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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... to have an argument with SIL over her post about controlled crying?

361 replies

katykuns · 12/07/2013 11:45

Post: 'Dear mommy,

I am confused.
I am used to falling asleep in your soft, warm arms. Each night I lay snuggled close to you; close enough to hear your heartbeat, close enough to smell your sweet fragrance. I gaze at your beautiful face as I gently drift off to sleep, safe and secure in your loving embrace. When I awaken with a growling stomach, cold feet or because I need a cuddle, you attend to me quickly and before long I am sound asleep once again.
But this last week has been different.

Gentle, Tear-Free Sleep Solution
Each night this week has gone like this. You tucked me up into my cot and kissed me goodnight, turned out the light and left. At first I was confused, wondering where you?d gone. Soon I became scared, and called for you. I called and called for you mummy, but you wouldn?t come! I was so sad, mummy. I wanted you so badly. I?ve never felt feelings that strong before. Where did you go?
Eventually you came back! Oh, how happy and relieved I was that you came back! I thought you had left me forever! I reached up to you but you wouldn?t pick me up. You wouldn?t even look me in the eye. You lay me back down with those soft warm arms, said ?shh, it?s night time now? and left again.
This happened again, over and over. I screamed for you and after a while, longer each time, you would return but you wouldn?t hold me.
After I had screamed a while, I had to stop. My throat hurt so badly. My head was pounding and my tiny tummy was growling. My heart hurt the most, though. I just couldn?t understand why you wouldn?t come.
After what felt like a lifetime of nights like this, I gave up. You don?t come when I scream, and when you do finally come you won?t even look me in the eye, let alone hold my shaking, sobbing little body. The screaming hurt too much to carry on for very long.
I just don?t understand, mummy. In the daytime when I fall and bump my head, you pick me up and kiss it better. If I am hungry, you feed me. If I crawl over to you for a cuddle, you read my mind and scoop me up, covering my tiny face with kisses and telling me how special I am and how much you love me. If I need you, you respond to me straight away.
But at night time, when it?s dark and quiet and my night-light casts strange shadows on my wall, you disappear. I can see that you?re tired, mummy, but I love you so much. I just want to be near to you, that?s all.
Now, at night time, I am quiet. But I still miss you.'

She doesn't understand why it's angered me. In my opinion, it's emotional blackmail and utterly manipulative. I did controlled crying with DD1, but she was naturally a good sleeper so it wasn't really a challenging experience. DD2 isn't a great sleeper, and we do try for a few minutes to see if she will settle, but get her back up when she doesn't.
As I see it, this is written by an adult projecting her own feelings about CC onto others through the form of a poor vulnerable baby, it really doesn't sit right with me at all.
I don't really agree with co-sleeping, but I never would post stuff like this to upset people doing co-sleeping.

OP posts:
MintyChops · 13/07/2013 09:02

Mumupmanship at its worst. Your SIL is a preachy, boring, passive-aggressive drone. Please please please, before you unfriend her, post Catgirl's marvellous response (love you Catgirl)

nancerama · 13/07/2013 09:15

Controlled crying isn't something that I could do, but I can't bear these preachy Facebook statuses.

I tend to find that those who claim to be "gentle parents" are not very gentle at all to other parents.

Buddhagirl · 13/07/2013 09:24

Wow that's unbelievable. I'd be furious if I was you.

ubik · 13/07/2013 09:24

Funny though how attitudes to CC have changed over the last few years.

When I did it with DD1 8 years ago, some lovely ladies supported me through the first evening with Wine and reassurance.

I still remember the relief when DD1 started to actually go to bed and sleep at 7pm.

Whothefuckfarted · 13/07/2013 09:32

Doesn't sit well with me the thought of a mum sat drinking wine while the baby cries for her, and friends saying, now now, you're doing the right thing.

But like you say, you can't see anything to suggest they are damaged by it and you all get proper sleep etc now so it worked in your favour.

The SIL post is OTT. But probably not far off the mark tbh. If she posted it directly to your timeline I'd say YANBU to argue about it. If it's just in your news feed it's not worth it. Someone may have had a go at her about being too AP or something and this is her retort.

ubik · 13/07/2013 09:43

Oh yes the drinking wine thing -I should have perhaps been flagelating myself instead Grin

And sleeping well also benefits my children - they are happy and content.

HabitualLurker · 13/07/2013 10:44

I don't think the role of cortisol in the human body is as cut and dried as those quoting CC=raised cortisol=bad seem to think. This US study found that cortisol levels were higher in breastfed babies than formual fed ones. Better put away those nippiles....

GoshAnneGorilla · 13/07/2013 11:11

Thank you rowtunda, Monica, catgirl and Hopalong.

Anyone spreading wooish guff about "cortisol levels" is more malicious then any sleep-training parent could ever be.

HabitualLurker · 13/07/2013 11:42

Ahem nipples. Not sure what a nippile is.

HabitualLurker · 13/07/2013 11:42

Ahem nipples. Not sure what a nippile is.

katykuns · 13/07/2013 12:02

SIL put a post up about how tired she is this morning due to baby getting her up... oh the temptation Grin

OP posts:
LilacPeony · 13/07/2013 12:13

Your SIL isn't saying that controlled crying doesn't work though and that you get just as much sleep if you don't do it. The point she is making is more that the end doesn't justify the means. So there wouldn't be much point in your telling her "I told you so."

katykuns · 13/07/2013 12:17

I wouldn't actually say anything, but its tempting with know it all attitude to parenting... and after that post in an attempt to make anyone that CC's feel like the devil for their choices. I have an emotionally stable child, and wasn't up at 5am.

I still wouldn't say anything, that would make me a total cunt...

OP posts:
CheeseFondueRocks · 13/07/2013 12:22

I totally agree with her but wouldn't ever say so to other mums in RL, never mind post it on Fb.

LilacPeony · 13/07/2013 12:29

I think her post must be exactly how a baby experiences CC, but i wouldn't have the courage to post it on FB.

meddie · 13/07/2013 12:35

Excellent catgirl . Glad there wasnt a plethora of parenting theories around when mine were little. I just bathed them, read a story, then said night night and turned off the light. Sometimes they had a little cry, but that was considered ok. Both are happy ,healthy well adjusted adults who appear to still love me. I must phone them to let them know they were damaged as babies, as they seem unaware of it.

pigletmania · 13/07/2013 13:04

My ds was the total opposite, would not fall asleep in my nice warm arms, would not cuddle next to me, he would wriggl and squirm, and seemed happier on his back in his cot with a bottle of milk.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/07/2013 13:25

"I'd like to know if it bothers anyone else that didn't CC"

Me. It's emotive rubbish. What she's describing is 'neglect' or even 'abuse' and she's stupid if she thinks it's the same thing as CC.

ThePowerof3 · 13/07/2013 14:26

Me too, never done CC but this post bothers me

MintyChops · 13/07/2013 14:52

Habitual it's when you use your nips as a weapon......

HazleNutt · 13/07/2013 15:00

I don't think most parents would do CC if they had a baby who was indeed "gently drifting off to sleep" and "When I awaken, you attend to me quickly and before long I am sound asleep once again", like described by OPs SIL. Hmm

Copthallresident · 13/07/2013 15:28

Oh dear,

Another one with a happy secure 21 year old who appears to have survived CC as supervised by the sadly now defunct Great Ormond Street Sleep Clinic, and still loves me. She would have been a lot more damaged if she had carried on sleeping only in 20 minute bursts beyond six months. And it turns out that they were right that she didn't want to miss anything and would probably turn out to be very bright. She is now studying Science at university and currently on an internship working on a research project in a London Teaching Hospital

DD2 was a relaxed contented baby, no problems at all with sleep. Same mother, same approach, just different babies.

ElliesWellies · 13/07/2013 16:46

Actually I agree with the sentiments expressed in your SIL's post. I didn't do CC because I knew my baby wouldn't understand what I was trying to do with it.

Your child, your choice, but I think you probably dislike her post because it taps into doubts about whether you did the right thing.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 13/07/2013 17:01

The thing I don't get about the anti CC brigade is what they expect you to actually do? For most people CC comes after all the other gentle techniques. If gradual retreat and co sleeping etc don't work, then what are you meant to do? Just die of exhaustion? Get fired from your job? Have a nervous breakdown?

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 13/07/2013 17:07

Well she sounds like a twat, and whatever baby wrote that drivel, though undoubtedly g&t sounds even worse, and I'd leave it to cry too Wink