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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed with my friends?

52 replies

mummytopoppy1 · 11/07/2013 14:11

I have a group of good girlfriends from University who live in various parts of the South of England. I had a DD in November, who is now 8 months. With the exception of 1 friend, not one of these girls has made the effort to come to my home town and visit me or meet her. The main reason given for this is that they all live too far away, it is a long trip etc. (I live in Brighton, they live in Bath, North London, Cambridge and Dorset). I would go to them, but my little girl finds long car trips hard and I kind of think the effort should be from them at least once. Although this irritated me a bit, especially as my DD got older, I more or less got over it.

Just the other day, I saw 3 of these girls had tagged themselves on the dreaded FB at a cafe in Lewes, which is a mere 6 miles from my home. None of them contacted me to say they were in the area, and then a further post showed that they stayed the night for a girly couple of days away. I would have driven over there for an hour with my little girl if I had known, or I just felt it would have been nice for them to drop in and meet her for half an hour. We've all known each other for a long time and I have recently played (I'm a pianist) at all three of their weddings, for nothing.

I'll get over it in a minute, I just need to vent!

OP posts:
Pennyacrossthehall · 11/07/2013 14:58

mummytopoppy1
I have a group of good girlfriends from University ... not one of these girls has made the effort to come to my home town and visit me or meet her.

  1. YABU expecting people without children to want to meet your daughter. At 8 months, she is pretty uninteresting (to others).
  2. YANBU to expect them to visit you as often as they used to before DD arrived. ie. if they visited every month before, then stopped, that is unreasonable. If they used to come to visit once a year then they are acting the same as they used to.

...I saw 3 of these girls [were] a mere 6 miles from my home

That, on the other hand, reflects pretty poorly on them.

Madeyemoodysmum · 11/07/2013 15:01

Ditch them, they sound like cows. Its easy to make new friends once you have kids. My friend circle is much bigger now, and I see my old friends but we have all changed in our different ways If they didnt bother with me In such a callous way I'd bin them for sure. Life's too short for users.

Original poster
mummytopoppy1 · 11/07/2013 15:02

I wouldn't dream of taking my baby on a girly night, or any night out in fact! That would be dreadful for all present including baby. Was more just a coffee in the daytime that went through my mind.

I didn't realise other people's babies were so boring to others - I don't find other people's babies boring at all, I like to meet them, especially those of friends. But, now I know I shall bear it in mind :-)

OP posts:
Burmobasher · 11/07/2013 15:06

Yanbu.
Having a baby does make you realise who your real mates are, the ones who don't drop you just cos you can't go out on the lash every weekend anymore.
Yes, babies aren't that interesting to others but I would make the effort for any of my friends. Surely a true friend would want to show an interest in the most important event in your life.
One day, they will kids of their own and then they will realise that they WBU.

Annakin31 · 11/07/2013 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ByHecuba · 11/07/2013 15:11

I would be upset too.
Since having DD I have realised who my friends are. Surprisingly, two child-free (intentionally) friends have been the best and have never made me feel like 'just a mum', whilst still making a great effort with my DD.
An old friend however, has pretty much dropped me.
Pretty cowardly of them IMO.

Keztrel · 11/07/2013 15:13

Have you actually invited them to visit, or said you can't visit them at the moment but they're welcome to pop by if they're in the area? Did you used to make the effort to see each other regularly? They could just be assuming it's too much hassle for you to have visitors or come out with the baby. If they're true friends, you can talk to them about stuff like this and they'll listen. If they're not, screw them, you will find better friends :)

Eyesunderarock · 11/07/2013 15:15

How often did you visit each others' homes before you had Poppy?
Can't you meet up in London with a couple of them?

Eyesunderarock · 11/07/2013 15:19

xpost Keztrel. Smile

TBH a lot of mothers make a huge fuss about dozens of things, from food to naps to safety issues to environment to the 1001 pieces of equipment required, so perhaps they are worried about the bother to them and to you.
I know that I used to read during my sister's eternal phone conversations about the poo and eating and activities of her PFB and I was a parent already.
Even though you may not be that kind of parent, they may be wary.

bleedingheart · 11/07/2013 15:30

YANBU

A non-specific 8 mth old is not intersting to me but the 8mth old of an old friend is.

I always want to see friends after they've given birth to see if they are okay, let alone the baby.

To not pop in and see you or ask you to meet them for lunch when nearby is upsetting.

bleedingheart · 11/07/2013 15:31

*interesting

Original poster
mummytopoppy1 · 12/07/2013 10:05

We would meet up every 6-8 weeks or so for lunch in our university town. If somebody had something exciting happen to them like a new house/flat, then we would visit them there.
One of these meetups was arranged in December, about 3 weeks after the birth of Poppy. I didn't attend this time as I wasn't ready for a long journey with her at that point, I was still struggling with feeding and general new baby stuff and I didn't think anyone else would enjoy themselves much.

Thanks for all your comment, helpful to see what others think and stops any serious overreacting!

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 12/07/2013 10:17

I just don't understand everyone saying 8 month olds aren't interesting the whole point is that if you have a good friendship, everything that happens in your friend's life is moderately interesting, so their new fella, their career dilemmas, what to wear for a do, their mum/dad/sisters/friends' problems, anything that happens in their life, including the really significant event of having a baby. Anyway, I do tend to be fonder of my friends' children and babies as I love my friends and love their children by extension (unless they are really obnoxious, but they never are).

mrspaddy · 12/07/2013 10:25

I think you have every right to be hurt over this.. it has nothing to do with babies being interesting or not (I love babies by the way).. it has to do with being there for you. Life is not always about entertaining other people.

I would be glad you have the genuine friend.. I would be cool enough with the other girls. They sound self absorbed.. then a lot of people are. My friend has seen very little of me since I got pregnant. It is an eye opener but I don't get upset over it anymore. Obviously just used me for going out on Saturday nights and that was that.

gotthemoononastick · 12/07/2013 10:28

yanbu Op. People are very selfish and self involved.

Treasure your one good friend.You will find only a few other like this one through your lifetime and you in turn will be such a friend to them.

When you are old you will be fortunate to have more than a handful of real friends.These count.

MrsOakenshield · 12/07/2013 10:34

well I wouldn't (pre-DD) have been all that interested in your baby, but I would have wanted to see you and catch up. And Brighton is not that far from London, for sure! But, you could certainly get the train yourself to London friend (don't know about connections to the others).

Maybe they think you won't be interested in meeting them, now you have a baby? Have a good, honest look back at yourself during your pregnancy - were you All About The Baby? Like I said, pre-DD i had no interest in other people's children, and even now I'm not all that fussed.

HellonHeels · 12/07/2013 10:39

I'm not that interested in babies or children but I am most certainly interested in the babies and children of my friends - because they are a huge part of my friends' lives and stuff that happens to my friends is important to me.

OP they might just be thoughtless and overly self involved. They might not be the friends you thought they were Sad or it might be that they were university friends that you won't take with you into the next stages of life.

I don't think you are BU to be disappointed by any of those things.

Summerblaze · 12/07/2013 10:54

I agree with mumsyblouse. I can't see why it makes any difference how much you like babies/children etc. The point is, op is a friend and she has had something pretty big going on in her life. Surely a trip down, especially if this is something they do on a regular basis, would be a nice thing to do for a friend to catch up and meet the new most important person in her life.

Surely thats what you do with friends, catch up on their current situations, with work, men, babies, weddings, new pair of shoes etc.

So if I don't like that my friends talks about her frequent trips to the spa because its not something I do, I should ditch her and not invite her out anymore.

Mia4 · 12/07/2013 10:56

YANBU to feel upset but to be honest OP it sounds like you are at such different points in your life and your friends have decided to let the friendship go, perhaps they even think that's what you want to?

Do you still all chat a lot on the phone? Travelling to see each other besides, I think if the phone chatting isn't there then the friendship's already on the rocks.

Or maybe they wanted just a girls weekend with no kids and though you wouldn't be able to get some time alone?

flipchart · 12/07/2013 10:59

I agree withTriffle.
In fact I have friends that I have had for years and years and they have never met my kids and they are 16 and 13!

I wouldn't travel to meet a baby tbh. I would send a card and pressie but that is it.

persimmon · 12/07/2013 11:02

First babies are really special and even if you're not actively 'interested' in babies, i would have thought the baby of a good friend deserves at least a quick visit! I'd be very hurt too. I have this problem to some extent: my 2 oldest friends don't have kids and one of them in particular seems to forget that my DS even exists. Being a mother is now part of who I am and i feel a little sad that I have to pretend otherwise.

Shylepite · 12/07/2013 11:08

Yanbu, I would be really upset if my friends had travelled to right near where I live and not included me or made any effort to meet my baby. I would have to ask them straight out why they didn't contact me.

Burmillababe · 12/07/2013 12:17

Perhaps if your friends arent keen on babies/children, when some of my friends started to have DC the mums and childfree ones struggled to maintain a relationship, simply due to different priorities

themilkmonster · 12/07/2013 14:55

YANBU to feel hurt about this. I think that you should let them know how much it's upset you though, maybe they just didn't realise you'd want to come along, and once they knew then maybe they'd make more effort to include you in future. It was a bit thoughtless of them not to ask you along though, even if they thought you wouldn't come it's still nice to be asked.
Fwiw one of my oldest friends went a bit funny with me while I was pregnant. She hardly got in touch with me and when she did she'd go on about all the nights out she'd had that I hadn't been invited on. I was pregnant, not ill! It hurt because I've always been there for her in the past but she was always too busy to see me. Now she's split with her DP and needs me again but I now only see her when it suits me.

pooquickly · 12/07/2013 15:54

this is a tricky one. I wasn't interested in my friends babies, or babies generally. I did still want to see my friends though. I have got a friend who i visited once who had a new baby. It was a four hours commute for me, on a weekend. I went to see her to see how she was, not the baby. But i got the impression that she expected me and another friend to be visiting her on a regular basis. Several years later, both of us have DC's and instead of visiting each other, we meet up half way for dinner and drinks without kids.

However, if your friends were in Lewes, would have been nice to pop in and see you or to suggest meeting or a coffee. Tactless, and can see why you'd be upset by that part. Esp playing at their weddings.

Sometimes OP, until someone (like me) has had kids we don't really understand what all the fuss about meeting the baby is, and i prob wouldn't have been worried about seeing you on a girly weekend away. They'll probably have greater understanding once/if they have kids.

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