Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Either I am sensible or a mega bitch

91 replies

Arnie123 · 12/07/2013 12:51

Not sure whether people will see my point of view on this or flame me as the bitch from hell.

Background my 40 year old hubby has an 18 yr old half brother. I have been with hubby 4 years and we have only seen him a handful of times apart from when he asked for a job off me. I gave him a job and he lasted one week before he stopped turning up and did not bother to phone in and let me know. I went to his house and he was smoking pot with his mates a d said he did not want to go to work as he had decided to decorate the house.

Hubby shares mum with this guy. My mum in law threw him out of the house at 15 due to truanting and bad behaviour to live with his dad. I think this was a disgraceful thing to do as dad was a severe and violent schizophrenic who could not even look after himself.

Anyway the dad died last week and the whole family are on benefits and cannot afford the funeral. Apparently they pay out and then the social foot some of the bill after they get the receipts. Some being the important word here

Hubby has today said he will lend them 1400 out of MY business account. The problem is even if we take him to court for not repaying the cash the judge will let him pay it off at 5 per week as he is on benefits

This is about laying a relative to rest but it is also about cash I have grafter to earn and I think I will never see again

I am happy to offer a token amount eg 100 but hubby has already said we can afford it

Am I being a cow here?

OP posts:

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 12/07/2013 13:25

also here

YouTheCat · 12/07/2013 13:27

And this isn't your dh's dad? This is his half-brother's dad? Have I got that right?

firesidechat · 12/07/2013 13:27

The incinerator thing is complete rubbish. Even people who die with no money get treated with respect. I believe that a very basic funeral can be funded by the state. it will be very basic, but at least he will be buried with some dignity. There may also be grants available for situations like this. People who will tell barefaced lies to get money don't deserve it.

I have a sole trader account and no way would my husband suggest something like this. It is beyond cheeky. From what I understand the deceased has no real link to your husband therefore he has no obligation to pay and certainly not with your business cash.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 12/07/2013 13:31

Meant to say that it is covered by section 46 (1) of the public health act 1984. That's what those links describe

Ezio · 12/07/2013 13:33

Isnt that actually fraud?

Also they wont incinerate him, they will see if hes got anything of value to sell to put towards his funeral if they family wont pay.

Twitterqueen · 12/07/2013 13:36

No, no, no, no.
As others have said:
a) it's illegal
b) it's your company
c) why does your DH think he can arbitrarily spend 'your' money?
d) you are not responsible for your half-brother's money problems.

I could go on.....

raisah · 12/07/2013 13:40

Tell him to pay for it out of his savings account or credit cards not out of your business account. That was way out of line offering your money without your permission.

CuChullain · 12/07/2013 13:45

If taken from the business account it will need to be declared as a loan, dividends or expense. It will appear in your end of your accounts that you submit to Companies House and HMRC. If it is declared a dividend it may be taxable. If you company is running is just breaking even you might be left short at the end of year when you have to pay corporation tax. At the end of the day it is seriously not worth the hassle of taking money out of your business account.

ihearsounds · 12/07/2013 13:45

Dwp have a funeral fund. He makes a claim and includes the invoice. they will then pay the funeral home directly. They pay various costs including up to £700 for pall bearer, and a car.

If you loan this money you will only do so on the conditino that you help full in the form and where it asks who to pay, this has your name on it, It doesnt go to the brother or any other person, but direct to you.. You will also post the form... Your dh also has to know and sign a contract along with the brother that if for any reason dwp do not pay, your dh will be responsbile for the repayment, and you expect this to be within 1 month of the dwp refusal.. How he gets it back after from his brother is not your problem, because he should not be making promises to anyone with regards to other peoples money.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 12/07/2013 13:53

YANBU

Your husband has no right to give away your money, how dare he promise this money to them without your permission

Cailinsalach · 12/07/2013 13:55

As a sole trader, any money taken from your business account should be accounted for as drawings. It is perfectly legal. However I would not pay a brass farthing towards this funeral.

Original poster

Arnie123 · 12/07/2013 14:01

I have checked with the hospital the incinerator thing is rubbish. In fact the hospital will provide a very basic funeral as a last resort but my relative wants his dad buried and not cremated. Perhaps if he had not walked our of the job I gave him he could afford this expense but he wanted to smoke pot with his mates

Husband is being a twat as he put two thousand in the business when we started up. He is now demanding it back

I have said if relative is so sure he can repay a loan go to wonga.com

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 12/07/2013 14:04

He wants him buried? Well he best get a job then. We can't all afford what we want.

If he wants his £2k back, offer him installments.

SodaStreamy · 12/07/2013 14:21

No now you are starting to sound unreasonable.

Your husbands half brother who is only 18 , 18 has just lost his dad and is worrying about funeral costs and you think your husband is being a twat by wanting to help?

Then you say your husband actually gave you £2000 to start your sole trader business and your now getting precious that he wants it back to help with his funeral costs!

You say when 'we' started up but you obviously think it's your venture and your money now and are forgetting that your husband put in £2000

You also say he 'shouldn't have walkd out the job you were good enough to give' perhaps you were a nightmare to work for.

Your talking about an 18 year old child who has just lost his father, even your husband wants to help and it seems like you don't because he wounded your pride when he walked out a job you provided.

If you want to create a huge problem in your marriage keep doing what your doing and being cold hearted

PrincessKitKat · 12/07/2013 14:23

I'd be LIVID.
But could you talk to the council directly to see if you can be the payee for the refund that comes back? I'm sure that must be possible? And horrible family have no right to object if you're 'lending' the money?
Is it a route worth investigating if getting it back is the main problem?

Original poster

Arnie123 · 12/07/2013 14:23

If he would have kept the job I got h he would have been able to afford this

Oh the irony...

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/07/2013 14:25

I don't think OP is being cold hearted at all and I do think her DH is being a twat. Op when he gave you that 2k to start your business did he say he may want it back at some stage??

Burials are more expensive than cremations but it depends if you are buried in a church yard or a big cemetry. The plot will be more expensive if you are in a cemetry as you will ultimately own that piece of land where the deceased is buried whereas if you are in a churchyard the land still belongs to the church so you just pay them a fee which will be a lot less.

Like you say, if the half bro had actually kept his job........stand firm, you are not cold hearted!

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2013 14:25

" In fact the hospital will provide a very basic funeral as a last resort"

It is the LA that will provide a funeral, but it would be a cremation not a burial.

In all fairness the lad, has lost his Dad at 18, after a shit life.

If your DH wants to help out his brother, he is entitled to, having a grave is important to some people and it sounds as though the brother has a lot to sort out in his own mind, so may find a cremation over and done with too quickly.

Your DH needs to decide if he wants to lend him the money and should be able to turn to you, if you have it.

As i said, your DH may be seeing this as a turning point to start a relationship, which is usual when a half sibling turns 18, especially when there has been family problems.

The lad has been shown addiction is a norm, by being sent to live with an addict (alcoholic), this could be what he needs to start to turn his life around.

18 is a bit young to write someone off.

mynameisslimshady · 12/07/2013 14:25

Yanbu about the money, but you do sound very heartless, a little empathy for a young man who has just lost his dad wouldn't go amiss.

Original poster

Arnie123 · 12/07/2013 14:29

My mum died last week and I did not even get a bloody sympathy card from any of them.

Perhaps I am harsh but I am someone who has stupidly loaned money to other friends and family in the past never to see a penny again

OP posts:

SodaStreamy · 12/07/2013 14:31

In fact I'm so incensed at your attitude towards this 18 year old, pm his details and I'll pay for the funeral

No child you ever ever have to be in a situation were they are worrying about funeral costs for a deceased parent whilst there are grown up family members around

Have a heart ffs and yes you are a mega bitch

SodaStreamy · 12/07/2013 14:33

sorry to hear about your mum Arnie that bit of info was not there at the start of the thread

EldritchCleavage · 12/07/2013 14:37

So sorry to hear about your mother.

You will not get the money back, I am sure, and what will that do to your relationship with your DH? I would feel massively resentful. Your DH could, of course, take out a bank loan if he is keen to pay for everything.

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2013 14:39

"My mum died last week and I did not even get a bloody sympathy card from any of them"

Who are "they"? Your DH's Mum, or his Brother, who must be having a difficult time, being only 18. If you are speaking about his Mum, then your DH needs to address this.

Losing a parent before you are an independent adult, is very different than when you are older. There must of been neglect going on, if he was, in fact an alcoholic. Your DH's mother should never have thrown her underage son out, i am surprised he didn't offer him a home, tbh.

The brother will have a lot going on in his head, now and in the future, read the "Relationship" board on here.

"but I am someone who has stupidly loaned money to other friends and family in the past never to see a penny again"

It is your DH who should be loaning the money, so it is your DH that needs to pay you back.

LimitedEditionLady · 12/07/2013 14:40

This isnt the OP fault.Shes getting stick for being heartless but to be fair shes got a business to run from that money and had the decision made for her.Theres giving a kind gesture which is nice but its a lot to risk.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread