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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit annoyed with my friends?

52 replies

mummytopoppy1 · 11/07/2013 14:11

I have a group of good girlfriends from University who live in various parts of the South of England. I had a DD in November, who is now 8 months. With the exception of 1 friend, not one of these girls has made the effort to come to my home town and visit me or meet her. The main reason given for this is that they all live too far away, it is a long trip etc. (I live in Brighton, they live in Bath, North London, Cambridge and Dorset). I would go to them, but my little girl finds long car trips hard and I kind of think the effort should be from them at least once. Although this irritated me a bit, especially as my DD got older, I more or less got over it.

Just the other day, I saw 3 of these girls had tagged themselves on the dreaded FB at a cafe in Lewes, which is a mere 6 miles from my home. None of them contacted me to say they were in the area, and then a further post showed that they stayed the night for a girly couple of days away. I would have driven over there for an hour with my little girl if I had known, or I just felt it would have been nice for them to drop in and meet her for half an hour. We've all known each other for a long time and I have recently played (I'm a pianist) at all three of their weddings, for nothing.

I'll get over it in a minute, I just need to vent!

OP posts:

Trifle · 11/07/2013 14:18

There is no way in the world I would make a special effort to visit an 8 month old baby, they are not interesting to anyone other than immediate family.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/07/2013 14:20

Trifle that is harsh. I have made the effort to go and see all my friends babies, and our friends visited us - for the weekend if they lived far away to meet our babies.

Taking the baby out of the equation, if the OP hasn't seen her friends and they were so close why didn't they get it touch?

OP YANBU to be hurt, I would really be considering my friendships at this point.

EvieanneVolvic · 11/07/2013 14:23

I think trifle's point is valid (if a little blunt!) It could well be that the reason they didn't include you in was that they knew you would want to take your DD along: and why wouldn't you want to...but you're at a different point in your lives now! You're not on the same page and the presence of a small baby (even if only for a couple of hours) would have put a diffent spin on the jaunt for them. Not saying they're right...just I understand them!

Pigsmummy · 11/07/2013 14:23

Post on FB saying it's a shame that you were away (obviously you wern't but how are they to know that) otherwise you could have popped to see them as it is so close to where you are. Maybe guilt them out about the lack of invite?

To be fair I have had the same thing happen (dear friends that I have travelled hundreds of miles to visit in the past came to stay just a few miles away and never let me know) and it sucks to realise that you are not as important to them as you had hoped.

Edendance · 11/07/2013 14:23

Ah, I would definitely make the effort to visit friends- more so if they had a baby! But then, with you not visiting them either I can see why they'd be annoyed tbh. In what was does your baby 'find car journeys difficult' could someone else look after her and you have a day off? You need your own life too!

QuacksForDoughnuts · 11/07/2013 14:24

YANBU to be a bit pissed off that they didn't visit you/suggest you meet them. Not everyone is fascinated by babies but for me this would be more about seeing a friend - seeing her baby would be a side effect, be it a good one or not. If they aren't child-friendly types would you have been able to leave your daughter with her dad for a bit to catch up with them?

Feminine · 11/07/2013 14:24

I think you are justified in feeling fed up over it. I'm thinking mainly about that local meet-up!

I don't have advice. I just think they were v.thoughtless.

They are missing out, I'm sure :)

Cherriesarelovely · 11/07/2013 14:25

Very hurtful, imo it is most hurtful to find out that they were in your neck of the woods and didn't call you. I would tell them if I were you.

SalaciousBCrumb · 11/07/2013 14:25

How did you used to see them pre-baby, did you all travel or how did it work?

You are completely not being unreasonable to be hurt that they came so close and didn't say a word. I'd definitely tell them how sad you are none of them told you, as you would have loved to see them.

Original poster

mummytopoppy1 · 11/07/2013 14:26

I didn't expect an invite to their weekend away - I just thought as they were so close to my home that they might want to meet her for half an hour, especially as they've all been saying how nice it would be to meet her... I'm pretty sure I would visit their babies at some point during the first few months of their lives, but perhaps it is too much to expect of old friends.

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 11/07/2013 14:26

I would certainly go to meet the new baby of a good valued friend, especially the first one, and especially if not far away, and especially if I didn't have children myself. I think it's ridiculous to say no-one likes babies, plenty of people do, and even if you don't love them, you are going to support your good friend and her life-changing event.

SalaciousBCrumb · 11/07/2013 14:27

See I definitely wouldn't say you were away when you weren't - you won't make them feel guilty, you'll let them off the hook from feeling guilty!

harryhausen · 11/07/2013 14:27

Yes, that would upset me so yanbu. However, I wouldn't expect them to come and see my child. I would have hoped they would tell me they were coming so I could have met up with them for lunch/coffee minus baby.

When my dcs were babies I never expected anyone to come and see them. Once, a friend from London dropped in on her way back from a weekend with friends (in my city) but it was literally for a coffee. It was lovely to see her though. Now this friend has 2 small dcs. Mind are older now. I haven't visited her as she's quite tied, and mine are all busy with school or weekend activities. It's not mattered to us. It's life.

Jubelteen · 11/07/2013 14:28

It's very mean of your friends not to let you know that they were in the area so that you could have met up for a few hours. I'm sure you're very hurt and upset and YANBU to be annoyed.

EatingAllTheCrumpets · 11/07/2013 14:28

Ah it's shit isn't it. I'm in a similar position, I'm the only childless one in the group, we all live in the same town but we get together much, im always willing but they cancel laat minute. I get that they have kids, although all have partners and the kids are all 2+ now so not as "needy" as young babies, but what's galling is one, who I really feel is my closest friend, is always tagging herself in picture of sleepovers at other people houses. No kids, lots of wine. Just like we did before her DC came along.

It's hard when you're the only one with a child, it may be that they don't understand your child care arrangements and don't want to put you out, or they don't want your child tagging along. I know that's harsh but child-less people often have the impression that all you will do it go on and on about poo and sick and all the development stuff that they really don't care about. Really not meant to sound as harsh as it does... Sorry

I don't have any real solid advice except try and talk to them, explain that how you feel, it's worth a shot due to you being friends for so long. If there's no change then try and distance yourself, it's difficult but new friends are out there waiting to be found

mynameisslimshady · 11/07/2013 14:35

YANBU to feel a bit hurt, but if it was a boozy weekend then I can see where they are coming from though, they would have been hungover or ready to start on the next drink, neither of which are compatable with having a baby around.

Its horrible when friendships grow apart but sadly it does happen

Original poster

mummytopoppy1 · 11/07/2013 14:36

I wouldn't have minded leaving the baby with her dad and seeing them, or taking her along. Whatever suited them, but either way they didn't let me know they were coming to the area.

I realise that other people's babies are not always desperately interesting - and as interesting as I find mine, I'm sure she would be boring to others! I won't say anything to them, and I understand that my little one is of limited interest, I guess I'm just feeling a little friend-less these days and I'd have liked to have seen them.

OP posts:

Angelik · 11/07/2013 14:37

To be blunt - fuck 'em.

This has happened to me too. One friend said before my ds was even born that she does one obligatory visit but no more. Bitch. But this is the woman who aged 33 had a list of 'must have' and 'def no nos' in men which she carried in her handbag like some soppy 13 year old.

Good friends would visit you to see how you are and, as another poster said, the baby is a bonus.

What goes round comes round my lovely and one day, when your children are older and you've got a whole new circle of friends though them, your univ 'friends' will have children of their own and see the error of their ways and you can be mrs smug from smug town and just be too busy to visit them.

In the meantime, join some baby groups and meet like minded people.

Pixieonthemoor · 11/07/2013 14:38

Although Trifle has a point (babies are a little dull if they are not your own) these are supposed to be your friends and hopefully would want to see you!! If they were in the vicinity, would it really have put them out to email you and say hey we are going to be 6 miles from you, can we meet for a cup of tea?!

YANBU - are you going to say anything?

Eddie107 · 11/07/2013 14:39

I wouldn't be upset that they hadn't made a special trip to visit but would be pretty peeved not to be invited to the girly meet-up 6 miles from home. I'm assuming non of them have DCs themselves so they're not going to be very interested in her tbh & maybe thought you wouldn't want to bring her along to a girly day out. Let them know you'd like to be included in future.

Nagoo · 11/07/2013 14:39

YABU to expect them to visit to see your baby, but the fact that they didn't invite you when they were in the area was a bit mean :(

Just comment that you would have loved to have seen them since they were in the area, and to bear you in mind next time?

Nagoo · 11/07/2013 14:42

Change your FB picture to one of you if it is your baby.
Maybe you give off vibes that you are 'all about the baby' and have moved on from them.

Original poster

mummytopoppy1 · 11/07/2013 14:45

I will in fact see them all this weekend, as my very good friend (the one who has been down several times, and who I have taken my DD to visit, and with whom I have met up half way!) is having her hen party weekend.
I think it is probably not the right moment to say anything (somebody else's celebration!) but perhaps I will mention it another time.

I have some other friends from baby groups locally, I guess I just thought we were all pretty solid friends, babies or not, and perhaps I am now seeing that this is not the case! Things change as life moves on, and I'm completely aware of that, just a bit disappointed to be drifting from friends who I have been there for, for many years.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummytopoppy1 · 11/07/2013 14:49

Nagoo My FB picture is of me and my husband, and my cover photo of all three of us. I post some pictures of her, but definitely not obsessively. I have also posted pictures of a couple of weekends DH and I have had without her (she's been at grandmas) and of a hen party I went to so I don't think I present all about baby. And even if I was, I think that's okay when she's so small and I really don't have any choice but to be all about her!

I realise my username is not imaginative - I'm just not good at these things! They are not mums, therefore unlikely to be on mumsnet so I don't think it's going to specifically irritate them ;-)

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/07/2013 14:52

I agree with Trifle to be honest.......to a group of young women who are still living it up, kids are not interesting.

And I def wouldn't want a baby present on a girly night....no way at all.....and I say this as a mum.

Don't take it personally though, they will grow up and have kids themselves one day and all will be clear :)

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