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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... to have an argument with SIL over her post about controlled crying?

361 replies

katykuns · 12/07/2013 11:45

Post: 'Dear mommy,

I am confused.
I am used to falling asleep in your soft, warm arms. Each night I lay snuggled close to you; close enough to hear your heartbeat, close enough to smell your sweet fragrance. I gaze at your beautiful face as I gently drift off to sleep, safe and secure in your loving embrace. When I awaken with a growling stomach, cold feet or because I need a cuddle, you attend to me quickly and before long I am sound asleep once again.
But this last week has been different.

Gentle, Tear-Free Sleep Solution
Each night this week has gone like this. You tucked me up into my cot and kissed me goodnight, turned out the light and left. At first I was confused, wondering where you?d gone. Soon I became scared, and called for you. I called and called for you mummy, but you wouldn?t come! I was so sad, mummy. I wanted you so badly. I?ve never felt feelings that strong before. Where did you go?
Eventually you came back! Oh, how happy and relieved I was that you came back! I thought you had left me forever! I reached up to you but you wouldn?t pick me up. You wouldn?t even look me in the eye. You lay me back down with those soft warm arms, said ?shh, it?s night time now? and left again.
This happened again, over and over. I screamed for you and after a while, longer each time, you would return but you wouldn?t hold me.
After I had screamed a while, I had to stop. My throat hurt so badly. My head was pounding and my tiny tummy was growling. My heart hurt the most, though. I just couldn?t understand why you wouldn?t come.
After what felt like a lifetime of nights like this, I gave up. You don?t come when I scream, and when you do finally come you won?t even look me in the eye, let alone hold my shaking, sobbing little body. The screaming hurt too much to carry on for very long.
I just don?t understand, mummy. In the daytime when I fall and bump my head, you pick me up and kiss it better. If I am hungry, you feed me. If I crawl over to you for a cuddle, you read my mind and scoop me up, covering my tiny face with kisses and telling me how special I am and how much you love me. If I need you, you respond to me straight away.
But at night time, when it?s dark and quiet and my night-light casts strange shadows on my wall, you disappear. I can see that you?re tired, mummy, but I love you so much. I just want to be near to you, that?s all.
Now, at night time, I am quiet. But I still miss you.'

She doesn't understand why it's angered me. In my opinion, it's emotional blackmail and utterly manipulative. I did controlled crying with DD1, but she was naturally a good sleeper so it wasn't really a challenging experience. DD2 isn't a great sleeper, and we do try for a few minutes to see if she will settle, but get her back up when she doesn't.
As I see it, this is written by an adult projecting her own feelings about CC onto others through the form of a poor vulnerable baby, it really doesn't sit right with me at all.
I don't really agree with co-sleeping, but I never would post stuff like this to upset people doing co-sleeping.

OP posts:
Copthallresident · 13/07/2013 17:28

The anti CC brigade probably labour under the misapprehension that all babies are alike, but why would they be when they grow up to be so different. I remember how amusing it was when the friends who had had the easy babies first and thought they had this parenting lark all sorted had the nightmare baby second, when I was enjoying the bliss of mothering a child who gurgled and slept, instead of seeking 24 hour stimulation.

Chunderella · 13/07/2013 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hotair · 13/07/2013 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumbleymummy · 13/07/2013 19:35

BeautifulBabyBoy, are you actually trying to say that because your parents didn't use CC you are scared of the dark and can't sleep alone? I have no problems with either of those things and neither do my boys despite none of us ever being left to cry. Why are you attributing your sleep issues to that and warning parents that their child will turn out like that if they don't use CC. Weird Hmm

monkeynuts123 · 13/07/2013 20:54

You don't like it because she is right and it presses all your buttons to hear it. I think it was brilliantly written and feel inclined to post it on mine.

pigletmania · 13/07/2013 20:57

Monkeynuts what something that an adult has written from their point of view. Really when it comes down to it you do not kno what a baby is feeling. Judgy much eh

MrButtercat · 13/07/2013 21:02

Hmmm perhaps you could post a similar post re mum not giving a shit re not getting enough sleep and the subsequent much reported brain drain and neg effects on development.Or perhaps how babies feel left in nursery which many cope with daily.

Did cc with my 3,it rocks.3 nights of minor crying( errr babies are built to withstand the odd bit of crying) and they've never looked bak.

M0naLisa · 13/07/2013 21:02

I did CC with my two older DS' but i cant bring myself to do it with DS3. I dont know what it is, or why but i feel its because i had PND with the boys and CC didnt bother me. If DS3 cries, im there like a shot to comfort him. I feel guilty leaving him. That post has made me feel sad :(

formicadinosaur · 13/07/2013 21:06

I agree with her but wouldn't post it on FB. Can you just not comment and instead post on your wall about what a happy little baby you have.

ANormalOne · 13/07/2013 21:19

I would never do CC/CIO myself, but I really can't stand crap like this; I also can't stand people who say, 'If you don't like it, it's because you feel guilty about your choices', horseshit, it's because it's soppy mawkish drivel and is written by holier than though idiots who don't have FACTS to back up their opinions and have to resort to ridiculous appeals to emotion to make others feel guilty about their choices and make themselves feel superior about theirs. Angry

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/07/2013 21:27

Yanbu.

That post is mawkish and overly sentimental. Who knows what a baby thinks about anything ffs?

I don't have children yet so don't know what I'll do re sleeping arrangements when I do have a child.

I do know my parents did controlled crying with me (back in the days when it didn't have a special name). As far as I know I am not an emotionally damaged adult as a result.

Mycatistoosexy · 13/07/2013 21:31

I find it weird that people are just to quick to criticise "the anti-CC brigade" whilst moaning on about how they shouldn't be judged for using CC....

Surely the point is each to their own,ust keep rude opinions to yourself

Jux · 13/07/2013 21:35

I couldn't read it. I thought I was going to row up half way through the first para.

(I didn't CC, btw).

JaquelineHyde · 13/07/2013 21:49

What a load of old clap trap, I felt sick reading it!.

I would tell your friend that she should get her child signed up to Mensa if they are writing letters like that at such a young age.

Chunderella · 13/07/2013 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NachoAddict · 13/07/2013 22:00

Oh god that actually made me cry.

I have to turn charity ads over too because they make me cry. Miles anyone?

We are attempting night weaning tonight, not through controlled crying but through dp getting up instead. It's put me right off.

HaroldLloyd · 13/07/2013 22:03

You cannot be serious monkey nuts?

Ah well, if you want 50% of your friends list to vomit and the other 50% to hide you, crack on.

ScariestFairyByFar · 13/07/2013 22:05

Surely it's designed to help people empathise with what their babies suffer when they do CC and thanks to science we know that babies do suffer.

nkf · 13/07/2013 22:10

It's awful. A truly awful mawkish post. You should write one back.

During the day, I have some energy. But right now, I need some sleep too and you keep waking up. And if this goes on much longer, your lovely gentle sweet mummy will turn into psycho bitch from hell mummy. So, please go to sleep and let me get some zzz too.

ubik · 13/07/2013 22:42

And what is the science that proves babies differ during controlled crying?

Please reveal all, I know babies do not like it, but do they 'suffer?'

IfNotNowThenWhen · 13/07/2013 22:46

Good grief.
I don't really agree with the gina ford brand of CC either-But I did CC at 10 months with the help of my HV and it was was easy peasy - no more than 5 mins of crying at a time, took 2 days.
I had a sleep fighting baby, and was demented with exhaustion, and went from that to having a much happier baby, and being able to refrain from putting my head in the oven. Result!
For what its worth, I BF, used a sling and slept in the same room as ds until he was 1.5 and at 7 I still sometimes cuddle him to sleep!
But I don't HAVE to, which is the main thing.
People who post tripe like that on the internet are merely laughable and should in no way be taken seriously.
And Catgirls post needs to be posted on your facebook page OP! Grin

ScariestFairyByFar · 13/07/2013 23:00

Research shows that when babies cry the cortisol levels in their brains rise to dangerous levels. This continues even after babies have stopped crying long after parents stress levels return to normal.

Erato · 13/07/2013 23:04

Care to share the research Scariest? Not that I particularly care if other parents use CC, I'm just interested to know how valid the research is.

ScariestFairyByFar · 13/07/2013 23:05

** = when a baby continuously secretes cortisol as an infant it can have an effect on their stress response in later life (they may either over or under produce cortisol when stressed as an adult – either of these is undesirable too much cortisol can lead to anxiety and depression – too little can lead to ambivalence and emotional detachment).

babycalm.wordpress.com/2011/09/12/controlled-crying-miracle-cure-tough-love-or-dangerous-misunderstanding/

Sorry don't know how to link on phone Smile

ScariestFairyByFar · 13/07/2013 23:06

Erato on iPad just now can send you links to the actual studies tomorrow if you want