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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... to have an argument with SIL over her post about controlled crying?

361 replies

katykuns · 12/07/2013 11:45

Post: 'Dear mommy,

I am confused.
I am used to falling asleep in your soft, warm arms. Each night I lay snuggled close to you; close enough to hear your heartbeat, close enough to smell your sweet fragrance. I gaze at your beautiful face as I gently drift off to sleep, safe and secure in your loving embrace. When I awaken with a growling stomach, cold feet or because I need a cuddle, you attend to me quickly and before long I am sound asleep once again.
But this last week has been different.

Gentle, Tear-Free Sleep Solution
Each night this week has gone like this. You tucked me up into my cot and kissed me goodnight, turned out the light and left. At first I was confused, wondering where you?d gone. Soon I became scared, and called for you. I called and called for you mummy, but you wouldn?t come! I was so sad, mummy. I wanted you so badly. I?ve never felt feelings that strong before. Where did you go?
Eventually you came back! Oh, how happy and relieved I was that you came back! I thought you had left me forever! I reached up to you but you wouldn?t pick me up. You wouldn?t even look me in the eye. You lay me back down with those soft warm arms, said ?shh, it?s night time now? and left again.
This happened again, over and over. I screamed for you and after a while, longer each time, you would return but you wouldn?t hold me.
After I had screamed a while, I had to stop. My throat hurt so badly. My head was pounding and my tiny tummy was growling. My heart hurt the most, though. I just couldn?t understand why you wouldn?t come.
After what felt like a lifetime of nights like this, I gave up. You don?t come when I scream, and when you do finally come you won?t even look me in the eye, let alone hold my shaking, sobbing little body. The screaming hurt too much to carry on for very long.
I just don?t understand, mummy. In the daytime when I fall and bump my head, you pick me up and kiss it better. If I am hungry, you feed me. If I crawl over to you for a cuddle, you read my mind and scoop me up, covering my tiny face with kisses and telling me how special I am and how much you love me. If I need you, you respond to me straight away.
But at night time, when it?s dark and quiet and my night-light casts strange shadows on my wall, you disappear. I can see that you?re tired, mummy, but I love you so much. I just want to be near to you, that?s all.
Now, at night time, I am quiet. But I still miss you.'

She doesn't understand why it's angered me. In my opinion, it's emotional blackmail and utterly manipulative. I did controlled crying with DD1, but she was naturally a good sleeper so it wasn't really a challenging experience. DD2 isn't a great sleeper, and we do try for a few minutes to see if she will settle, but get her back up when she doesn't.
As I see it, this is written by an adult projecting her own feelings about CC onto others through the form of a poor vulnerable baby, it really doesn't sit right with me at all.
I don't really agree with co-sleeping, but I never would post stuff like this to upset people doing co-sleeping.

OP posts:
Madmum24 · 12/07/2013 19:14

I don't agree with CC at all, but after reading the first few lines I got creeped out......

MiaowTheCat · 12/07/2013 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePowerof3 · 12/07/2013 19:18

It's horrid isn't it, I saw something similar posted by someone I previously respected along the lines of Dear Mommy, don't look at your phone at the park or you'll miss the sunlight twinkling in my hair blah blah bleurgh. They may have good points but it gets lost in a sea of barf

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 12/07/2013 19:32

I haven't read this all but I'm baffled as to why people would credit a baby (who is just learning to sit up and control their fingers and thumbs) with such developed cognition. I'm not denying CC is distressing for them (they are crying after all) but contemplating a sense of bewilderment as to why "mummy normally comforts them" is daft. If they were scarred and remembered what had happened then surely they'd have the baby equivalent of the raging gimp in the morning wouldn't they? But no, I'm sure they're all smiles again.
That is merely a projection of our feelings.

RhondaJean · 12/07/2013 19:35

It's a pile of utter shite.

Ignore ignore ignore.

CreatureRetorts · 12/07/2013 19:37

YABU to get annoyed. If you're confident in your choices then who gives a flying macaroni what she says or thinks.

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 12/07/2013 19:37

Raging hump! Hump! Not gimp!! Blush

LookingForwardToMarch · 12/07/2013 19:42

I agree with your sil's feelings....

But that post is beyond cheesy!

rowtunda · 12/07/2013 19:57

Ahh nina I can see you have complete and utter tunnel vision.

It is not a biased article at all! It quotes authors from two of the papers that you have referenced who have stated that their work in no way supports the attachment parenting scaremongering that leaving your baby to cry will lead to development problems in the future.

I can see you are not going to be convinced though - keep scaremongering and guilt tripping at your own will.

Sheshelob · 12/07/2013 20:02

YANBU

"This must bother you because you feel guilty"

The catchphrase of the mother superiors.

There is hardly a phrase that winds me up more. It must be because I am so guilty, and have nothing to do with the fact that I hate passive aggressive arseholes trying to shut down debate.

And I say this as someone who did not CC and never would.

Lives and grips need to be got. Mainly lives.

bumbleymummy · 12/07/2013 20:06

How is it 'shutting down debate' to like and share something that you agree with on FB?

Sheshelob · 12/07/2013 20:10

I wasn't referring to the FB post but to some of the responses here. You get them on every thread that brings up any of the central pillars of mummy wars. It is like a standard catch phrase for competitive parents and it is dull.

HoleyGhost · 12/07/2013 20:18

Spreading nonsense about cortisol as you have above is malicious.

HoleyGhost · 12/07/2013 20:22

Meaning Nina's posts obviously

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 12/07/2013 20:28

Point her in the direction of Net Huns and advise your brother to get a divorce.

monicalewinski · 12/07/2013 20:29

The cortisol message is the current fashionable urban myth, created to shame mothers.

Ledkr · 12/07/2013 20:34

I didn't agree with cc until baby number five was still waking at over two yrs old. I was ill literally ill mentally and physically. Dh and I were failing in our jobs which could massively impact on other people.
Dd1 was awake for long periods overnight and very tired and emotional in the day.
I was seriously considering us separating just so we could share care.
My gp offered me anti depressants.
Dd2 was a tired whingeing wreck who didn't eat properly and fell over a lot.
As it happened we toughed it out a bit but the results were almost immediate.
We are so much happier.

Ledkr · 12/07/2013 20:38

The cortisol argument is irrelevant actually.
Children of exhausted depressed parents could suffer from high cortisol levels.
Children of shouty stressed out parents could too.
Any effects upon the brain will be counteracted before aged 3 with good soothing empathic parenting, all of which are nearon impossible to achieve when exhausted.

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 12/07/2013 20:39

With regards to the Cortisol arguement, my daughter was poorly with a sepsis infection when she was born, although this wasn't discovered until her 4th day in neonatal. Through blood tests they discovered her body wasn't producing cortisol when she cried.

The doctors told me cortisol is released when crying regardless. I was holding her and comforting her during the tests. It was all due to the infection, she's totally fine now.

That said, it's my personal preference not to leave her crying.

Other parents can do whatever they feel is best.

Francagoestohollywood · 12/07/2013 21:07

Monicalewinski Grin

Chunderella · 12/07/2013 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoniRanger · 12/07/2013 21:32

Catgirl you are my new Internet crush xx

ThePowerof3 · 12/07/2013 21:39

Catgirl, that was hilarious. I haven't done CC as I haven't had to as yet but a lot of the people I've come across on MN who are dead against it can be very aggressive in their views and don't come over as baby centric softies

Beautifulbabyboy · 12/07/2013 21:45

Ahhhh bumbleymummy you annoy me so much! I was an awful sleeper as a baby too, horrendous apparently, and my parents refused to control cry me, as a baby, as a toddler, as a little person and so on. Perfect, you are probably thinking. Wrong! Very wrong! I am now in my 30s, and still an awful sleeper, still hate sleeping alone at night, scared of the dark, wake every 2-3 hours, and don't know what a full nights sleep means.

My mums friend who had a child the same age as me, she was controlled cried. This person, now obviously in her 30s as well, sleeps like a dream, in her own home on her own in the dark.

I wish I could have realised that being awake, in the dark and alone was nothing to fear. My parents made the wrong decision in not controlled crying me.

So if anyone does CC, just think of me, and that potential you are giving your baby a confidence in themselves to sleep on their own, which I have seriously never had.

(I only started being brave enough to sleep in the semi dark when I got married! - my DH is a saint and doesn't understand how I can function during the day! It's a lifetime of practise!!)

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 12/07/2013 21:48

Maybe I just feel hormonal and there is nothing wrong with feeling emotional but that made me want to cry and feel really sorry for the baby. I don't agree with CC though. I'll settle my baby and try to get her relaxed but if she cries properly I'll hold her a while or if it calls for it, co sleep with her. If she's just gurgling, I'll leave her in the cot because she's perfectly happy.

I don't judge others for what they do though, that's up to them but if the baby is hungry I do find it really harsh to not feed them. They are so little and as this piece explains and overexaggerates and they don't understand why you are doing this and it could really upset them. They wont remember it though, unless you do it as they are a child.

But it all depends on your child and how they sleep though.

It's a bit too much trying to guilt trip a parent I agree but that is probably how the baby feels though.

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