... to have an argument with SIL over her post about controlled crying?

[katykuns]

Post: 'Dear mommy,

I am confused.
I am used to falling asleep in your soft, warm arms. Each night I lay snuggled close to you; close enough to hear your heartbeat, close enough to smell your sweet fragrance. I gaze at your beautiful face as I gently drift off to sleep, safe and secure in your loving embrace. When I awaken with a growling stomach, cold feet or because I need a cuddle, you attend to me quickly and before long I am sound asleep once again.
But this last week has been different.

Gentle, Tear-Free Sleep Solution
Each night this week has gone like this. You tucked me up into my cot and kissed me goodnight, turned out the light and left. At first I was confused, wondering where you?d gone. Soon I became scared, and called for you. I called and called for you mummy, but you wouldn?t come! I was so sad, mummy. I wanted you so badly. I?ve never felt feelings that strong before. Where did you go?
Eventually you came back! Oh, how happy and relieved I was that you came back! I thought you had left me forever! I reached up to you but you wouldn?t pick me up. You wouldn?t even look me in the eye. You lay me back down with those soft warm arms, said ?shh, it?s night time now? and left again.
This happened again, over and over. I screamed for you and after a while, longer each time, you would return but you wouldn?t hold me.
After I had screamed a while, I had to stop. My throat hurt so badly. My head was pounding and my tiny tummy was growling. My heart hurt the most, though. I just couldn?t understand why you wouldn?t come.
After what felt like a lifetime of nights like this, I gave up. You don?t come when I scream, and when you do finally come you won?t even look me in the eye, let alone hold my shaking, sobbing little body. The screaming hurt too much to carry on for very long.
I just don?t understand, mummy. In the daytime when I fall and bump my head, you pick me up and kiss it better. If I am hungry, you feed me. If I crawl over to you for a cuddle, you read my mind and scoop me up, covering my tiny face with kisses and telling me how special I am and how much you love me. If I need you, you respond to me straight away.
But at night time, when it?s dark and quiet and my night-light casts strange shadows on my wall, you disappear. I can see that you?re tired, mummy, but I love you so much. I just want to be near to you, that?s all.
Now, at night time, I am quiet. But I still miss you.'

She doesn't understand why it's angered me. In my opinion, it's emotional blackmail and utterly manipulative. I did controlled crying with DD1, but she was naturally a good sleeper so it wasn't really a challenging experience. DD2 isn't a great sleeper, and we do try for a few minutes to see if she will settle, but get her back up when she doesn't.
As I see it, this is written by an adult projecting her own feelings about CC onto others through the form of a poor vulnerable baby, it really doesn't sit right with me at all.
I don't really agree with co-sleeping, but I never would post stuff like this to upset people doing co-sleeping.

I am a little interested to find out what co-sleepers do to stop co-sleeping. Do you sleep with them until they leave home or do you at some point say to them you are old enough now and they just happily skip off into their own room?

Don't you at some point have to teach them to sleep on their own? And meanwhile do you have a sex life? Couple time? Do you go to bed at 7pm with them? Just interested to find out.

HaveIgotpoosforyou, that's exactly what the posts are banking on

haveigot how old is your baby?
Of course you feed them when they are hungry. Most people here are talking about babies at least 6 months plus who are waking every few hours through the night. It isn't about hunger. If it was a case of a quick feed then back to sleep I wouldn't have done cc, I'd've just fed her.

HaveIGotPoosForYou your response is exactly why that sort of crap is malicious; it preys on the overly heightened hormonal emotions of mum's to be and gives them yet another potential fail to beat themselves up with.

I wondered that boysrule
I was happy to co sleep but don't get how?
I also don't like to be sweaty and uncomfortable or have my head sat on all night
I know you can have sex in other places but with older kids around as well you do tend to need your own room/bed.

*Sorry, inappropriate apostrophe in "mums"!

To stop DS co-sleeping we did 'gentle' sleep training - he still cried - a lot. But one of us was with him at all times.

I don't do any kind of frequent return based sleep training because DD found it so upsetting and got more and more wound up. However, I don't agree with the cortisol arguments, and I don't have a problem with CC if it suits the personality of your children.

We tried to co-sleep with DD as well, BTW but she just wouldn't sleep with another person in bed.

Now she us older it is obvious, she is so easily distracted, and her sleep hygiene has to be spot on or she will spend hours lying awake trying to sleep.

All children are different, they need approaching differently and believing there is only one right way will destroy you if it doesn't fit your child!

I agree that sil has a right to post what she wants on her fb however i feel it most likely was done so op would see it and feel a reaction.iI felt sad after reading that story like i felt bad when i read the anti abortion one as thats what they are designed to. They are to influence you. I dont agree with co sleeping but thats my opinion for myself and not for others. Not everybody who does cc dont do it as a last resort but its because thats what they think will work for them.If others want to do cosleep and cc thats up to them, i dont judge them, nor do i judge people who are against it. I dont like it when people try to force their feelings on others. I dont think you are bu to feel angry op, if someone had been offended by something i had put on fb and had asked me nicely i would have taken it down. On the other hand i wouldnt have put up a post to purposely get a reaction out of someone.
Cat your post, just fab.
Op do what you want, your child. Dont let others beliefs and fears influence you. Just because somethings dont work for others dont mean they work for you.

Of all the shit I will probably do that will inadvertently lead to my DS needing therapy when he is older, controlled crying is probably going to be low down on the list.

That FB post is a pile of wanky, self satisfied vomit. If you believe that your particular special snowflake is capable of those kinds of complex emotions and reasoning at the tender age of 8 months, then you have got a long road ahead of you my friend. Good luck with that.

For what it's worth, CC is an absolute last ditch thing for me. Because while he is crying, I'm still not getting any sleep. We have used it once or twice but then DS is not one for co-sleeping and needs to be on his own, in a dark, quiet room, to sleep. BUT, he's just a good sleeper and I'm not stupid enough to believe that what we have done in the 18 months of his life has had much effect on what he is naturally. We are lucky!

The only other person I know IRL who used CC, did so after being so sleep deprived, for so long, that she fell asleep at the wheel of her car. When her baby was in the car with her. At that point, anyone who judged her for doing CC, can quite frankly go fuck themselves.

Respect ^^ HopAlongOn .

hopalong I totally agree. The motion that sleep deprivation is part of motherhood is quite frankly BS. Yea we don't expect long lie ins and 6/7 hour stretches are considered fab. That we live with and accept. But as you pointed out sleep deprivation gets DANGEROUS at some point and there isn't anyone who can convince me that a few days of some crying is worse than falling asleep in circumstances that threaten the health and well being of your family. It's not used as torture for no reason and babies have died as a result of parents falling asleep on sofas. No one likes to hear their baby cry but people need to function.

YY HopAlongOn & Wheresmycaffeinedrip.

Reading that has made me feel guilty for leaving my baby to cry to sleep 12 years ago!

I never knew it as 'controlled crying' just went on advice of HV and parents.

I was young and hadn't a clue what I was doing so thought that was what everyone did to get their babies to sleep.

Even though my babies have not been damaged in any way by CC I still feel awful reading that god awful post it would be dreadful if a young mum read that and felt like she was fucking up her babies life.

ThisVehicle - I think the post is probably aimed at people who are feeling under pressure from HV/family members. Some people may reconsider.

This is stooping to a new low really. This is just an adult vew on controlled crying, very manipulative. Just ignore

This vehicle dont feel bad. That style worked for you you have nothing to be ashamed of! That post is designed to make you feel guilty

What a load of absolute piffle. Instead of writing excruciatingly cheesy, passively aggressive twaddle and posting it on Facebook, why don't they actually speak to adults who were CCd as babies to find out what effect it actually has?

My Mum has a large group of friends who all had babies at the same time (late 70's and early 80's). I found out recently that ALL of them did CC (which was just 'putting your baby to bed' back then) and not ONE of us kids remembers it, begrudges it or has suffered in life because of it. All of us are happy, successful, relatively stress-free and have great relationships with our parents. I know the plural of anecdote isn't data, but to me the actual opinion of 15 successful adults who didn't know (and don't give a flying feck) that they were CCd is worth more than these horrible guilt laden projections about what babies may or may not be thinking.

I think 'putting your baby to bed' may have been more CIO (cry it out) than CC tbh ie. putting them down and just leaving them to cry themselves to sleep without any interaction :(

Her baby may say that but mine says the opposite, isn't it funny how they're all different ;-)

Dear mommy,

I am confused. I am used to you doing what is healthy for me, you always cuddle me when I need it, feed me the healthy food to help me grow big and strong and help me play safely.
These past few weeks its all different.

I'm so tired. I don't know how to get to sleep by myself as you are always there when i wake up nursing me, which i love but i dont know how to sleep without it now. I need you to teach me. Like you teach me how to talk and like you teach me what things are around me by reading to me, like you teach me its not safe to play with dangerous things. Sometimes if I'd like to chew on something I shouldn't then I cry when you take it away, but I know really its for the best and I love you so much mommy for doing what's best for me even though its hard to see me cry for a little bit.

I'm so tired. I don't get more than an hours sleep at a time. I'm grumpy in the day time and can't enjoy all the lovely activities you plan for us. You must be tired too mommy? You look tired, I see your face is so tired and that you are teary sometimes and snap at daddy and my sister. If you helped me get good healthy sleep then you could sleep more too and we would both be happier.
I know its hard to see me cry while I'm learning but please I need you to guide me as I can't figure things out myself yet (I'm glad you don't let me lead the way with food or I'd eat sweets all the time mommy!)

I'm growing up mommy, I'm not a tiny baby any more, I'm a toddler. I know you love me and want what's best for me but loving me doesn't mean responding to my every want any more. As I'm getting bigger my wants aren't always the same as my needs.

I love you mommy, please let me sleep ;-)

yeah, 'leave me to cry mummy, please' is exactly what a baby wants.

Exactly! The point being that sometimes what a baby wants and what a baby needs are not the same thing!
I don't do controlled crying, but I don't like the tone of the post in the OP so was offering up an alternative. If I posted it on FB then it would get the same reaction as you just gave (rightly), because its preachy and full of shit, same as the post in the OP ;-)

Just another 'preachy mummy' status, making others feel like shit so that they can feel superior in their choices. It's manipulative. Whatever anyone's views on cc, breastfeeding, baby wearing etc, this is manipulative.

I cannot stand this, I've had similar about breastfeeding which in theory is all well and good. I formula fed but I do believe that breastfeeding is best and I do regret my decision - however, when the comments on the post went from agreeing that 'breastfeeding is best' to 'formula feeding is essentially poisoning your baby' I drew the line and defriended her.

My point is that it's not the theory that I agree or disagree with, and I think the OP is saying the same thing. It's the manipulative ways that the SIL has gone about it. By making someone else's choice out to be damaging it is somehow making them feel more proud of their own choices. SIL obviously didn't need to do CC, neither did I but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit there and judge others for the choices they made. I have no idea what it's like to have no sleep, the same as my 'friend' had no idea what it was like for me and breastfeeding. Sometimes these decisions are made FOR us and not necessarily BY us and you do what you think is best at the time sleep deprived, hormonal and emotional.

OP I hope you SIL is kept at a distance, no one needs that crap thrown at them. I'd call her on it next time you see her, half the problem with Facebook is that people don't connect it to their real lives so they say what they like without a thought for others.

I did do CC with all three of mine. Add far as I can tell they were not emotionally damaged. They do all go to bed at a reasonable and sleep well.

That post is a load of manipulative crap. It is an adult projecting a set of emotions and values onto a baby.