013 15:36

Soda, the state would pay the bulk of it. OP has already offered the lad work (which he couldn't be bothered to do).

He is not her responsibility.

SodaStreamy · 12/07/2013 15:39

Also did you send hem sympathy cards?

SodaStreamy · 12/07/2013 15:41

No of course it's not her responsibility but her husband wants to help his half brother.

Surely it's not her money , it's their money?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/07/2013 15:42

No, it's her business money. My DH is a sole trader but just because we are married there is no way I could expect him to lend me money from his business....that's just madness.

SodaStreamy · 12/07/2013 15:45

crinkle77 it's a sole trader account you just take it out as drawings ...completely legal (obviously everything has books for books for tax purposes) but if your overheads are covered the rest is your profit to do with what you wish

YouTheCat · 12/07/2013 15:47

She's already said she's going to pay back the 2k and then her dh can do what he wants with it.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 12/07/2013 15:50

Flowers and a card actually

And we have offered to put a roof over his head as he will now get kicked out of his dads sheltered accommodation

His mum has a spare room but will she put him up? Will she hell!

OP posts:
SodaStreamy · 12/07/2013 16:00

honestly it sounds like a nightmare situation .

The lad might now turn out ok,, he is going to be going through so many emotions and might surprise you both Smile

It's timing that only hell could invent...you're mum dying at the same time.

I think you should focus on your mum however also acknowledge someone in your DH's family is also deceased , that too is worth acknowledging however your personal grief at the moment takes priority

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